


We're All Friends & Family Here (And Frankly, We're Sick Of Your Shit)

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (So Much Gossip), (So Much Meddling), Earth C (Homestuck), Gossip, Jealousy, M/M, Meddling, Mutual Pining, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-04-22 13:05:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 67,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14309283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: It's been about a year since the big Fast Forward, and sure, things on Earth C aren't perfect for everyone. But they're fine. Really. It's fine. Everything is super fuckin' swell, and that's that.It's not like one night is going to change anything.





	1. bzzt bzzt jakey

**Author's Note:**

  * For [treeprince](https://archiveofourown.org/users/treeprince/gifts).



> Thank you for the prompt (and sorry for the wait.)

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 16:14 --  
  
TG: somebodys running late 2day  
TG: and it aint me for once hallelujah   
TG: did u strangle urself putting that suit on is that it  
TG: do you need some help back there  
TG: bzzt bzzt jakey this is your phone notifying you of a very important series of messages  
TG: come onnnnnnnnn  
TG: balls  
TG: hmm  
TG: shit maybe you really did run off after all?   
TG: did u leave your phone tho?   
TG: nah you wouldnt leave the phone  
TG: might miss some hot texts from a CERTAIN SOMEONE  
TG: who is here right now not texting BUT he sure is trying to see what im texting like i dont notice exactly what hes up to over my shoulder back there  
TG: look dirk thats tacky af  
TG: yeah u better look embarrassed  
TG: f yeah sure showed him  
TG: jake english i s2g if you actually ran off im gonna hunt u down after this and pummel your handsome face  
GT: Jesus christmas roxy!   
TG: oh dang  
GT: That wont be necessary i assure you!  
TG: youre alive!  
GT: Alive and well thank you very much! And no of course i havent run off anywhere this is janes big day. What kind of cad do you think I am?  
TG: well  
GT: Wait!  
GT: Actually you know what dont answer that.   
TG: u sure  
GT: Very.   
TG: yeah good call walkin that back ;D  
GT: Eugh. Now listen here! Youd best believe i am absolutely tickled over this invite and one hundred percent primed to get out there and back jane just as well as you or dirk can!! So you just worry about yourself. Or maybe dirk! You never know dirk might run.   
TG: hmm o rly?   
TG: lets see  
GT: Wait no!  
TG: dirk saaaaays and i quote "go fuck urself english"   
TG: "furthermore the only yellow bellied turntail coward round these hills is ifjiasf  
GT: God damnit roxy you werent supposed to show and or possibly tell him that!  
GT: Whats the matter with you!   
TG: lmfao  
TG: hold please  
TG: i need to break a grabby hand  
TG: nm he let go  
GT: ...  
TG: ok ok ok 100% honest he only said the first part  
TG: the go fuck yourself part i mean  
GT: Fantastic! You know what I dont have time for this!  
GT: I need to finish gussying up for this grand opening and youre probably distracting me with embarrassing bullshit on purpose. Well thats it im through!  
TG: yowza  
TG: alright fine  
TG: finish prettying urself up u damn peacock  
TG: just hurry it up janes getting p nervous  
TG: ok?  
GT: Okay. Right. I won't be more than a minute or so.   
TG: ty <3  


* 

The stage was massive. 

Jake stood near the back of it, suited up with his hair slicked back and a nervous smile plastered on his face. Jane's presence still somehow filled the space completely, which was a real relief because it made it easier for him to pretend no one out in the dizzying crowd was looking at him. He rocked on his heels, hands clasped behind his back, and kept his eyes on the back of Jane's head. 

She was right in the middle of her grand speech, standing steel-backed at a polished black podium, done all up in a smart red button-up suit. She had a big old pair of wicked looking scissors clutched in one hand, and sometimes she'd get real excited, all riled up with her fierce rhetoric and lofty ambitions, and wave them around in the air. The sun glinted off the blades and Jake pretended that it was cheap lens flare in a really cheesy movie shot. That he was standing guard, keeping watch for assassins or thugs or all around dastardly saboteurs. 

It wasn't true, of course. He was standing there because Jane was about to cut the red ribbon on a brand spiffing new production facility, and she'd wanted him and the others to stand up here behind her in front of the whole crowd and all of it because -- her words --, she'd hardly done it all alone. The design schematics and initial prototyping had been integral to the eventual operation of the whole shebang. And he couldn't say no to Jane. Not at all, generally, but especially not when she was so excited and thinking she was being so gracious, letting him share a little piece of the spotlight.

The only thing that made it bearable was that he wasn't standing up there alone. Roxy stood beside him, resplendent in a dazzling pink and purple confection of a dress, grinning ear to ear. She elbowed him every so often, waggling her eyebrows at some turn of phrase Jane had just put out, and that was fine. It was something to focus on that wasn't all the cameras pointed at them, or worse, all the curious people that had turned out to see what new thing their creators were up to now. Mostly humans, here in Jane's corner of the world. A bit of everything, sure, but mostly human. Probably the species he did the worst with out of all the inhabitants of their new home. 

He snuck a glance sideways. Roxy didn't see him, but that was good. He wasn't looking at Roxy, because Dirk was there, too. Exhibit A, he thought a little ruefully. He might have chuckled a bit, quietly to himself. No one heard him. Jane had the microphone, after all, and the woman could _project._ She was speaking in grand tones about the Crocker Empire and manifest destiny and so on, and Dirk was staring right at the back of her head like it was the most interesting thing in the world, just the way Jake had been a few seconds before.

At least, Jake was pretty sure that was where he was staring. It was hard to tell with the shades, which he had insisted on wearing despite Jane's many protests on the matter. Dirk's arms were crossed, his back was straight, his posture stiff, and he probably felt all hells of awkward about being up here, too, but to anyone who didn't know him, he just came off... intimidating. 

If there _were_ any would-be ne'er-do-wells skulking about, they'd probably be rightfully more worried about the stoic, imposing guy in the pointed shades than the spacey goofus in the inch thick glasses. 

Jake bit his tongue to keep from sighing. He snatched his gaze back and focused it up to the other side of the stage. Back down again. Anywhere but straight ahead. Something about all the faces just got him right in the gut, even if they weren't staring right at him. A whole big frigging ocean of them. He was sweating, and the late summer heat was only partially to blame. 

"And so," Jane said, in magnanimous tones that suggested she was nearly done, "It is with enormous pleasure that I declare the latest and greatest addition to Crocker Corporate officially open for business!" She stepped around the podium and snipped the ribbon primly, and Jake watched the silken tatters of it flutter apart while at least a million cameras dazzled them with a round of blinding flashes. The crowd cheered. Roxy let out an excited _whoop_ and dashed forward to bear hug Jane from behind, and from the corner of his eye, Jake saw Dirk turn ever so slightly to watch them. The girls were laughing, cameras continued popping off in blinding bursts left and right, and Dirk raised one hand to scratch awkwardly at the back of his neck. 

So, of course, Jake did the only reasonable thing he could imagine: he turned and practically ran off the stage. The thick crimson curtain separating the press set from the factory proper _swished,_ heavy behind him. Probably no one noticed. He was far from the main attraction, after all, and he'd done his due. He'd stayed out there for the whole damn thing. 

Blessedly, it was cooler inside the factory. Jane had said it was open for business, but that wasn't strictly true. The real life gears and belts and whistles in the place wouldn't get going full speed for at least a little while yet, and for now it was just dark inside. Dark and quiet, familiar and a little bit peaceful. He chewed his lip. Internally, anxiety did the same to all his internal organs.

Jane had a whole celebration shindig planned at her estate. An after party for this very event. She and Roxy and Dirk were probably already gearing up to part the crowd and head out, but he honestly wasn't sure he could do it. Jane would spend the whole night introducing him to people, quipping at him about making connections and sharing some of his ideas with people that could help him go big, really go global with the whole robot production line thing and his grandma's tech, the SkaiaNet to her CrockerCorp, and ... and.

And that was her dream, not his. Wasn't it? 

He thought about the people cheering, the stage and the lights and the applause, and then he heaved a great big dramatic sigh there where no one could hear him grouse. 

Maybe not _all_ her dream. But Christ, it was a lot! She dealt with so damn much every single day, an endless march of people in and out of her office and her space and her life, and Jake didn't think he could ever be like her.

He wasn't sure what he wanted to be, really. They were near a year in now, everyone busy scoping out their roles in this new world, and it felt like everyone had made progress except him. Rose said they all had to cultivate their own _sphere_ , whatever that meant, and it seemed to come to the others naturally just by being themselves. Well, who the fuck was Jake English, really? Besides a great big faker that sometimes lucked into good ideas that Roxy and Dirk always had to refine for him anyhow? What kind of sphere was that? Not the kind for cultivating, sure as anything.

"Hey."

He froze, staring at a dim reflection of himself in the burnished metal shine of a ludicrously large oven. Dirk's voice, echoing in from the front. His lips parted to reply, but his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, so instead he just silently studied the oven, his brain ticking rote over the spec sheets he'd helped write. Measurements and formulas and max load and optimum temperature and all sorts of figures aligned themselves in his mind's eye, and it was funny how much easier it was to conjure all of that than a simple fucking _hello._

"You in here, somewhere?" 

It didn't look like much from the outside, but boy howdy, on the inside there were all sorts of belts and switches and precisely calibrated mechanisms to ensure everything that went in was perfectly measured and perfectly baked, every single time. 

"Jake? Come on, man, I know you went in here." 

He knew exactly how it worked, because he'd invented the damn thing. Well, the interesting parts of it, anyway. Roxy and Jane had spent months calibrating it, but he and Dirk had made it tick. Nearly burned all the hair off his body a thousand times doing it, but by god, they'd gotten it done. 

"Jake. Seriously?" 

He sounded good and annoyed, now. Jake snorted. Stood up straight. Squared his shoulders.

"Now listen here, Strider," he began, flinging the words out like a challenge. "If you already knew the answer, why'd you bother asking the question?" 

"Don't give me that shit." 

Dirk found him easy, even though their voices echoed strangely in the space, bouncing off the neat rows of new machinery and echoing up into the red-painted steel rafters. Jake made sure his arms were crossed and his face was neutral enough to make even a Strider proud by the time Dirk rounded a corner and found him between baking behemoths, like it was the most natural place in the world to be standing. "Jane is worried you're upset at her, by the way." 

He blinked. "Why the blue fucking blazes would I be upset at _Jane?_ " 

Dirk shrugged. "She said something about forgetting to namedrop you for the crowd, or something. She thought maybe we expected more credit for all of..." he gestured aimlessly around. "This." 

"Is she joking? Thank god she didn't, I'd have probably died right there on the stage." He sucked in a breath. Fuck. "I mean -- I don't mean that -- Not that I'm, you know, ungrateful! It's not like --" 

Dirk shook his head and cut him off with a nonchalant wave. "I get it," he said.

And the thing was, he probably did. 

Knowing that should have made him feel better, but instead his heart just squeezed wearily in his chest and he felt a thousand times worse. _Hey, Dirk,_ he thought, staring at the floor, not actually saying a word of it, _Not that building battlebots and delivery drones and weather machines and like a thousand ovens with a hundred flamethrowers inside them each hasn't been really great, and all, but..._

Dirk coughed, already turning away. Jake could mostly handle awkward silence. Dirk absolutely one hundred percent could not. Never could. "Anyway," Dirk said, probably just to fill it.

 _Anyway, I miss being allowed to tease you about blushing._ Jake shook his head. Couldn't say that. 

"I'll talk to her," he offered instead, wincing at the prospect even as the words left his mouth.

"Cool," Dirk said, back still turned to him. "So you're coming to the thing tonight, then." 

"Right, the thing." _Absolutely friggin' not, are you crazy?_ That was what he wanted to say, anyway. What a sane man would have said. But he opened his mouth and a question popped out, instead. "Are you?" 

This, Dirk answered first with an incredulous laugh. "You think Roxy would let me get away with not going?" It all echoed weirdly in the expansive room like everything else, and Jake nodded. Of course. Damnable obligation. "Or Dave, for that matter. He keeps saying I have to go because I'm his ticket in. Which is bullshit, because he already worked out a whole thing with Jane, he's bringing his music, he's got a side stage all set up. He's probably just make fun of me. Which is cool and all, don't get me wrong." 

And there, finally, Dirk cut himself off, wincing. "Never mind," he said, waving it off, like he could erase the last few things he'd said with a gesture.

Jake's eyebrows, which had been climbing steadily throughout, sat pretty about as high as they could go on his face. Dirk dropped his gaze, shook his head, abruptly turned and started walking. 

"Hey!" Jake jumped into action, following after him. "So you're going!" 

"Yeah." Dirk sped up, and Jake hurried after. 

"Then I'm going, too," he said, and it was out before he could really stop to think about how it'd sound, and Dirk stopped and Jake nearly bowled them both right over, skidding on the metal floor to a stop just in time. 

Dirk looked at him, wearing a faint frown. "You don't have to go just because I am, man. I can find some excuse for you." He shrugged. "Spare one of us the indignity, at least." 

"You're so friggin' full of it," Jake elbowed him, shaking his head. "I'm not saying you aren't awkward, because you damn well are, sometimes you're just as bad as me, even, but you're going because you want to be there and we both know it. You're not..." _Like me,_ he wanted to say, but that didn't sound the way he wanted. He frowned. It was Dirk's turn to turn upraised eyebrows at him. "You'll have a good time," he finished, but that wasn't quite right, either. He threw his hands up, exasperated. "Indignity! You say that, but you love it when Jane brags about you to all her fancy corporate-suited investors. And if Dave and Roxy and Jane will all be there --" 

"Okay, fine," Dirk interrupted, already walking again, and sounding more than a bit sour, "Still doesn't mean you have to go, man. I'll tell her I found you back here in a puddle of your own puke and you had to take a rain check." 

"Not a very heroic story," Jake muttered. Dirk snorted. 

"Right. My bad. I'll say you found a corporate spy back here reverse engineering one of the flame belts, instead." 

"Hah! And what, I got clobbered trying to pummel the cheeky bastard?" 

"You were pretty bad off, sure, had to miss the party and all. But hell, Jane, you should have seen the other guy." 

Jake laughed. Even Dirk was smiling a little. His heart did that stupid squeezing thing, again, and for a second he almost forgot he wasn't allowed to grab Dirk's hand whenever he pleased anymore and very nearly did exactly that. Shit. He crossed his arms, tucking his hands safely into his pits. Dirk tilted his head at him. "Well?" He said. 

"Not that I don't appreciate the offer, chum. I do. But you know I'd better go. This means a lot to Jane, and... you know." 

Dirk studied him for a long moment. Then he shrugged. "Fair enough," he said, so damnably casual. 

They were nearly to the loading dock. Massive, hangar-like doors stood all in a row, but only one was open, and only partially, at that. Nice of him to lead them out the back way. Sunlight cut across the metal floor, and Jake squinted as they stepped into it together, holding a hand over his eyes. It was a perfect day, not a cloud in the sky. Of course it was. Jane would have triple checked the weather, given her gala was to be held mostly out of doors, and all. 

"I suppose she and Roxy took a proper functioning vehicle." 

"Have to be relatable to the mortals," Dirk said. He was back to sounding faintly amused. "The whole corporate empire thing apparently works way better when they think of you as one of them." 

A startled little laugh escaped him. "Jane _is_ one of them, come on now! We're all still human, Dirk."

"I didn't say anything about human," Dirk said. "I said mortal. Mortal humans can't do this." He kicked off and lifted a few feet into the air and just hung there in a faint dusty updraft, hovering in the light. He was so -- 

No, none of that, now. 

"Good point," he said. Dirk was obviously expecting him to jump up and join him, but the thing was, he just couldn't. He absolutely couldn't do it. He couldn't just fly there together side by side and show up like a pair and watch everyone watch them, gossiping and taking pictures that would show up in the papers under embarrassing headlines for weeks after. "Guess I'd better be off, then. Wouldn't want to be late." 

Jake had just enough time to see Dirk cross his arms and take a breath to press the issue before he closed his eyes, willed gravity to go bother someone else, and shot off into the sky like a rocket. He heard Dirk's surprised little grunt as he sped by. Jake figured that Dirk would probably _think_ about following after, but wouldn't follow through, because it had kind of been a bit of a rejection and he knew Dirk well enough to know he was sensitive to that sort of thing. 

It felt miserable. 

He'd been living with Dirk on an island for near a year, now. They were co-rulers, they were kings, they were literal friggin' immortal gods.

They were best friends. 

They were ex-boyfriends -- his fault -- and Jake wanted him back so fucking bad he felt like every day he came a little closer to dying of it, immortal balderdash and all.


	2. He's such an endearing little manipulator.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 17:35 --  
  
TT: You’ll never guess who just made an incredibly noteworthy entrance, here at the much esteemed Crocker Estate.   
TT: What did he do?   
TT: He came streaking through the sky like a dapper, bespectacled, generally man-shaped shooting star, and crash landed at the start of the line directly on the red carpet.   
TT: Wow.   
TT: I saw it myself, being one of the privileged few given balcony clearance.   
TT: Balcony clearance? What, do you need a fuckin’ license to take a break at these things, now?   
TT: No need to worry. It’s only for the next half hour or so. The vantage point here is prime for gossiping about all the new arrivals, you see. And you know how Kanaya and Roxy love to gossip.  
TT: Kanaya and Roxy.   
TT: Yes.   
TT: Right.  
TT: It’s not like gossiping is basically what we’re doing right now, or anything.   
TT: Dirk, please.   
TT: This is hardly privileged information. He blew a kiss at the camera, for god’s sake. It’s going to be all over the television for the next two weeks, at least.   
TT: Just to be clear: We’re talking about Jake, right?   
TT: Who else?   
TT: There was a non-zero percent chance this was about Dave. And I just now realized if it was, I’d sound like a real fucking idiot when I just went on blithely assuming it was Jake.   
TT: Ha.   
TT: It is, indeed, about Jake. But I’ll let Dave know you’re thinking the very best of him.   
TT: Always am.  
TT: In any case. After witnessing this spectacle, I find that I only have one question burning a hole at the back of my brain.   
TT: Ok. Lay it on me.   
TT: Where the hell are you?   
TT: On my way.   
TT: I mean, you didn’t assume I’d be arriving with Jake, did you?  
TT: Why wouldn’t you be?   
TT: It would be perfectly expected for the two of you to show up together, being as you are a pair of unattached distinguished gentlemen who are perfectly comfortable and content with their close yet platonic relationship.   
TT: In fact, I have a much more difficult time thinking of reasons why you shouldn’t arrive together, arm in arm. Platonically, of course.   
TT: …   
TT: Did you have a fight?   
TT: No.   
TT: Then was it simply too strange to go through with? Calling attention to the elephant in the room? Too on the nose? I suppose it would have been annoying dealing with the tabloid articles come morning.   
TT: I can see the headlines now.   
TT: Please don’t list them.   
TT: Are you sure? They would be so full of excellent plays on “Hope” and “Heart.”   
TT: I’m sure.   
TT: I thought you appreciated clever wordsmithing.   
TT: That isn’t wordsmithing. It’s just tasteless.  
TT: Anyway, there wasn’t any particular reason. We didn’t talk about it. We both just did what we felt like doing, and that’s all there is to it. I know you’d love to read some deeper meaning into it, but that’s really about it.  
TT: Really.   
TT: Yep.   
TT: I see.   
TT: Well. I shouldn’t keep you any longer.   
TT: From what?   
TT: Your rescue mission.   
TT: What the fuck are you talking about?   
TT: You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed. Everyone has noticed.  
TT: Every time Jake throws himself full tilt in over his head into some Crocker-engineered social situation, you show up soon after to rescue him. Like clockwork.   
TT: I’m sure he finds it very convenient. He’s such an endearing little manipulator.   
TT: Even if that’s true, and I’m not conceding that point, I think you’re being a little harsh.   
TT: Then you wouldn’t want to hear what Roxy had to say about it. If I’m harsh, she’s outright brutal.   
TT: What did she say?   
TT: Actually, I think I’ve had my fill of divulging privileged information, for the time being.   
TT: Gossiping, you mean.  
TT: I like mine better.   
TT: Listen, whatever Roxy has been telling you, it’s almost definitely bullshit.   
TT: Interesting assumption.  
TT: I know she’s filling your ear with nonsense. It’s what she does.   
TT: I’ll be sure to let her know you’re thinking the very best of her, too.   
TT: Threatening me with my own personality is a losing strategy, Rose. I already know all about what a fuckin’ asshole I am.   
TT: Oh, please.  
TT: And to think I once assumed my flair for the dramatic was a purely maternal sort of inheritance.   
TT: Actually, I think I’m going to tap out before you start with the genetic inheritance bullshit again, for once.   
TT: I can hardly stop you, can I?  


*

He landed in an open-air tiled hallway along the estate perimeter, grimacing at his phone. Rose was a handful even at the best of times, and truth be told, he was _not_ having the best time. 

Unlike Jake, he elected for a subdued arrival, slipping into into the garden through one of many noble stone archways lining the property. He shook his head -- far from the first time -- at Jane’s sheer self indulgence. She’d completely eschewed the outright gaudy aesthetic of her predecessor, true, but the general extravagance? _That_ she’d kept in spades. There were six full size, independently programmable, LED-lit fountains on the estate, for god’s sake. Roxy had already coded two of them to dance to custom music like this was the fuckin’ Bellagio reborn from the ruins of old Las Vegas. It was ridiculous. It was incredible. It was a fucking _lot._

He patiently reminded himself that he and Jake sort of owned an entire fucking tropical island, and also, Jane deserved whatever the absolute fuck Jane wanted, and stalked his way through the hedges and into the more crowded confines of the inner garden. 

Here, throngs of well-dressed partygoers stood in groups of varying sizes on cobbled paths through immaculately tended greenery. Even thicker crowds gathered around burnished glass tables, their metallic bases all painted blazing crimson. Uniformed waiters and waitresses of all kinds navigated expertly between groups, offering appetizers and whisking away discarded dishes. He could hear a steady bassline in the distance, and he turned toward the source, considering. Dave would be over there, making the music happen. Hanging out with Dave was probably safe. 

He’d be busy, though. Right? Didn’t want to bother or distract him or whatever. 

Rose and Roxy and presumably Kanaya would be on one of the balconies somewhere, and yeah, no thanks. That was walking into a shark tank covered in chum. He fidgeted nervously in place. Some of the attendees were starting to notice him, now. There were a few pointed fingers, darting looks in his direction. Best to keep moving. 

The gardens that surrounded the estate were cut into several distinct sections, separated by walls of greenery or in some cases, literal arched stone walls. Dirk wandered through the nearest, sticking to the perimeters, and slipped through a side entrance into the central building. Servers rushed by, too busy to stop and chat, though a few did double take at him, eyes bugging out so far he was afraid in a few cases they might actually pop out. Grim. He kept moving, restless, Rose’s words circling in his brain. 

Thing was, he _had_ kinda been planning on just… going right in to find Jake. It was sort of what he did. Jake always overestimated his capacity when it came to charming crowds with Jane, throwing himself all in like he did with absolutely goddamn _everything_. It wouldn’t be long before it stopped being fun for him, and then he’d have no graceful escape to lean on, so he’d just endure it miserably until he melted down. No one wanted that. 

And it was easy to be the guy who did the dirty work. Everyone expected Dirk to be an idiot, socially. Just wade on into the middle of the fuckin’ gala, pushing all the nice suits out of the way. He didn’t even try to fake courtesy smile, a thing Jane was constantly on his ass about at these things. It was better if he didn’t. He’d tried practicing courtesy smiles, once, and Dave and Rose had both agreed they were both sinister and far more unsettling than his resting douche face. 

_Was_ he planning on that? Setting up the situation for Dirk to come rescue him, as Rose so helpfully put it? Did he care? Should he fucking care? 

He rounded a corner, and a distinctive laugh cut through the general babble of incessant people sounds. He stopped mid-step, narrowing his eyes toward the source. A second recognizable titter joined in, and yeah, there was no mistaking it. That was Jake’s boisterous action hero guffaw and Jane’s sensible businesswoman chuckle, and they were both so god damn fake it made him grit his teeth on principle. 

Why did the idea _bother_ him so much? It was sitting like an itch at the back of his brain. Most of the people he knew were manipulative, in some way or another. Including himself. Shit, Rose had been manipulating him just by letting that slip, and maybe he was playing right into whatever plan she and Roxy probably had to try and get them to admit -- 

He made a frustrated sound. 

The thing was, Jake could be good at this, when he put his mind to it. He wore the persona like a suit -- the dashing, eccentric inventor, temporarily out of his self-imposed isolation to socialize with the mortal plebeians. He never gave himself enough credit. 

He rounded another corner and passed through another archway, and there they were, standing together in resplendent glory. They were surrounded by a plethora of equally well dressed investor looking types, and Jake had his arm hooked playfully with Jane’s, smiling so brilliantly it was practically blinding. Dirk leaned against the cool stone of the pillar at his back, considering them and quashing down a babble of nasty, jealous thoughts that even he knew he had no business entertaining for a second. It was an act. And even if it hadn’t been -- what grounds did he have to protest on, exactly?

They weren’t _together._ Jake could do whatever he wanted. He swallowed hard, watching them. Jane was probably right to push him -- maybe not as hard as she did, but fuck, he _was_ good at this. He was smart. He had ideas. He could build an empire of his own, if he put his mind to it. And they’d had enough faltering _purely platonic_ heart to hearts on their awkward island paradise for Dirk to know he didn’t completely _not_ want it. Jake dreamed about being a hero of the people. 

Just, you know. A mysterious and elusive one, most of the time. 

Jane raised a glass and began speaking about good fortune and better opportunities ahead, and Jake gave her a wink and plucked a glass up and _clinked_ it delicately to hers, and Dirk didn’t quite catch whatever he said, but the gathered suits and skirts all laughed delightedly, some nudging each other and leaning in to whisper among themselves. Jake’s sparkling eyes all crinkled at the corners paired with his magnetic smile, and Dirk had already taken a few steps forward before he caught himself. 

Frustration flooded in. He didn’t belong up there. He didn’t belong _here_ , elbowing his way through scandalized sycophants because, why? He told himself Jake wanted him to do it to cover how much he actually just wanted him to pay attention to _him_ instead of performing fake bullshit for fake people for -- 

He was a fucking idiot, really. Fuck Rose, and fuck Roxy, too. Who needed rescuing from who, here? Anyone with eyes could see the entire room was enraptured by the sheer magnetic allure of the Crocker-English alliance, and why the hell not? Jane was a sharp-cut cat’s eyed crimson goddess, and Jake was her handsome, damnably elusive, oh so mysterious partner -- in the business sense, sure, but the gossip rags would theorize. They’d love it. 

He had to get out of here before anyone spotted him hovering in the doorway like a fucking asshole. 

Except, just as he was sucking in a breath and mid-turn to do just that, Jake spotted him. Their eyes locked across the distance and Jake’s brows went up, his lips parted, his whole fucking stupid god damned handsome face lit up, and. And. 

And before Jake could wave or shout or do anything to alert Jane to his presence, Dirk spun on his heel and walked fast and stiff-backed the other way, face burning. He wasn’t a hero, and Jake sure as shit wasn’t some wilting damsel in distress. 

If he really wanted to be rescued, he was perfectly capable of playing that goddamn cliche fucking role himself. He hurried out of the estate and back outside before he could change his mind. The more distance he put between them, the better. 

The garden was packed full of partygoing socialites, all cordoned off into dozens of self-made groups gathered around a festive array of crocker-crimson chairs and tables. He tried not to think too hard about Jake with his arm locked firmly in Jane’s, trapped in place and maybe wondering why Dirk had just -- God damn it. No. He let the first group that noticed him pull his wandering, distracted ass into their fold, and barely parsed any of the excited chatter they then assailed him with. They had so many questions -- When had he arrived? Had he seen Jane, yet? Was he here _alone?_ \-- and he did his best to answer as monosyllabically as possible, keeping his face as neutral as he could. 

No one seemed to hold this against him. He had a reputation, after all. If anything they seemed delighted by it, whispering and commenting like he couldn’t hear their gossip. Yeah, he’s totally an asshole, just like all the stories. Cool. 

He passed from one group and into another, deciding eventually that he was doing Jane a favor, mingling with people like this. She always groused at him for letting his anxiety make him seem so antisocial at her parties. Well, let her get a load of this. Someone passed him a drink, and he took it, because hey, why not. It never did anything to him, anyway. A few women made poorly disguised passes at him, which was both funny and strange -- he always caught himself comparing them to Roxy. Their techniques, at least, ranking them in order of subtlety. He tried to be polite. 

The guys were worse to deal with, honestly. A nice looking blonde with an infectious smile, complimenting his appearance in a way that was probably meant to imply something. A wiry guy with an olive complexion and slicked back hair, putting his hand on his shoulder and leaning in a little too close to pass him a second -- third? -- flute of expensive champagne. The bubbles tickled his nose. There was a troll with skin near as black as the Condesce’s had been, and he was a head taller than him and sporting a fanged smirk that somehow managed to be appealing -- in a weird way, but it was still kind of gut fluttering? 

Which made him uncomfortable, because even just thinking someone else was vaguely appealing felt like he was betraying Jake. 

Which was fucking _ridiculous_ , because they _weren’t together._

Dirk shrugged them all off and found excuses to retreat, telling himself he wasn’t being rude -- this was socializing, right? Couldn’t let one table monopolize all his time. Or one dude, no matter how nice his smile was. (Never as nice as a certain someone’s.) 

Besides, none of them made him feel like -- the person he absolutely was _not_ thinking about. 

He set an empty glass on a tray and took a breath. He’d gone around the entire garden on this side, and he didn’t feel any better -- worse, actually. He figured he’d done his duty. Time to find someone he knew. Maybe go bother Dave, after all. Or better yet, find a quiet place where he could maybe think a little about all the stupid shit sliding around in his head. Fucking _Rose_. This was at least partially her fault.

He kept thinking about Jake’s face, lighting up when he saw him. Jane’s arm tightening in his almost imperceptibly. How goddamn _fake_ everything was. How he’d definitely overreacted to his own uncharitable thoughts and here hadn’t been any goddamn reason at all to make Jake think he was mad at him -- even though he sort of was -- even though none of the reasons why were _exactly_ his fault -- 

He ground his teeth, turned without a word and was three steps in to stalking antisocially back indoors to probably brood like an asshole when a wayward party goer stepped directly in his path. Dirk slammed into him, and they went down in a tangle of limbs together. There were gasps and shouts and a general assortment of concerned noises, but Dirk barely heard any of that. Instead -- 

“Good _grief!_ I am really so sorry,” the guy he’d pretty much run over was saying, already scrambling to his feet. He unfurled himself upward -- he was fucking tall -- and Dirk sat up and _looked_ up into the concerned, cobalt-blue eyes of an alarmingly attractive troll. His black lips were pulled into a little frown, and he was holding out a hand -- a hand, Dirk realized, stupidly, far later than he should have, that was meant to help him get up. “Forbes is always telling me I need to watch where I’m going, I am just the clumsiest…” he trailed off, suddenly. Dirk stared up at him. Was he supposed to say something? He should really take his hand, you know, maybe get up off the fucking floor. “Now, hold on just a minute. I know you!” The troll blinked at him, his eyes going wide. “You’re -- _Dirk,_ ” he said, almost reverently, and Dirk almost, _almost_ let himself lose his shit. Just lean back and laugh in the loamy garden grass until someone went and got Roxy or Jane or Dave or whoever and told them he’d lost his damn mind.

The troll still hadn’t lowered his hand, although now it was wavering, a bit. 

All right, cool. 

He took it, and the troll’s face lit up as he lifted him to his feet. “Shit,” he said. “I mean, no, forget I said that, let’s pretend it was -- shucks!” He winced. “No, that’s worse.” 

“Shit is fine,” Dirk assured him. 

“Oh, good.” The troll took a deep breath. “Let me start over.” 

“Go right ahead,” Dirk agreed. He still hadn’t let go of his hand. Interesting. 

“Shit,” he said again, tilting his head. “Here I am going on about how I know you, and I haven’t even told you my name. Well, everyone knows _you_ , so maybe that’s fair?” He shook his head, like he was clearing it out. “Ellius! That’s -- that’s it. That’s the name. Well, no, not the full -- but I doubt you --” He blinked, staring at their hands, and immediately loosened his grip and dropped his hand, wiping it furtively on his pants. This reminded Dirk so much of Jake that he almost lost his shit _again_ , he had to hold his breath to keep from laughing. “God, so _sorry_ ,” Ellius said, and then _he_ laughed. He had a good laugh, smooth and friendly. 

“Cool,” Dirk said. “Nice to meet you. Sorry I knocked you over. For what it’s worth, I usually ask permission, first.” Holy shit. He bit his own tongue like he could punish it. What the fuck was that? 

But Ellius just laughed again, like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. “My fault,” he said, and then his face took on a somber expression. “If you’re keen on making it up to me, though, I won’t complain.” 

“Hey, autographs are free,” Dirk said, and his hand was up and rubbing the back of his neck before he could stop it. God damn it. What was he doing? This was idiotic. 

“Hah! Yes, Forbes would love if -- ah, but no. No, I was thinking more, if you’re available, or otherwise unoccupied or, hm, at all interested -- there’s a champagne fountain outside the hedge maze and there’s this interesting rumour going about that it’s good luck to toast with a partner.” He cast an artful little glance around, and grinned. “Have you been?” 

“No,” he said, thoughts already jumping back to Jake. Champagne didn’t do shit to Dirk, as far as he could tell, but Jake would start up one glass in, always claiming the bubbles went straight to his brain. And it was such bullshit, because he was just _acting_ , pretending like a single drink gave him an excuse to stand real close and get all touchy and grabby and _confusing_ , and… 

“Do you maybe want to…?” Ellius’s eyebrows went up in silent entreaty. 

They weren’t _together._

“Sure,” Dirk said, shoving his thoughts back down under the constant bubbling morass he was apparently stuck with for a psyche. “Fuck, why not? Far be it from me to turn down even a little bit of good luck. Askin’ for trouble and all.” 

“Shit, really? I mean -- ah, good! Excellent!” They just stood there for a second, awkwardly. It was in this lull that Dirk realized the crowd in the courtyard had gone weirdly quiet. Their eyes felt itchy on his skin, and he thought, slightly hysterically, _Jake isn’t the only one who can give the tabloids their stupid fucking fodder._

Even so, he was suddenly in kind of a huge hurry to get out of there. He held out a hand, gesturing at the nearest archway exit.

“Lead the way,” he said.


	3. what makes yoU think this all has to end in tears?

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 18:16 --   
  
GA: Do You Have A Minute  
CG: IS IT AN EMERGENCY?  
GA: Well  
GA: That Depends   
GA: It Isnt Anything Particularly Life Or World Or Universe Threatening But Socially Speaking I Think This Would Qualify  
CG: OH! A SOCIAL EMERGENCY, MY FAVORITE.  
GA: Maybe Im Overthinking It  
CG: KANAYA, PLEASE. NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THIS UNIVERSE, OR MAYBE MORE RELEVANTLY IN THE SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER HISTORY OF ANY OTHER UNIVERSE, HAVE YOU EVER OVERTHOUGHT A SOCIAL SITUATION INTO EMERGENCY STATUS AND THEN PROCEEDED TO OVERREACT, THEREBY CONSIDERABLY WORSENING THE OVERALL ACTUAL REALITY OF WHATEVER WAS GOING ON.  
CG: AM I RIGHT?  
GA: Very Funny Karkat  
GA: My Sides Are Splitting  
GA: Whoops There Goes My Vestigial Fermentation Pouch Right Through The Ever Widening Gaps In My Increasingly Structurally Inviable External Anatomy  
CG: GOOD THING IT'S VESTIGIAL.  
GA: Yeah  
GA: Anyway  
GA: Your Willingness To Indulge In Banter Suggests You Do In Fact Have A Minute So Im Just Going To Continue My Original Thought  
CG: DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT JUDGING YOU. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.  
GA: Thanks  
GA: The Situation Is That There Are Rumors Cropping Up About Dirk That Normally I Would Disregard Out Of Hand  
GA: But These Are Somewhat Alarming In Their Consistency  
GA: So Much So That Rose Wanted To Investigate  
GA: Which Of Course I Also Wanted To Do Ill Just Admit That Before You Say Anything  
CG: DAMN, BEATEN TO THE PUNCH.  
GA: And Upon Investigating We Have Confirmed The Main Thrust Of The Rumor With Our Own Ganderbulbs  
GA: And Now Rose Is Typing Furiously Into Her Phone And Blocking My View Purposely When I Attempt To Read Over Her Shoulder  
GA: Which Leaves Me Very Little To Do With This Knowledge Except Gossip I Guess  
GA: And Since This Particular Gossip Has To Do With Romance And Things Of That Nature I Immediately Thought Of You  
GA: Youre Welcome  
CG: YOU CAN'T SMUGLY IMPLY I SHOULD THANK YOU BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, COME ON.   
CG: UNLESS HE AND JAKE ARE LITERALLY MAKING OUT IN THE ROSE GARDEN TO A SERENADE OF DAZZLED HIGHBLOODS WHILE A DOZEN REPUTABLE PUBLICATIONS TAKE PLENTY OF PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE THAT EVEN THEY CAN'T DENY FIRST THING TOMORROW I'M NOT SO SURE WHATEVER YOU'RE SEEING IS GOING TO BLOW MY MIND, HERE.   
CG: I MEAN, THEY DO SHIT LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME. FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER CONSTANTLY. BEHAVE EXACTLY LIKE THE ROMANTIC COUPLE WE ALL KNOW THEY PRACTICALLY ARE RIGHT UP UNTIL THE SECOND THEY REALIZE THEY'RE DOING IT, AT WHICH POINT THEY AWKWARDLY, FUCKING *PAINFULLY* PRETEND OTHERWISE. AND THEN THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO FREAK OUT LIKE GANGLY BULGETHRASHING ADOLESCENTS ON THE FRAGILE CUSP OF PUBERTY WHEN ANYONE CALLS THEM OUT ON IT!   
CG: SO UNLESS YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING OUTSIDE THAT GENERAL ROLLER DISK HIVE...  
GA: Dirk Is On A Date With A Blue Blood  
CG: WHAT?!  
GA: They Filled A Pair Of Fancy Beverage Vessels Together At The Human Soporific Fountain And Imbibed Simultaneously After Tapping The Vessels Together And Laughing Nervously  
CG: OK... OK. THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD, AND I AGREE SOUNDS KIND OF SUSPICIOUS  
CG: BUT, NO. NO, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY DIRK IS ACTUALLY ON A DATE WITH SOME RANDOM TROLL NONE OF US KNOWS!  
CG: WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? WHEN DID THEY MEET? *HOW* DID THEY MEET?  
GA: Rumors Suggest They Ran Into Each Other In The Courtyard  
GA: Literally  
GA: Knocked Each Other Off Their Strut Pods  
GA: Again Literally  
CG: WOW. WELL, OK. AGAIN THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD, BUT TELL ME THIS. WHAT ARE THEY DOING RIGHT NOW?  
GA: Standing Next To Each Other  
CG: ...  
CG: GO ON?  
GA: Uh  
GA: Under Trees  
CG: COME ON, KANAYA, WORK WITH ME HERE! WHAT ELSE? ARE THEY TALKING? LAUGHING? WHAT DOES THEIR BODY LANGUAGE SAY?  
GA: The Blue Blood Appears To Be Talking But Im Much Too Far Away To Eavesdrop  
CG: CAN YOU GET CLOSER???   
GA: One Moment  
CG: OK...  
CG: ...   
CG: ...   
CG: KANAYA!   
CG: DAMN IT, IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL MOMENTS.   
CG: ...  
CG: I HAVE GENEROUSLY GIVEN YOU PLENTY OF MOMENTS!  
CG: AN ABSOLUTE PARADE OF MOMENTS HAS SWAGGERED OBSCENELY BY IN THE VAST GULF OF YOUR COY SILENCE!!!  
GA: Sorry   
CG: WELL???   
GA: I Tried To Get Closer But Rose Guessed My Intent And Pulled Me Back  
CG: GOD DAMN IT, LALONDE!  
GA: No Its Fine  
GA: Roxy Is On The Move  
GA: That Is Who Rose Was Typing To By The Way In Case That Wasnt Obvious  
GA: Im Kind Of Relieved Honestly Ive Never Been Good At Eavesdropping Im Just Too Noticeable  
CG: WELL, YOU ARE A TERRIFYING IRIDESCENT FANGED FOLKLORIC CREATURE WHO COULD EASILY HARVEST JUST ABOUT ANYONE HERE FOR A LIGHT SNACK.  
GA: True  
GA: Its Such A Pain Being This Awesome Sometimes  
CG: YEAH, I BET.  
CG: LISTEN, DOES JAKE KNOW ABOUT THIS?  
GA: I Have To Think He Does Or At Least Imminently Will  
GA: Last I Heard He Was Inside With Jane Which Is Also Where Roxy Was And She Definitely Knows  
CG: HMM. OK.   
CG: THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW.   
GA: Aha So I Earned Your Thanks After All!  
GA: So I Must Have Blown Your Mind Right  
CG: SIGH  
CG: YES, I'LL ADMIT IT. *IF* THIS IS TRUE, AND MIND YOU, I'M STILL NOT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CONVINCED THERE HASN'T BEEN SOME HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING THAT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE INTO A MILLION EXTREMELY IRRITATING PIECES, YOU HAVE THOROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY BLOWN MY GODDAMN MIND.   
GA: Excellent  
CG: TELL ME WHATEVER YOU HEAR FROM THE LALONDES, WILL YOU? I'M NOT REALLY IN A GOOD POSITION TO GO INVESTIGATE ON MY OWN.   
GA: Rose Says Absolutely Do Not Investigate On Your Own  
CG: TELL HER I SAID FUCK YOU!  
GA: She Said Something Im Not Strictly Comfortable Repeating In Response  
GA: It Was Very Funny Though And I Want You To Know That  
CG: WHATEVER  
CG: YOU CAN'T SEE THE GESTURE I'M MAKING RIGHT NOW, BUT IT'S PRETTY GODDAMN FUNNY, TOO.   
CG: YOU WILL KEEP ME INFORMED, RIGHT?  
GA: Yes Assuming They Tell Me Anything  
CG: GREAT. THANKS.  


*

"Hey." 

A pair of arms slid around him from behind, and Karkat made a garbled, startled sound, juggled the phone clumsily in his hands, and just barely managed to avoid dropping it. He snatched it close to his chest while behind him, Dave laughed into his hair. Karkat let an irritated hiss escape between his teeth, but then immediately ruined whatever effect it might have had by leaning back and into the embarrassing embrace. Whatever. No one was back here, that was kind of the point. 

"God damn it," Karkat said, moving one heel back to step admonishingly on Dave's toes. "You scared the living shit out of me! Don't do that." 

"If you don't want me to do things, you should stop reacting so hilariously to them, just a thought," Dave said, and Karkat pressed his heel down harder. Dave kicked him with his other foot. "Come on, then, what's the haps? I know there's haps, man, you were making some major shit is going down faces at your phone there, don't deny it." 

"I am not confirming or denying anything, right now, because I don't know the full story!" 

"So there is a story! I love stories, tell me the story." 

"You only like shitty stories, and -- well." Karkat lifted his heel and made a thoughtful sound. "Actually, this might qualify." 

"Nice, this just gets better and better." Dave's voice dropped into a low whisper, right against his ear. "Speak shitty to me, Karkat," he crooned, and Karkat snorted to cut off the compromising bubble of startled laughter that threatened to escape him and shook him off, sputtering. 

"Fuck off, asshole," he said, sliding his phone defiantly into his pocket. Dave raised his eyebrows. Karkat jutted his chin up. "Don't you need to get back outside? Or are you tired of foisting your shitty so-called music off on everyone's tortured aural chambers already?" 

"No way," Dave said, immediately, and the way he smiled -- big and bright and so goddamn genuine -- legitimately gave his poor pump biscuit fondness palpitations. "Man, it was _so cool_ of Jane to let me do this, there are so many people out there, dude, like -- well, shit, you saw them!" 

"I can't believe they all didn't just run away screaming ten seconds into the set," Karkat said, keeping his voice as even as possible. Dave folded his hands behind his head and leaned back on his heels, heaving a great big theatrical sigh. 

"Anyway, the preprogrammed set I left them with will go for a good ten minutes, and I've probably got at least five of those left, so..." 

"So?" 

Dave dropped his hands and tilted his head to look at him over the rims of his shades. His smile this time was smaller, shyer, and at least a thousand times more deadly. "So, how about a kiss for luck, or something?" 

"Absolutely not," Karkat said, and when Dave's face fell he held up a finger, furrowing his brows. "Not because I don't want to, because I absolutely do and it's killing me to turn you down, but because we _both_ know if we go down that path we're going to be back here a lot longer than five fucking minutes, and I know you don't want to disappoint your audience!" Karkat ducked past him, rushing for the exit, and after a moment he heard Dave sigh loudly and turn to follow. "Also," Karkat said, begrudgingly, "We both know that with skills like yours, you don't need luck." 

Dave laughed, and Karkat barely had time to half-turn before he caught up, slung an arm over his shoulders, and darted forward to leave a sloppy kiss all over the side of his face. "You know it, man," Dave said, dancing backward while Karkat screeched a wordless protest, lunging after him and predictably missing. Dave ducked back out into the daylight, and Karkat hung back in the doorway, rubbing furiously at his cheek with his sleeve. Truthfully, it was too fucking bright out for him -- it still felt weird, conducting proper nighttime business while the sun was burning maliciously overhead. 

He squinted and held a hand over his eyes, peering out into the courtyard. At least it looked like some clouds might be rolling in. That would make this whole thing at least marginally easier to bear until sundown, probably. The space Jane had set aside for them was full of musical equipment and a whole lot of humans and trolls, all of whom cheered as Dave presumably waltzed back out into view. 

God. Him and his ego were going to be a nightmare to deal with for weeks, after this. He _knew_ this, but for some reason, he still couldn't stop fucking smiling. 

*

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 18:27 --   
  
GG: Jake?   
GG: Are you all right?   
GG: You're not feeling ill, are you?   
GG: People are talking... Can you please answer?   
GG: I'm hearing some strange things.   
GT: Strange things?   
GG: Yes...  
GT: Well no dont you worry jane im just fine. Pay the gossipmongers no mind.   
GG: Oh good. So, you'll be back soon?   
GT: Well...   
GG: Jake?   
GT: About that.  
GG: ...Yes??   
GT: I er might... be awhile. But dont worry!!!!   
GG: How could I possibly not? First Roxy goes dashing out of here like her tushy is on fire, and then I turn around and you're missing, too! I know suspicious behavior when I see it, thank you very much.   
GT: Okay.   
GT: Heres the truth and before you yell at me dont say i didnt warn you.   
GG: Stop stalling. Out with it!  
GT: The truth is the second roxy took off i felt an awful gurgle in my belly and i knew jane i just KNEW right away that i had to find the nearest water closet with absolutely no goddamn delay whatsoever or there would be big big BIG problems!   
GG: Oh my gosh.   
GT: And im awful sorry i didnt say anything but i figured no one had to or eh heh wanted to hear that and besides i didnt think there was much time to waste!  
GG: No, I -- Eugh, I don't need to hear another word!   
GG: Although... wait! Oh no. Was it something you ate?   
GG: Is there something wrong with the spread?  
GG: Oh, this could be bad, Jake! This could be very, very bad.   
GG: Quick, you have to tell me, what did you eat, again? I seem to recall you ate quite a lot, so it could be any number of things!   
GG: Could you start a list? This could be a disaster!  
GG: Jake? This no time for dawdling!  
GT: All right.   
GT: I didnt want to have to do this but as you can plainly see youre leaving me no choice.   
GG: What?   
GT: Real sorry about this jane i swear i just need a minute.   
GG: What are you talking about?! I need that list!   
  
\-- golgothasTerror [GT] blocked gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 18:32 --   
  
GG: You must be joking!  
GG: Jake!  
GG: JAKE! Oh you are in such trouble when I find you, BUSTER!!!   


*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 18:34 --   
  
TT: I hate to be a bother,  
TT: But if we don't have an update soon, my wife may actually, literally explode.   
TG: lmao  
TG: tell her i feel that but also shes gotta hold her fuckin hoofbeasts holy shit!  
TG: theres like a FUCK TON of people here rn and if i get too close dirk is def gonna see my ass  
TG: hes got like a sixth sense for that shit  
TG: my bullshit i mean not my literal ass hes pretty much immune to that as weve thoroughly established  
TG: anyway what was i sayin  
TT: That you are perilously close to being found out, I think?  
TT: Though I don't see how. When it comes to these things, you should have him thoroughly outmatched.  
TT: Also, he seems rather distracted for the moment.  
TG: i know but im tellin u  
TG: slick roxy sensors  
TG: its bullshit tbh i hate it  
TT: Yes. And I'm sure the hundreds of lovely, reflective sequins on your dress are blameless.   
TG: dont shade my rad dress  
TT: I did say they were lovely.  
TG: uh huh  
TT: Do you really think it'll be a problem?   
TG: nah  
TG: ok check it  
TG: i think i can uhh fuck one sec  
TT: What's the matter?  


Roxy swore softly under her breath, squinting at her phone. She had her brightness was all the way the hell down, the better to sneak around with, but it was a bitch and a half to read.

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 18:37 --   
  
GG: Roxy!  
GG: Now you listen here, little lady.  
TG: uh oh  
TG: janes using her dad voice  
GG: I need you to be honest with me, here. Please. Tell me the truth: Is there something going on? Is there some sort of trouble?   
GG: You rushed out of here so fast, and Jake... ugh. I hate to say it, but I think I may need your help!  
TG: no no no theres no trouble janey babe  
TG: no worries u got me? everythings fine  
TG: u just keep on wooing that crowd like the sexy heiress queen u are ;)   
GG: I knew it.   
GG: Bald-faced excessive winky-face flirtation can mean only one thing.   
GG: Whatever is happening, it is VERY serious, and you should absolutely not be hiding it from me!  
TG: janey noooo :(   
TG: why u gotta do me like this :(   
TG: listen just take jake on another circuit and ill be back before you make it around the room i promise  
GG: Yes, about that!  
GG: I would, but Jake ran off not five minutes after you did!   
TG: he whut  
GG: Yes! And he claims he's having a... a, well, a bathroom issue!   
TG: uh oh  
GG: And if he's sick I just have to assume it's something in the spread, and if I'm about to have an estate full of gurgling, gassy party goers I don't know what I'm going to do!   
GG: The estate only has sixteen bathrooms!  
TG: omg  
GG: Do you know how many people there are here, right now, Roxy?   
TG: ummm   
TG: lots?  
GG: A whole lot more than sixteen!!!  
GG: What am I going to do?   
TG: jane pls  
GG: And also, for the record, he blocked me!  
GG: I almost wish this HAD had to do with those strange things I'm hearing about Dirk! That would be much easier to deal with than this terrifying, utterly looming possibility!  
TG: uh oh  
GG: Uh oh! Yes! You keep saying that!  
TG: what uh  
TG: what did u hear about dirk exactly  
GG: Nothing! This is no time for gossip! Have you heard a word I've been saying?!  
TG: one sec  
GG: ......  


She swore again, louder, snapping her head up and scanning the crowd. No sign of wonder boy, which was a good thing, because if he saw Dirk standing dead to rights with some strange handsome troll dude, she was one hundred percent god damn certain he was going to cause a scene. A major, major kinda scene. 

Couldn't have that, now, could they? That'd ruin Jane's party for sure. Not to mention give the whole fucking game away with Dirk, here, and the thought of having to swallow her foiled curiosity was almost worse.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgathasTerror [GT] at 18:42 --   
  
TG: jake.........??? u there  
GT: Oh fuck.   
TG: !!!   
GT: Absolutely not.   
TG: ???   
TG: hey listen dont freak out or whatever youre about to do over there this is real easy!  
TG: i just need to know where u are  
TG: no big  
TG: just a lil casual inquiry between friends ;D  
  
\-- golgothasTerror [GT] blocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 18:43 --   
  
TG: oh what the fuck!!!!!!!  
TG: thats BULLSHIT jake you hear me????   
TG: well no  
TG: i suppose u dont :(  
TG: fuck  
TG: fuck fuck fuck FUCK  


She switched windows, muttering "fuck" under her breath in a steady, rhythmic line of uninterrupted vulgarity.

TG: rose!!!  
TT: Roxy?   
TG: motherfuckin big ass problem alert  
TT: What's the matter?   
TG: jakes flown the coop  
TG: fuck he could be ANYWHERE  
TG: u gotta make sure he doesnt come here or theres gonna be problems   
TT: I do?   
TT: But I don't --   
TT: I mean, of course.   
TT: We'll find him right away.   
TG: good excellent great go  
TT: Right.   
TG: also he blocked my ass so he might already know somethings up proceed w caution  
TT: Understood.  


A shadow fell over her, and she nearly leapt right into the air and blew the whole thing. Instead, she bit her tongue and whirled around, and faced... absolutely no one. There was not a goddamn person nearby, which made sense, because she was sneaking around behind the shrubbery like a common criminal trying to get close enough to Dirk and his new grey-skinned horny -- _horned_ \-- buddy in order to rudely eavesdrop on their conversation. 

She peered up. It was just a cloud, alone in the blueish-pink sky, drifting past the sinking sun. A big, lumpy, greyish sort of cloud. _Huh,_ she thought, slowly raising her phone.

TG: i dont think jakes having a bathroom issue  
GG: What? What do you mean? What are you doing, out there?  
TG: ill explain later if u really need me to but i think   
TG: u have all the pieces  
TG: and the puzzle isnt that tough tbh  
TG: anyway gotta go and btw the food is fine stop stressing about it ok love you bye now!!!  
GG: ..................  


_Sorry, Jane,_ she thought, sliding the phone into a back pocket and ducking down behind the hedges. With Jake PROBABLY off wandering around loose, mission "figure out what the fuck was actually going on" had to come first. 

The loamy garden soil hid her footsteps as she crept along, one gloved hand sliding along the estate wall to steady her. So naturally now that it was almost subconscious, she gathered the meager shadows available around her like a cloak, willing herself to near invisibility, sparkly sequined dress and all. Snatches of conversation drifted by -- several of them about Dirk, and it was _so_ hard to resist the temptation to listen, fuck. She'd picked up the troll's name from the bits and pieces she managed to zero in on -- Elliot or Ellius or something, whatever. 

When she was finally close enough to listen in, the troll was the one doing all the talking. Which made sense, really. Dirk wasn't much of a talker unless you knew how to get him going. 

"So," Dirk's mysterious troll paramour was saying, his voice soft and smooth and slightly lilted. "It's nicer out here, isn't it? A bit more, er, open? You know, I cannot even imagine how stuffy it must be indoors, it must be awful. It's warm enough out here already! Isn't it? Or, hah, is that just me?" The troll ran his fingers through his hair and cast a sheepish look at Dirk, who was still standing impassively beside him. 

"I'm good," Dirk said. 

Roxy covered her mouth and pinched her nose. Oh, fuck. It was hard not to laugh. The poor guy. Dirk hadn't even left him a lifeline. 

"Oh, good!" 

A stretch of silence followed, so awkward that Roxy winced back further into the greenery, shaking her head. She fished in her pocket for her phone, again. This shit was _painful_ , going absolutely nowhere, and as long as Jake didn't roll in and blow it all up for no reason it probably wouldn't matter a goddamn bit by the end of the night. 

Which... filled her with a lot of mixed feelings, actually. 

No time to examine it, because would-be lovertroll was talking, again.

"You know," he tried again, lowering his voice enough that Roxy could barely hear, "I heard there's dancing over on the other side?" 

"Dancing." A pause. "Oh, shit. You mean Dave's thing." 

"Yes! That's -- I mean, oh, fuck. I forgot! You and Dave! Of course you know him, you're -- holy _gosh_ , I'm an idiot." 

And Dirk actually laughed. Roxy lowered her phone and scrunched her nose up, staring in disbelief. Dirk! Laughing! And he was doing the hand-behind-his-neck thing, and -- his friend _was_ kind of a looker. A cute blusher for sure, his cheeks were practically glowing blue. She narrowed her eyes.

"Maybe we should have mentioned our surnames, after all. Mine's Strider," he teased, Dirk was _teasing_ this troll guy, who blushed even more prettily and muttered something Roxy didn't hear because she was far too busy internally freaking the fuck out. 

Was this actually happening?

She whipped her phone up, swiping through to find Rose's window.

TG: i think... dirk might actually like this guy?   
TG: huh  
TG: o right fuck  
TG: sent u on a mission FUCK i forgot  
TG: brb  


She swiped again, brows furrowed, tongue poking ever so slightly out the corner of her mouth. 

Had to talk about this shit with _someone_ , damn.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering uraniumUmbra [UU] at 18:55 --   
  
TG: oh fuckin boy you are not gonna even believe this shit im seein rn  
UU: oh!  
UU: roxy! ^u^  
UU: is that yoUr sUspicioUsly voidy aUra oUt there sneaking throUgh the shrUbbery, then?   
TG: sshhhh no tellin  
UU: i thoUght so.   
TG: listen callie  
TG: you might wanna sit down for this one...........  
UU: if yoU insist, i shall hUrry myself to the nearest seat. :u  
UU: bUt i think i know what this mUst be aboUt.  
TG: u do?  
UU: roxy, darling.  
UU: yoU are standing qUite periloUsly near dirk and his newfoUnd companion, i mUst say.  
TG: lol fuck  
UU: i myself have also been watching this Unfold with some interest, i admit.   
TG: for how long exactly?   
UU: well...   
UU: since they departed the central garden space together, i sUppose? so essentially, from the very beginning!  
TG: jesus fuck  
TG: i coulda just come to you this whole fuckin time :(  
TG: saved myself some shrub sneaking  
TG: unbelievable  
UU: they're rather cUte, aren't they?   
TG: huh  
TG: i gotta say im a little surprised?  
UU: :u?  
TG: it seems to me youre real gung ho on the side of this rando here  
TG: personally im feelin a little.... weird abt it tbh   
UU: i didn't intend to give yoU that impression of my feelings, bUt i have to say, im very cUrioUs about yoUrs!  
TG: i dunno like who is this guy really?  
TG: none of us knows him  
TG: hes probably just got like this shallow celebrity crush thing goin on  
TG: whose to say if hell stick around after the novelty of dating a literal god wears off huh and then what?  
TG: but maybe its not maybe its serious and mutual and headed straight for happily ever after or some storybook shit like that  
TG: and then what you know it probably says a lot about me that i almost think thats WORSE  
TG: and what do we say to jake like  
TG: ok lets be honest for a sec and just admit: he prolly deserves this  
TG: but does he really  
TG: does he REALLY callie???  
UU: my goodness. roxy, dear, slow down!  
UU: yoU are making qUite a lot of very presUmptUoUs assUmptions!  
UU: the first being, what makes yoU think this all has to end in tears?  
TG: bc love is like that callie  
TG: always be bringing ppl to tears and shit thats just how it is   
UU: i dont think thats how it is at all!  
UU: love is a wonderful and dare i sUggest, downright magical emotion, and shoUld be cared for and cUltivated wherever it blooms, i say!  
TG: god   
TG: ur such a romantic :')  
TG: thats so cute :')  
UU: no, no, yoU mUst stop! u_u;  
UU: i am simply saying, i have a good feeling aboUt this!   
TG: so u think hes probably just not tryin to arrange a quickie with a god for mega bragging purposes then huh  
UU: not at all!  
UU: roxy.   
UU: have yoU noticed the cloUds, yet?  
TG: the clouds  
TG: i kinda noticed them a bit yeah why  
UU: jUst that jane was so sUre aboUt today.   
UU: she was very precise with her schedUling.   
UU: i myself watched her turn down foUr other dates and delay the ceremony twice jUst becaUse there was a faint possibility of foUl weather.  
TG: ...   
UU: all i am saying, is that when it comes to love...   
UU: it seems to me that occassionally all that's needed for it to floUrish spectacUlarly is a little pUsh. :u  
TG: lol  
TG: so what youre really saying is  
TG: its gonna be a looooooooong fuckin night   
UU: oh, yes.   
UU: even withoUt the convenience of a seer's foresight or the benefit of caUsal spoilers at my disposal, i can tell yoU with absolUte certainty that it is going to be a very long night indeed. thoUgh... for some more than others, don't yoU think? :u  



	4. Did i mention the unbecoming panic?

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 18:46 --   
  
GA: You Wouldnt Happen To Know Where Jake Is Would You  
CG: ISN'T HE INSIDE? WITH JANE?   
GA: So Thats A No Then  
GA: Well It Was Worth A Shot  
CG: WAIT, IS HE NOT? IS SOMETHING GOING ON? DAMN IT, KANAYA! YOU SAID YOU WOULD KEEP ME INFORMED!  
GA: Yes But In My Defense I Didnt Realize I Would Be So Busy When It Came Time To Divulge  
CG: WHAT'S HAPPENING?   
GA: Honestly  
GA: Im Not Sure Anymore  
GA: But Rose Is Very Determined To Find Jake And Apparently Avert Disaster So Thats What Im Doing  
GA: Let Me Know If You See Him Will You?  
CG: URGHHGH ALL RIGHT, FINE. I'LL LET YOU KNOW.   
GA: Thanks  
GA: Also Dirk Is Definitely On A Date  
GA: Okay Bye  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK!  
  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 18:48 --   
  
CG: HEY.  
CG: UH  
CG: SO  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, EXACTLY?   
GT: Jesus fucking christmas!   
CG: WHAT?  
GT: Cant a guy take a trip to the can without everyone on gods shiny new or a least refurbished green fucking earth pestering him day and goddamn night!   
CG: HOLY SHIT, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?   
GT: Nothing! No one! I dont have a problem maybe im having a fine relaxing time in here taking the worlds finest and most luxurious shit in the midst of all janes completely over the top bathroom appurtenances did anyone even consider that???   
CG: GOD, NO. NO, I DEEPLY DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER SINGLE WORD ABOUT THAT!  
GT: Maybe i just like the sound of running water so i ran around turning all the faucets on and am presently sitting in the middle of the floor absorbing their soothing cadence while i ponder the dubious risk reward ratio of flushing this dumfungled device down one of the pearly gapers how about that!!!  
CG: WOW  
GT: What do you think about that Karkat!?  
CG: I THINK, JUST  
CG: JUST MESSAGE ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE?!  
CG: IT'S IMPORTANT.  
GT: Yeah i just bet it is! Isnt it always?  
CG: HEY, JAKE  
GT: What!!!  
CG: ARE YOU OK?  
  
\-- golgothasTerror [GT] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 18:55 --   
  
CG: OH WHAT THE FUCK!  
CG: SERIOUSLY???  
  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 18:55 --   
  
CG: HE CLAIMS HE'S IN THE ABLUTION BLOCK, AND I'LL SPARE YOU ANY FURTHER DETAIL. A COURTESY THAT HE, BY THE WAY, DID NOT DEEM NECESSARY TO PAY ME, AND THAT WAS *BEFORE* HE BLOCKED ME, SO YOU COULD SAY THAT IN GENERAL IT WENT ABOUT AS BADLY AS IT POSSIBLY COULD HAVE.  
GA: Yikes  
GA: Ill Pass That Along  
GA: And Uh  
GA: Hope We Dont Have To Go In After Him I Guess  
CG: GOOD LUCK.   


*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 19:00 --   
  
TT: All right.   
TT: You've most likely been waiting to hear the following words for essentially your entire life, so please prepare yourself for what I'm sure will be an absolute fit of rapturous delight.   
GG: oh hi rose! :D  
GG: i see youre feeling dramatic and wordy as ever  
TT: Yes.   
TT: And I need your help.   
GG: :O!  


*

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 19:10 --   
  
GG: omg  
GG: are you dying in there or what???   
GT: What? No!  
GT: Also thats a rather untoward thing to ask considering the situation if you dont mind my saying so!  
GG: have you seriously locked yourself in the bathroom  
GG: i thought for sure rose was exaggerating but nooo  
GG: here you are!!  
GG: exactly as reported, unbelievable  
GT: I cannot even fathom why rose would be reporting on my comings and goings washroom wise but you know what im not even about to ask.   
GT: I doubt i want to know.   
GG: okay well, just so you know!! all the tabloids tomorrow are going to be talking about your ass tomorrow morning, and not in the usual nice, generally flattering way  
GT: Eugh.   
GT: Maybe i escaped through the window like a thief in the night!  
GT: How do you know im even still on the premises at all answer me that.   
GG: if thats the case it was pretty rude of you to lock everyone else out of the toilet :P  
GT: Thats bullshit and you know it. Jane has like fifty bathrooms on the first floor alone. Also you still havent clarified exactly why youre hassling me about it here!   
GG: oh come on  
GG: whats the matter?  
GG: and dont say nothing because people dont lock themselves in bathrooms unless something is definitely the matter!  
GT: All right look here.   
GT: Maybe just MAYBE i actually had to go.   
GT: And when i got here and got down to business,   
GG: feel free to be less detailed for this part!!!   
GT: Maybe i realized how nice and quiet and alone i was in here and liked it okay?   
GT: Maybe i turned on all the faucets and am just standing here with my eyes closed enjoying the blissful sound of something like nature while i ruminate on what a useless fucking lout i really am.   
GT: And maybe thats the sort of thing you should really leave a man to in peace jade! Alright?!  
GG: okay, but... what HAPPENED?  
GT: I wish i knew.   
GG: thats not really super helpful   
GT: Dont i know it!   
GT: I just keep thinking about it.  
GT: He saw me standing there you know. He looked right at me. Right in the eye! And then he just turned and walked away like id done him an awful disservice to his face. Only i...   
GT: Well hell maybe i did.   
GT: I dont fucking know and thats the full rub of it. You know i should never have come to this shitty party.   
GT: No i dont mean that.   
GT: Dont tell jane i said that.   
GT: Its a great party.  
GG: you are not making any sense!!!   
GG: do i need to send in the cavalry after you?   
GG: by cavalry i obviously mean dave and karkat  
GT: Good god please no. I already blocked karkat in the throes of a thoroughly unbecoming panic and id rather not have to face him or dirks abominably disarming younger brother for the moment please.  
GG: its fine, i block karkat all the time  
GT: What about jane.   
GG: You blocked jane???  
GT: And roxy too.  
GG: D:   
GT: Did i mention the unbecoming panic? Im sure i did.   
GG: gosh jake D:  
GG: okay look we absolutely will sort this out, ok?  
GG: you cant stay in there forever! people are really talking now  
GG: they think you and jane and maybe roxy and ummm... dirrrk??? had some kind of tiff  
GT: Wait...  
GT: Just what are they saying about dirk?   
GG: no no we dont have time for that now!!  
GG: jane is doing her best to smooth it over but its preeeetty awkward :s  
GG: is there anything i can do to help you feel better right now?   
GT: No i dont suppose there is.   
GT: But... ah fuck.  
GT: Itd be downright boorish of me to leave poor janey in the lurch like that.   
GT: And i did rather leave her in quite a er state.   
GT: That was wrong of me and i should really make it right.   
GT: Shouldnt i?  
GG: probably, yes??  
GT: Righto. So i guess ill be out shortly.   
GG: okay, good!  
GG: thats more like it  
GG: make sure you spray some of that air freshener before you go  
GT: Oh come on!   
GG: and dont think we arent going to talk more about this later either because we definitely are  
GT: One disaster at a time jade please!  
GT: Im only one man!  
GG: :)  


*

And he intended to follow through. He really did. 

He picked himself up off the floor, dusted off his fancy pants and coattails, took a deep, deep breath, and shut the faucets off one by one. He fiddled around in one of the many mirrors, running anxious fingers through his hair and splashing his face with cold water. Psyching himself up. It wouldn't be so bad. Once he was back out there he could settle right back into that persona of his Jane and all her Crockercorp contacts liked so much, and everything would be fine. 

But. 

But by the time he actually managed to slink out of the washroom, Jane seemed to have the situation with her house guests well in hand. She had Jade with her now, all done up in a gorgeous green-black strapless gown that caught the light and sparkled fancifully every time she moved. They were standing at the top of a double set of fine curved staircases, and Jane had one hand resting lightly on the banister with the other waving about in the air. Charming her audience with sheer wit, no doubt. Jane's guests seemed rightfully captivated by the both of them, and what place did he have interrupting their spell? None at all. So he carefully eased himself back into the hall, and thankfully, neither Jade nor Jane noticed him.

He ducked his head and tucked his hands in his pockets and made for the gardens, the exact way Dirk had stalked out looking like he'd sucked a basketful of lemons not so very long ago. 

The sun was a sullen orange, finally sinking behind the distant mountains. Low clouds were creeping in, fluffy greyish-white tendrils tinted pink in the sunset. The crowds were even thicker than they'd been when he'd first arrived, an event that now seemed to have taken place a lifetime ago. He'd been so damn full of bluster, sure he'd only have to stand it for as long as it took Dirk to catch up with him. Dirk always claimed that he wasn't charismatic, but the truth was, people found him fascinating. How couldn't they? And whether he chose to acknowledge the skill or not, Dirk was better at following group conversations than Jake would ever be. 

Shit, but he was feeling sorry for himself. A few party goers caught wind of his presence, and he hurried by before they could step up or say anything, affecting a dishonest hurried, distracted gait that made him feel guilty, sure, but guilt was better than whatever he'd have been feeling after five minutes of pretending to be comfortable entertaining them. He rushed through the garden and up a set of stone stairs into the upper conservatory, wound his way through a more sparsely populated, glass-roofed sort of deal, and nearly tripped over an unfamiliar couple snogging in a shadowed alcove near a second set of stairs. 

He hurried upward into the atrium, mumbling apologies. Glass panes several times as tall as he was stretched upward, flowered vines ran up trellises and hung from ceiling planters, and from here, he could see most of the garden stretched below. The lights were just starting to wink on, strings and strings of them done up all around each of the courtyards, alternating classic white and Crocker crimson in sequence. 

There was something a tad voyeuristic about it, he thought, staring through the faint outline of his own reflection in the glass. No one down there was looking up, and even if they did, he'd just be a shadow on the wall.

He tried to tell himself he hadn't come up here to spy on people, that it was just because it was a peaceful, quiet place he'd known wouldn't be milling with many party goers - not many people even knew you could access this space - but it wasn't strictly true. He'd come up here hoping to catch a glimpse of Dirk down there. Hoping he was still here at the party. Hoping he hadn't inadvertently curdled the supposedly platonic relationship they'd been cultivating over the last year, somehow. It was a worry he entertained multiple times a week, and wasn't that a sign that maybe they were better broken up? 

He exhaled, loud and messy, fogging up the glass with his breath. 

Stupid, he thought, even as his legs propelled him along the perimeter of the platform and he scanned the crowd with furtive, anxious glances.

He was rounding a corner overrun with big, leafy ferns spilling out onto the walkway when he nearly collided with a second would-be voyeur, half leaning over the railing against the glass. He stopped short with a little gasp, but the troll didn't seem to hear. Jake gathered himself, squinted his eyes at him and moved nearer -- there was a prickle of _something_ in the air, like a static background hum strumming chords at the back of his brain -- it was a bit uncomfortable, actually. The other man -- troll, actually -- was wearing this look of utter concentration, and Jake could see his eyes glowing faintly amber behind his little square spectacles in his reflection in the glass. 

Jake cleared his throat, pointedly. The bronzeblood heard this, at least, and straightened so fast his sensible little spectacles nearly flew off his face. 

"So sorry," the troll said, holding up his hands in a warding gesture. "Do forgive me if I'm intruding, but one seemed to think this area was off limits, so I took their word for it and came right up --" 

"It's not off limits," Jake said, crossing his arms. The troll nodded, straightening his spectacles and his shoulders, both. He was very tall, Jake noted, almost as tall as Dirk, and just as lanky in form and figure. He was all dressed up in a sensible plain grey suit and solid bronze-tinted tie. "Visiting, at least. Now, using your psychic abilities to spy on the guests might be another matter altogether!" He made this accusatory, trying his best to sound intimidating.

The troll's shoulders slumped. "Yes, that's fair," he said, and he sounded so absolutely miserable that some of the fight went out of Jake, too. How was he supposed to kick around a man that sounded like he'd already been plenty kicked around tonight, already? But what if he was some savvy corporate saboteur? 

"Just what were you hoping to glean from your surreptitious little peep show?" Jake demanded. At least if he exposed one of Jane's enemies, he might be able to get back into her good graces after the whole blocking... incident. This thought bolstered him onward more than anything. "Are you after some dirt on Jane, is that it? Are you a member of one of those radical troll factions, the ones that go around calling Jane and the rest of us the "hornless" and plotting to undo all her work? That's it, isn't it?" Jake advanced on him as he spoke, balling his hands into fists. 

The bronzeblood's eyes went progressively wider with each word, until he was shaking his head firmly, hands up, fingers splayed, denying everything. "No," he said, when Jake was finished. "No, that's not it at all! If you must know, I actually take tremendous issue with that entire scandal, thank you very much! It's all so -- so impolitic! And impolite, besides." 

"What do you call what you were just doing, then? And don't try to deny it!" 

"No, of course not." He sighed, chin dropping near to his chest. "I admit it; I was borrowing the birds a bit for a better angle on a certain... situation, down below." 

"Spying," Jake said, a little prickle of guilt and jealousy going through him, equal and at odds. Guilt, because he'd been trying to spy, too, and jealousy, because this troll's abilities were so much more useful for it, which just didn't seem fair. Out-powered by a mortal, didn't it just figure. He'd have to relay this to Callie the next time she started going on about how frigging all powerful he was supposed to be. 

"Yes, but I assure you, it was all very personal in nature." The troll was blushing, now, which was strange on a bronzeblood -- his grey skin just darkened in this telltale way, the color practically indistinct. "You see, I was spying on my moirail, who I think may be getting himself into some trouble, down there." 

"Trouble?" Jake furrowed his brows. "How so?" 

"Look," the troll invited him, gesturing him over. Jake squinted at him suspiciously, then thought, _well hell, why the frig not,_ and stepped up to the indicated railing. "That's him, there," the troll went on, blithely, pointing down through the glass. "The tall one in blue?"

But it wasn't the blue that caught his eye, at least not at first. Instead his eyes landed on a familiar, slicked-up tuft of ginger hair. He sucked in a breath, leaned in and put both hands on the glass. Jane was likely going to take him to task for that sin later when someone found his greasy prints, but he couldn't help it -- he leaned forward enough that his nose bumped against the barrier, too. That was definitely Dirk, standing near a crowd that had spread itself around him like a paper fan. Dirk leaned back on his heels, and Jake wished he could see his face. What was he doing? 

From the crowd, a whip-thin troll stepped up and gestured, lips moving too fast for Jake to follow, especially at this distance. He was done up in a suit, too, and if Jake squinted hard enough he could just make out the navy blue trimmings on black. He exhaled, slowly. This troll had long horns, curled at the ends, and when he stepped up and put an arm around Dirk and clicked a stupid selfie picture of them with his phone in his other hand Jake felt his eyes go all narrow for an entirely different reason. The troll's hand trailed just a little too low on Dirk's back, and Dave and Rose had probably been selling Dirk all this time on the virtues of trolls as potential romantic partners, and -- 

And he really was god's own fucking fool, wasn't he? Standing up here, peeping on people, letting himself get jealous because someone else just happened to be _touching_ Dirk. Jesus criminy. "Get a goddamn grip, English," he muttered to himself, but he couldn't stop watching.

"English?" his fellow spy gasped. "Oh -- _hell_ , is that who you --? I thought you seemed familiar, but I didn't want to just _ask_ , and, I've really stepped in it this time, haven't I? But what are the odds? I couldn't have possibly anticipated..." 

He kept on like this, but Jake ignored him, keeping his eyes peeled on the scene below. The blue blooded troll went on being entirely too forward. He made this trailing gesture across Dirk's back before dropping his hand, and Jake watched, frowning, while Dirk turned and presumably said _something_ and god _damn it_ , he couldn't tell what was going on. People nearby them were smiling. He thought, just for a moment, that he saw _Roxy_ creeping closer to them along the estate wall, but when he blinked and shifted his gaze to focus on her, there was nothing there, after all. 

Guilt and suspicion filled him as he remembered their aborted earlier conversation, and he shoved the thought away, refocusing on what _really_ mattered, here.

Dirk raised a hand and scratched the back of his neck. He only did that when he was well and truly flustered over something, and Jake's insides writhed like a pile of snakes. The troll flagged down a server and plucked a couple drinks off a tray -- he was damnably quick, elegant with his movements, long-fingered and pretty-faced and for fuck's sake, he was offering one of the drinks to Dirk, and Dirk was _taking_ it. He didn't even like champagne! 

Jake backed away from the glass panels and made an exasperated noise, drumming his fingers uselessly on the railing. Overhead, the sunset tinted cloud tendrils began to coalesce, blotting out the emerging stars. 

His bronzeblood companion was still rambling about fate and gods and a bunch of other blithering bullshit Jake presently couldn't have cared less about if he tried. "You there," Jake snapped at him. The bronzeblood's mouth clicked shut, the drone of his voice mercifully evaporating. "You say you know that fellow? The one obviously putting the moves on my -- on --" he faltered, scrabbling for the right words. 

"I do," he said. "Again, that's my moirail, Ellius Megami, and --" 

"And who are you, exactly?" 

"...Forbes," the troll said, hesitantly. "Forbes Lucrei. And it _is_ an honor to meet you, even if, er, the circumstances..." he trailed off with a sheepish little shrug. 

Jake glared at him. Glared at the window. Glared back at him. Forbes wilted a bit under his gaze, cringing backward. Probably he'd heard all kinds of fairy stories about how supposedly great and all powerful _the_ Jake English was supposed to be. Jake took a deep breath.

"You don't like that situation, do you?" he said, putting it together easy as anything. "Moirails, you said? Yes, I know a thing or two about _that_ , thank you, but it seems to me that _moirails_ don't pine after each other from the top of garden atriums, making moon eyes at their partners and feeling like their hearts have been ripped out just because they're off canoodling with another guy. Is that more or less right?" 

"Now, hold on --" 

"No, out with it! I can't trust any of _my_ friends with this, and I need to know if I can depend on you or not!" 

"For... _what_ , exactly?" Forbes gaped at him.

"For putting the kibosh on that whole budding romance _bullshit_ before it blooms, obviously!" Jake shook at finger at him. "Moirails, my arse. How long have you been after him in the other way, huh? How long? More than a year? It's been more than a year for _me._ " Jake shoved himself off the railing and began to pace, gesturing wildly. "Jesus Criminy -- how fucking _stupid_ are we, really? Look at them! Guys like that -- you think they're just going to wait forever? Why did I think I could just wait forever? Why did I think I had to _wait_ at all?" 

Forbes was looking at him like he'd gone quite mad, and hell, maybe he had. But after a minute, his wide-eyed frozen expression thawed into something more personable, and he lifted his chin and gave him a shy, black-lipped little smile. 

"You know," he said. "I've heard the stories about your particular brand of infectious magnetism --" 

"Oh, don't start with _that--_ " 

"But knowing something intellectually and experiencing it firsthand are really... something else." Forbes raised a finger to his chin and tapped it thoughtfully. "Well, all right, then. Maybe it's a sign. I'm not about to turn down help from the God of _Hope._ " 

Jake crossed his arms again, eyes flicking back out to the scene below. He grimaced. "Then let's get to plotting," he said. 

Directly overhead, the gathering clouds let out their first warning rumble, strong enough to rattle the glass.


	5. what is the fucking deal with dirk and jake???

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:20 --  
  
GG: okay!!  
CG: UH, HI?  
GG: hi karkat  
GG: this is going to sound really weird and i apologize in advance  
GG: but i need you to drag jake out of a bathroom for me  
CG: OH, GOD DAMN IT.   
GG: i knowwwwwwww but i cant be the one who does it!!! jake and roxy BOTH left poor jane to fend for herself in here and if i go too i think shes really going to lose it!  
CG: NO, IT'S JUST  
CG: SOMEHOW, DEEP IN MY FUCKING SOUL, I KNEW THIS WAS COMING. I JUST CAN'T ESCAPE JAKE ENGLISH AND HIS BATHROOM ADVENTURES, TONIGHT. IT'S LIKE THIS SONG OF DESTINY, SINGING IN MY BONES.   
GG: you are so weird :')  
GG: can you just please try?   
GG: he likes you, youre the most stubborn person i know and people generally wont be surprised if you end up having to actually drag him out, its perfect  
CG: WOW.   
GG: dont act so offended, you know its true :P  
CG: THIS IS SO UNFAIR. OF ALL OF OUR FRIENDS, I AM EASILY ONE OF THE BEST BEHAVED! EVERYONE ELSE GETS UP TO ABSOLUTELY ASTOUNDINGLY STUPID SHIT ALL THE TIME! I DON'T DESERVE THIS BESMIRCHED REPUTATION!  
GG: yes you do  
CG: DAMN IT, JADE  
GG: and i mean that fondly  
CG: OH.   
GG: ...mostly  
CG: OK. I GET IT.   
GG: so youll do it???   
CG: I GUESS I CAN SURE GIVE IT A FUCKING TRY, WHY NOT.   
GG: okay great!!!  
GG: thank you karkat   
GG: and um if you dont see him in there  
GG: check if the window is open :/  
GG: he mentioned something about flying out :///   
CG: GREAT.   
GG: i know  
GG: okay good luck!! let me know how it goes   
CG: SURE THING.   
  
*  
  
grimAuxilatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 19:30  
  
GA: How Goes The Operation  
CG: BADLY???   
GA: Uh Oh  
GA: Is He Stubbornly Clinging To A Pipe Or Perhaps A Door Frame  
CG: NOT EXACTLY?  
GA: You Keep Ending Your Statements With Question Marks  
CG: SORRY. I'M JUST CONFUSED.   
GA: At Least That Particular Feeling Is Highly Relatable  
CG: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO TELL JADE, BUT I GUESS YOU CAN TELL ROSE, TOO: I DON'T THINK HE'S HERE. JADE SAID HE MIGHT HAVE FLOWN OUT THE WINDOW, OR SOMETHING? WHAT THE FUCK.   
GA: I Concur  
GA: What The Fuck  
CG: I'D SEND HIM A MESSAGE, BUT HE STILL HAS ME BLOCKED!  
CG: GOD DAMN WIGGLER BULLSHIT.  
CG: ANYWAY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE WENT. IF ANYONE CAN FIND HIM, THOUGH, IT'S PROBABLY JADE.   
GA: Jade Didnt Seem Keen On The Idea Of Leaving Jane Alone  
GA: Perhaps Rose And I Are Next In Line To Accompany Her  
GA: Oh Dear  
CG: MAYBE.  
CG: WELL, WHATEVER.  
CG: I'M SURE YOU'LL DO GREAT. JUST STAND NEXT TO ROSE AND BARE YOUR FANGS AT ANYONE WHO GIVES YOU SHIT.   
GA: Great Idea  
GA: Theyll Love It  
GA: Itll Be Totally Cool And Not Unsettling At All  
CG: EXACTLY.  
GA: I Think  
GA: Just This Once  
GA: Im Going To Ignore Your Advice  
CG: IT'S ALL PROBABLY MOOT ANYWAY. THE SECOND THOSE CLOUDS BREAK, JANE IS GOING TO HAVE MORE TO DO THAN STAND IN A FOYER ENTERTAINING IMBECILES.  
GA: True  
CG: WHATEVER. TELL THEM I TRIED. I NEED TO GET BACK TO DAVE, HE'S PROBABLY NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S HAPPENING AT ALL.   
CG: PARTIALLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM ANYTHING.   
CG: DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE UPSET ABOUT THAT?  
GA: Well  
CG: GOD, NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.   
CG: THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.   
GA: Yes But I Still Feel Compelled To Tell You That I Think Youll Work It Out  
GA: You Always Do  
GA: Rose Is Gesturing At Me In An Urgent Manner So I Think I Have To Go  
CG: GOOD LUCK.   
GA: You Too  
  
*  
  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 19:45 --  
  
TT: I'm sure that someone has already told you this, and you summarily mistook their thoughtful heads up for alarmist bullshit, but I am telling you with one hundred percent certainty that it is most definitely going to rain.   
TT: I would suggest you get all of that ridiculous equipment inside before it starts.   
TG: god you make it sound like   
TG: extravagant or something  
TT: Whatever it is, I'm guessing it isn't waterproof.   
TG: where did this even come from it was crystal goddamn clear like an hour ago  
TT: Yes, Dave. We have a name for this shocking phenomena. Colloquially, it is most commonly known as "the weather."   
TG: its bullshit is what it is  
TG: look at this crowd rose  
TG: how can i disappoint this crowd  
TG: they came for sick beats and ill rhythms  
TG: im like  
TG: the god of those things or something now  
TT: That's a curious way to spell "Time."   
TG: ok but the point is i cant disappoint them by killing this set partways in like this its downright unconscionable   
TG: werent you the one that said we needed to embrace our roles in the universe or whatever  
TT: No.   
TG: damn it  
TT: That was Callie, in fact. But nice try.   
TG: alright well when she gets going her obtuse musetalk sounds a lot like obtuse seertalk and you know me i hear obtuse and i immediately just think oh yeah thats that thing rose does basically all the time  
TT: Ah, yes. Sweet irony.   
TG: what  
TG: no  
TG: god damn it no i was owning you there you dont get to use my own words to own me back  
TT: But it's so much more efficient that way.   
TG: listen  
TT: Unfortunately, you do have a point about one thing.   
TG: i do?  
TT: This weather is a bit strange.   
TT: I highly doubt Jane would have picked today if this were in the forecast.   
TG: which one of us is god of fucking with the weather  
TT: I think we all generally have the capacity for it, if we apply ourselves. I've been experimenting with our general purview over the physical laws of this world, but I'm going to cut to a different thought before you have the chance to sass me for being boring.   
TG: fuck  
TT: I doubt any one of us would sabotage Jane's gala on purpose.   
TG: so this is on accident  
TT: Yes.   
TG: youre sure its not just like bad weather forecasting   
TG: meteorology is an inexact science rose  
TG: unlike my mixing btw which is extremely on point tonight  
TG: and all nights  
TG: but especially tonight  
TT: Can't you feel it? Something heavy in the air.   
TG: god here we go  
TT: If I were to guess, I would say it has something to do with our resident God of Hope.   
TG: unreal  
TG: is it gonna rain every time jake has a bad day  
TG: global flood 2.0 incoming  
TG: i swear there was a cartoon about this once  
TG: no no wait  
TG: it was a video game  
TG: holy shit i have to save this revelation for roxy later shes going to shit her pants  
TT: I doubt his feelings will manifest the exact same way every time. Things are never that tidy, are they?   
TT: You really can't feel that?   
TG: feel what  
TT: ...Nothing.   
TG: i would offer to talk to jake i guess maybe but we already tried that  
TG: or at least karkat did  
TG: jade said he locked himself in a bathroom and wouldnt come out  
TT: Yes, I've been following this little saga.  
TG: ok cool so you know that when karkat went in to fish him out or whatever he wasnt there  
TG: hes talking to her now off in bathroom land and apparently jades all riled up over it  
TG: i think she went looking for him so maybe talk to her  
TG: real shame though god knows id love to have a horrible awkward conversation with teen grandpa  
TG: make him a mixtape  
TG: say its from dirk  
TG: boom instant sunshine or i guess moonlight since its night now  
TG: only then he plays it and its just a four hour loop of the recording i took when we tried to explain bowling to karkat and he threw nineteen gutters in a row and made that noise like a cicada  
TG: btw ten out of ten search engines agree that the most annoying insect sound is cicadas  
TT: Print that out and hang it over your bed.   
TG: wow  
TG: implying i havent already  
TT: You probably shouldn't talk to Jake. Assuming he's found, eventually.  
TG: ok cool  
TT: You could maybe talk to Dirk, though.   
TG: fuck no  
TT: Oh, come on.   
TG: god damn it rose no im not bothering him about this shit again  
TG: its awkward and he doesnt want to talk about it and what the fuck neither do i!  
TG: have kanaya talk to dirk kanaya loves to talk to people about their personal bullshit  
TT: Yes, but I need someone who might make some actual progress toward solving said bullshit. And you know we have reached dire circumstances indeed when my only option is to come to you.   
TG: ughhhhgghgh  
TG: i hate it  
TG: i hate it rose  
TG: can i make karkat do it instead  
TT: I would really prefer if Karkat spoke to Jake, assuming he's found.  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: why does everyone want karkat to talk to jake so bad tonight  
TT: They seem to have a good rapport.   
TG: im pretty sure they hate each other  
TT: You're not that stupid.   
TG: your compliments are always a total joy to receive  
TT: I know.   
TG: im going to die  
TT: You'll be fine.   
TG: why dont you just do it  
TG: dont you know everything why dont you just solve it yourself  
TT: Dirk is very... defensive, with me. In regards to this, especially. I've tried, believe me.   
TG: do we even know if this is like  
TG: the right thing  
TT: Determining whether or not Dirk actually intends to move on seems like a perfectly reasonable course of action to me. After all, if he's serious about whatever it is he's doing, now, far be it from me to interfere. But if so, Jake should know, don't you think?  
TG: .... what  
TG: the fuck  
TG: are you talking about  
TT: ... You don't know.   
TG: what is he doing  
TT: He seems to have attached himself to one of Jane's guests. In a way that is unsettlingly date-like.   
TG: no way  
TT: Yes way.   
TG: ...  
TG: well i mean  
TG: thats his business   
TG: why should that be any of my business  
TG: what do you want me to say to him just hey dirk so are you dunking the english torch or what  
TG: yeah im sure thatll be real natural coming from someone whose purposely avoided the entire subject with him as much as possible  
TT: I sincerely believe you may be the only person here who can get him to talk at least somewhat honestly about this.   
TG: no thats bullshit  
TG: its just going to cause a bunch of stupid drama  
TG: no matter what he says jake isnt going to like it so its not like any weather disasters are going to be averted through our intrusive meddling  
TG: hey i have a way better idea lets just leave them alone  
TG: roxy says they were always like this  
TG: jane says they were both nincompoops which from jane language translates to absolutely heinously idiotic assholes  
TT: Let's see. Who does that remind me of?   
TG: you and kanaya  
TT: You and Karkat!  
TG: you and kanaya were way worse  
TT: You used to routinely suffocate Karkat with your god tier cape because you were, in your own words, sparing us all from being subjected to the sound of him grating out even one more unnecessary ear splitting syllable.   
TG: you once asked me if i could stop time so you would never have to actually go to your date with kanaya because you decided the alchemiter was incapable of making anything fancy enough for a date but casual enough to seem chill with it and then argued with me about your overall chillness levels or rather LACK THEREOF until kanaya just walked in like sup rose  
TT: Oh god.   
TG: are you ready for our hot date  
TG: i guess youre going in your pajamas thats cool should i go change into mine  
TG: and then you ran out of the room and i had to explain to kanaya that you didnt hate her youre just an idiot  
TT: You used to threaten to throw yourself off the meteor daily rather than face up to your feelings for Karkat.   
TG: ok but you used to respond with "same" while guzzling entire bottles of alchemized liquor so i dont think you get to hold that one over me  
TT: My god.   
TT: I figured it out.   
TT: Our mutual romantic ineptitude is the dire inheritance bestowed on us by our genetic father.   
TG: jfghhghhh how many times do i have to tell you dont call him that  
TG: hes not my fucking dad  
TT: He literally is, though.  
TG: hes my bro and btw fuck you  
TG: you can take your bullshit counseling plans and shove them wherever because im not gonna do it  
TT: Dave.   
TT: Come on. Don't be like that.   
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to THUNDEROUS --  
  
TT: I see your dedication to Being Like That is strong.  
TT: Fine.  


*

"I get the distinct sense that it's not going well," Kanaya said. 

Rose glanced at her over the phone. She was standing at the balcony rail, and the wind accompanying the rising storm whipped her skirts around her, layers of silk and lace billowing. She had a hopeful look on her face, brows raised, posture bent ever so slightly forward, hungry for details. Rose laughed. 

"Dave is an infant," she said. 

"That isn't exactly news." 

"You were hoping for details," Rose said, arching an eyebrow. 

"Obviously," Kanaya said, and Rose waved the phone at her, shaking her head. 

"Shameless glutton." 

"Yes, fair. For an embarrassing number of things, it would seem," Kanaya said, and Rose coughed while her cheeks went warm and she slipped the phone back into her purse. Fuck it. They were idiots. 

"Really? Well. I have an idea, then." She set the purse down and joined Kanaya at the railing, returning her curious expression with what she hoped was at least a halfway seductive smile. "We'll exchange details. You tell me all the things you're hungry for, and I'll tell you all the ways in which my direct relations are hopeless idiots." 

Kanaya's cheeks tinged green, her chin tilted up, and a low rumble rolled across the sky. 

*

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:00 --  
  
TG: THUNDEROUS huh?  
TG: damn i think u might be right tho  
TG: poor jane shes gonna be pissed  
TG: like a whole fuckin bunch of this party is takin place firmly outdoors lmao fuck  
TG: yeah apparently jake is like that crying dude from the mario rpg and every time he's sad it rains or something  
TG: lmfao u know callie was just saying somethin verrrrrrrrrry similar  
TG: i knew i had a bad feelin about those clouds   
TG: guess i dont need to ask what hes cryin about  
TG: ...  
TG: is dirk really with someone else  
TG: seems so  
TG: i was bein hella uncool and spyin on their convo w my rogue powers  
TG: wow  
TG: yup it was p shitty and if dirk finds out hes gonna be pissed so pls dont tell  
TG: yeah...   
TG: uh   
TG: so like  
TG: whaaaaaaaaaaaat....... did you hear  
TG: oho!! wait just a sec there mister  
TG: if u share in my illicit informational goods u become an accomplice 2 my crime ;)  
TG: are u prepared for that responsibility???  
TG: ugh  
TG: ok how about this then  
TG: what is the fucking deal with dirk and jake???  
TG: lol fuck  
TG: where do i even begin  
TG: i know but listen  
TG: dirk never fucking talks about it and ive pretty much respected that because i dont really want to talk about it either it sounds awkward and stupid and all around bad  
TG: accurate  
TG: and i dont really talk to jake all that often thats more karkats thing apparently  
TG: yeah but does karkat ever talk abt it? ;)  
TG: i mean yeah  
TG: :o??!  
TG: but not as much as you think  
TG: :(  
TG: relationships are practically his religion and the private details are the sacred fucking texts he doesnt fuck around with that shit  
TG: and also i dont really want to know so its easy for him to not have to say anything  
TG: but i get the sense that dirks been really... miserable  
TG: you dont say  
TG: and i know he was always kind of like this based on things people have said and all the uncool snooping around ive done on account of the fact that hes... who he is and theres things i wanted to know about him   
TG: but you know it sucks  
TG: it really... really sucks  
TG: and i think if jake is so fucking miserable too hes literally making the whole world cry on us with the force of his dismay  
TG: i dont know  
TG: rose thinks i should talk to him  
TG: i dont want to   
TG: i mean i do want to talk to him just about other stuff god obviously i dont mean i dont want to talk to him in a general sense   
TG: gagghrfrfh brb rewinding time to make this conversation less STUPID  
TG: you aint gotta rewind or explain nothin  
TG: i know what u mean  
TG: ok cool  
TG: as to ur VERY VERY GOOD QUESTION.............  
TG: idk :(  
TG: damn it roxy  
TG: everything was so fucked up!  
TG: everyone was cranky as balls and we were stuck on our weird dead planets fighting weird dead monsters accomplishing weird dead fuckall   
TG: not to mention jane was still crushing super hard at the time and i was complicating everything even more bein all like sob sob but when jane and jake are married what am i gonna do when the only person left is a dude whose too gay to function  
TG: that ive been basically harassing for years already  
TG: ok  
TG: u can rewind time now lets start over  
TG: no way  
TG: you had your chance  
TG: you dove face first right into that shit swamp on purpose  
TG: maybe so  
TG: but now im full of regret :(  
TG: shouldntve brought it up its all such bullshit  
TG: the thing is   
TG: i dont know what id say to him even if i did talk to him about this  
TG: especially because i dont even know what jake thinks  
TG: i guess i should talk to karkat  
TG: you wouldnt think thatd be a big deal since ive been talking to karkat like every day basically nonstop for four years now  
TG: lol  
TG: ur in love :)  
TG: shut the fuck up  
TG: lovers in loving love :)  
TG: roxy  
TG: no  
TG: thats a song btw imma sing it next time i see u  
TG: cool let me mark that down on my calendar for never  
TG: let me tell u what i REALLY think  
TG: ok  
TG: i think those stupid boys have been in love w each other for as long as i thought i was in love with dirk  
TG: oh god no  
TG: which is to say as someone who is intimately familiar w that whole cursed timeline   
TG: no stop  
TG: a LONG FRUCKKIN TIME  
TG: god this must be how karkat feels every day with people just not stopping ever no matter how much you ask  
TG: but theyre too worried about fucking everything up to try it again now that everything is less stupid all the time and its been so long that now its awkward to bring it up and lmao were all disasters   
TG: and idk how i feel about dirk lettin some troll dude feel him up while jake is off somewhere conjuring sadness rain  
TG: less detail about what dirk is doing please  
TG: part of me thinks shit good for him!!! finally someone made a goddamn decision woo FUCKIN hoo!   
TG: but another and maybe bigger part just thinks its a sad mistake  
TG: but its not my life either like u have no idea how much dirks romantic exploits are a totally uncool thing for me to meddle in or even think of meddling in even tho apparently i cant help myself :/  
TG: because you liked him  
TG: i thought i LOVED him for like.... years lmao  
TG: yeah ive picked up some of this hellishly awkward story  
TG: bits and pieces here and there  
TG: im p much over it now but that doesnt erase all the things i said and did back then  
TG: like 4 instance  
TG: i used to pester dirk all the time to talk about... what our kids would be like!  
TG: .............  
TG: it was this totally uncool thing i used to do to guilt him about being gay while we were the last ppl on earth  
TG: uh  
TG: ya bet you didnt know ur mom was basically human garbage did you  
TG: well surprise  
TG: anyway  
TG: youre not human garbage  
TG: aw  
TG: ur wrong but very sweet  
TG: anyway i used to think about it a lot and its nice to know that i was right and he was wrong  
TG: wait  
TG: what does that mean  
TG: what did he say about us  
TG: i mean the hypothetical us  
TG: he just wasnt very optimistic in regards to yalls overall level of togetherness  
TG: on account of being hypothetically raised by us  
TG: but it turns out u two are the most together of us all so jokes on him eh  
TG: he never wanted kids though right  
TG: hmm  
TG: i mean he just wouldnt  
TG: no but  
TG: if he knew theyd turn out like you and rose..........  
TG: but it dont matter hes gay and im over it and everything turned out alright except for the parts that are still janky as shit  
TG: like his relationship w jake  
TG: they like  
TG: basically already live together sorta  
TG: makes u wonder what goes down there sometimes  
TG: or maybe who goes down ;) ;););  
TG: goddamn it!  
TG: stop it absolutely not  
TG: listen dave i am only human  
TG: look  
TG: i dont want to know about any of that shit i just want to know if the right thing to do is to try and fix their shit so they can be like  
TG: happy or something  
TG: god  
TG: ur too cute i cant handle it  
TG: stop  
TG: honestly i think no matter what this thing w dirk tonight is  
TG: it wont work  
TG: and he and jake are gonna end up together again eventually  
TG: thats it thats my full & honest opinion  
TG: whether thats a good thing or not is irrelevant bc its totally inevitable  
TG: dirk is a stubborn fuck and single minded sort of dude and hes gonna be hung up on english for goddamn ever  
TG: and jake is just... jake  
TG: always has been always will be  
TG: probably just waiting for everything to fall in his lap for him  
TG: or well  
TG: for one certain person to ;)  
TG: man  
TG: i stand by my previous statement dont get me wrong  
TG: youre not human garbage  
TG: but i swear to god  
TG: you fucking suck at bro code  
TG: lmfao  
TG: maybe bc im not a bro  
TG: just a roxy  
TG: and sometimes some peoples mom  
TG: i abide by my own code and my code says i can make lewd jokes abt my friends to fluster my own flesh n blood as much as i want so put that in ur juice and drink it  
TG: damn  
TG: i wish i had juice now  
TG: thanks a lot MOM  
TG: lmfao  
TG: lets make a deal  
TG: i will get u juice if u can get dirk and/or jake to pull their heads out of their asses and just kiss and make up already :]  
TG: in fact if u can do that i will get u ALL the juice  
TG: whoa wow hold up what is this  
TG: someone call up terezi this shit is straight illegal  
TG: bribery of the most heinous and definitely criminal variety  
TG: hello  
TG: rogue here  
TG: crimes are kinda my thing  
TG: true  
TG: hey  
TG: sup  
TG: you told me what dirk thought   
TG: but what did you used to think about kids  
TG: like hypothetically having them around and such  
TG: what theyd be like...  
TG: psh easy  
TG: i thought... youd be perfect!  
TG: the lights of my life  
TG: etc etc  
TG: and like i fuckin said already  
TG: i was a hundred percent absofuckinlutely right in every way  
TG: gross  
TG: u love it  
TG: sap all over me gross roxy sick  
TG: drown in it u fiend  
TG: im already dead  
TG: rip in peace :')  
TG: amen  


*

"Are you going to actually get over here and help with this, or are you just planning on standing there grinning like a fucking idiot at your messaging device while this weird fucking storm sweeps in and ruins all your shit?!" 

Dave lowered his phone, thoughts all skittering around each other in his brain. Karkat was standing nearby glowering at him, hands on his hips, teeth bared, brows pulled down, teetering on the very edge of a full on tantrum. Dave fought the urge to laugh. What a surprise that Jade's bathroom quest had put him in a Mood. 

Instead, he just waved his phone at him. "Oh hey," he said, as casually as he could manage. "You're back! Good. I got a question for you. You'll love it." 

"I fucking doubt it!" 

"How do you tell if someone is in love or not?" 

Karkat opened his mouth, closed it, and his face cycled through about eighteen separate emotions at once. Eventually they settled somewhere between nervous and outraged, and Dave played back what he'd just said and realized with some level of annoyance that Karkat was interpreting it in probably the least charitable way imaginable. He shook his head, pocketed his phone, and pinned Karkat with his best fake-but-just-barely sort of glare. 

"What the fuck, I'm not talking about you," he clarified, crossing his arms. "Or me. Or us. Shit, dude, I really thought you'd like that question. I expected to be shit deep in a scientific lecture about it by now, come on, where's the wisdom at?" Karkat's expression shifted so he was glaring right back, his heavy brows knit together in an outright furrow between his eyes. 

"Are you trying to distract me? Well, asshole, I'll have you know it's not as simple as --" 

A crack of thunder interrupted him, sharp and shockingly loud. Dave's stomach flipped over, Karkat jumped visibly back, chin snapping up toward the sky, and Jane's much bereaved partygoers let out a whole cacophony of varied reactions -- gasps and groans and a few startled shrieks followed up with nervous laughter. The movement of the crowd around them went from unsettled milling to purposeful evacuation as everyone seemed to realize at once that they probably didn't want to stay outside. Karkat shook himself and moved like he was just going to start packing, so Dave grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

"Man," he said, "Who cares about that, listen. I'm talking about --" He stopped, grimacing. "Uh." No good. His brain had applied the emergency brakes and there was nothing he could do about it. He coughed. Karkat shook him off, his glare both deepening and taking on a hilarious perplexed sort of quality, simultaneously.

"What?!" 

Okay. He took a deep breath.

"Jake," Dave said, gesturing up and all around. Karkat looked at him like he'd lost his damn mind, which was probably fair. 

"Jake," Karkat repeated, deadpan into the rising wind. He raised an eyebrow. "Well? What about him? Did someone actually manage to find the slippery fucker?" 

Dave brushed his hair out of his eyes, shifting nervously on his feet. "Okay. Look. Rose says Jake is causing all this because he's upset about something, and I know that you know that we _both_ know what that something or more likely who that someone probably is, and everyone is sick to shit of dancing around their mess, and I don't know how that ended up landing in _my_ lap but you know how Rose is man she starts talking and she has this way of making everything sound and feel like your personal responsibility even when it absolutely, one hundred percent is definitely fucking not --" 

"Okay! Stop! I fucking get it!" Karkat waved his arms at him, and Dave snapped his jaw shut with effort and swallowed the rest. Karkat leaned back on his heels. Dave watched with some relief as his irritation melted and gave way to thoughtful interest, instead. "I won't even ask how Lalonde claims to know that. Some irritating seer bullshit, I assume." 

Dave nodded. Karkat sighed. "Knowing Jake," he went on, "He's probably sabotaging this whole stupid extravagant event on purpose." 

"Man, Jake wouldn't do that, are you crazy?" 

"Okay, not expressly on _purpose_ , maybe. But subconsciously?" Karkat shrugged. "He wasn't even supposed to come! He told me at least a thousand times he wasn't planning to, he didn't want to, and Jane would just have to understand! I have no idea what changed his mind!" 

"I think you probably do," Dave cut him off, hunching his shoulders. A blue-white flash lit the roiling clouds, and a crack of thunder even louder than the first hit them like a physical blow. Dave cringed away from it, and Karkat clapped his hands over his ears, eyes wide.

Better to not have this conversation out here in the open, after all. 

Not long later, they stood near each other under one of the garden canopies, most of Dave's equipment safely captchalogued away -- and just in time, because when the sky finally opened up, it was like standing under a goddamn jungle waterfall. A not insignificant number of well dressed partygoers scuttled around in the deluge, their shrieks of dismay muffled by the downpour. Jane's well manicured garden plots went muddy and treacherous in no time at all, the runoff overwhelming the drains. 

"All right," Karkat conceded, and even he had to put some effort in to be heard over the storm. "This is definitely not natural!" 

"God damn it, Jake," Dave muttered. 

"As for your _question_ ," Karkat said, "in regards to _them_ , can you seriously not tell?" 

Dave frowned. His feet did a totally uncool little uncomfortable shuffle, and he stuck his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground. "Not really? I mean, admittedly, I haven't been trying very hard to pick it all apart." 

"You haven't been curious? Not at all?" 

"I don't know!" Dave heaved this super dramatic sigh, aware that he was kind of being an infant, but not really sure how to knock it off. "Kind of? Not really? It's awkward, all right? I mean, it's John's grandpa and my -- _Dirk_ , and the way _he_ talks about it when he does at all which is pretty much never makes it sound like he sort of deserves whatever this is, even though I fucking know that's probably bullshit because Dirk always makes things sound like that, like everything is so... 

The words sort of dried up right in his mouth, turning into an incomprehensible frustrated garble while he stood there like an idiot, flailing for something coherent to say. 

"That's how Jake talks about it, too," Karkat picked up for him, blessedly. "Like everything was all his fault and he deserves this stupid fucking shit they've been doing around each other for almost an entire goddamn year, now." 

"I figured," Dave muttered.

"They're both full of shit," Karkat went on, venom in his tone. "I mean -- you know what I mean! They're idiots! That island of theirs is like the set of the world's most unrealistic and irritating serial drama, the kind where everything takes ten episodes too long and it's painfully obvious the writers are too busy jerking off with the tears of the most gullible, emotionally compromised portions of their audience to remember stories are supposed to have fucking pacing!" 

Dave bumped him with an elbow, startling him out of his rant, which was good because he'd started to go honest to god glassy eyed. Karkat's shoulders went slack, he bumped him back, and then he cast this funny little furtive look around, making sure no one was watching as he looped his arm around Dave's and yanked him close. Cool, Dave thought, stumbling gratefully into him. Relatable. 

"So, just to clarify," he mumbled, "you do think they... like, love each other, or whatever." 

"Yes, idiot," Karkat growled at him. "And just for the record! I am extremely fucking irritated that we apparently need to help fix this mess for them _now_ all of a sudden when it's never seemed like anyone's fucking priority before _and_ there's a perfectly good dramatic thunderstorm we could be leveraging for moody, passionate makeouts, instead!" 

Dave laughed at him, because nervous laughter was how he always expressed himself when his chest filled up with embarrassing feelings. "Hey, the night is young," he said, blinking innocently. "And I'm the god of time, so if I say we can fit in both, I think that's worth at least considering..." 

"Dave." 

"Right," he said, grinning. He held out his arms. "Shut me up, come on." 

"Like it's difficult," Karkat scoffed, and he was right, technically, but his blush as always belied the gruffness in his tone.


	6. I prefer easy and comfortable, myself.

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 20:15 --  
  
GG: I swear I just heard thunder!  
GG: Are you outside, right now?  
GG: The scene through the windows is looking rather... dire.   
GG: I don't suppose you're available to help me with damage control.   
GG: I do know you're off looking for Jake.   
GG: And I understand that when it comes to all of that messiness, people try to spare my feelings.   
GG: I've been told by several different people, including you, that I should try to be more honest with those.   
GG: Especially when they are negative!  
GG: So this is me attempting to do that, before I march outside and start the process of putting the kibosh on this gala early.   
GG: I am feeling very isolated, right now. And I think part of that is my fault. No one wants to bother the busy hostess!  
GG: But there is something going on involving quite a few of my friends, and it feels like I am literally the only one who doesn't know exactly what it is.   
GG: So, even if this is because people are trying to spare my feelings, I have to wonder, how do you all not understand that being cut out of all your silly drama makes me feel WORSE, not better?   
GG: I feel like I'm not a part of the group anymore, sometimes.   
GG: ohhhhh gosh  
GG: jane im so sorry :(  
GG: I'm probably overreacting, aren't I?  
GG: no no no not at all  
GG: ugh i knew it was stupid to try and tiptoe around you  
GG: everyone is so afraid theyre going to make you mad   
GG: Well, jeez!  
GG: Is that what I am to everyone, now?   
GG: One big temper tantrum waiting to happen?   
GG: i think this situation just got out of control so fast no one knew what to do  
GG: and i really do think everyones heart is in the right place!  
GG: these things keep you busy and youre stressed enough as it is  
GG: I'm never too stressed to help our friends, if they should need it!  
GG: I knoooow but   
GG: argh  
GG: i cant even claim to be any better because i thought and did the same thing :(  
GG: Is there anything I can do to help now?  
GG: gosh i wish i knew  
GG: thats not me trying to be sneaky or trick you or anything either  
GG: i thought i knew what was going on but it turns out even i dont have a good grasp on this situation  
GG: i dont think anyone does at this point  
GG: Can I at least know, finally, what the specifics of this "situation" even are?  
GG: its dirk and jake  
GG: I have gathered at least that much, thank you.   
GG: its not the usual thing  
GG: i dont know if its better or worse  
GG: im worried about jake and hes not answering my messages and i cant find him :/  
GG: What... happened?   
GG: dirk met someone new  
GG: ...What?!  
GG: theyve been together all night and roxy says theyre having a grand time  
GG: Roxy?  
GG: shes been spying on them im pretty sure???  
GG: Oh my gosh.  
GG: No.   
GG: You're telling me that's what she's been doing this whole time?! While she's been ignoring my messages?  
GG: im really sorry :/  
GG: everyones been trying to figure out whats going on but no one wants to actually talk to dirk  
GG: i did try talking to jake at least and i thought it went really well!!!  
GG: but apparently not because instead of doing anything i thought wed decided hed do he ran off somewhere and no one knows where he is!  
GG: i feel awful  
GG: he must have found out about all this  
GG: i wish hed just talk to me!! :|  
GG: Well.   
GG: I think if Dirk has decided to move on, then good for him.   
GG: of course you do  
GG: What is that supposed to mean?  
GG: argh nothing!!!  
GG: i dont even disagree with you!  
GG: not exactly  
GG: sorry that was kind of mean   
GG: its just we all know you and jake have baggage, ok?  
GG: Okay.  
GG: and im sorry that everyone tiptoes around it with you but to be fair whenever we dont it just goes badly!  
GG: you cant demand that everyone include you in jake situations and then get mad at us for yapping at you about situations that involve jake!  
GG: I'm not mad.   
GG: yes you are!  
GG: Fine.   
GG: I'm sorry I asked.   
GG: I --   
GG: oh wow  
GG: Oh no...  
GG: i think the storm is here  
GG: I have to go.   
GG: :/  
GG: i really am sorry  
GG: well talk later, i guess...  


*

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 20:25 --  
  
GG: You know...   
GG: I really wish you were here.   
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum! -- 

*

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 20:27 --  
  
GG: If you're still out there stalking Dirk or whatever you've been up to all this time, consider this your friendly neighborhood conscience advising you to leave him alone, already.  
TG: oh boy here we fuckin go  
GG: Just a thought.   
TG: i aint stalkin anyone for the moment   
TG: everyone cleared right out after the rain started  
TG: for your information im just hanging out feeling like SHIT  
TG: soaked to the bone  
TG: think i stepped in poop at some point  
TG: etc n so on  
GG: Well, that makes two of us.   
GG: Minus the poop, I suppose. So that's nice.   
TG: im not gonna make any excuses  
TG: i made a choice and i stand by it  
TG: im sorry your party ended in a freak storm anyway like that sucks the big one no fuckin doubt but thats better than it ending because you freaked out at jake or dirk or both in a big ugly scene   
GG: Did anything you did even help?  
TG: dunno  
TG: talked to dave some  
TG: talked to rose too  
TG: might be theyll fix it all  
TG: work some magic  
TG: who knows  
TG: all i know is im cold and soaked and tired so if youre gonna let me have it lets get it over with so i can go the fuck to bed  
TG: hopin when i wake up all this will be solved one way or another  
GG: You know, a part of me really, really wants to.   
GG: You really hurt my feelings, today.   
GG: But I think if I tried to explain why right now, I'd just make everything worse.   
TG: :/  
GG: You're free to use one of the guest bedrooms. Good thing I have plenty.   
GG: Good night, Roxy.   
TG: gnight  
TG: i guess  
TG: bleh  


*

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 20:32 --  
  
GG: I hope that wherever you are, it's someplace warm and dry.   
TT: Oh, hey.  
TT: Yeah, I'm fine.   
TT: I hope wherever you are, it's someplace not surrounded by, like, a thousand whiny fancy people, all put out about the weather n' stuff.   
GG: No, everyone has been mostly gracious.   
TT: Mostly? Kinda ominous.   
GG: Not at all. There was a bit of grousing, but that's all right. For the most part, I think everyone had a lovely time.   
GG: So I'm glad for that.   
TT: Cool.   
GG: Did you have a good time? I haven't heard from you at all. Did you know it's considered very rude to attend an event without greeting the hostess, at some point? Especially if you know her personally?   
TT: Uh oh.   
GG: Yes, I'm afraid you've stuck your foot in it again, buster.   
TT: Kinda an unfortunate talent of mine.   
GG: Mm.   
TT: Yeah, I... don't really have an excuse.   
TT: I meant to say hi. I swear I did. But when I got inside and saw you and Jake, I guess I just...   
TT: Didn't want to deal with it?  
GG: ...With what, exactly?   
TT: It's not you. I mean, it's nothing you did, or were doing, or anything like that. It's all Jake.   
GG: What about him?  
TT: I think I just needed a break.   
GG: I see.   
TT: From him, to be clear. Not you.   
GG: Well, that's exciting, isn't it?   
TT: ...Is it?  
GG: Look at you! Broadening your social horizons. Assuming you haven't been hiding behind Dave, all night. Or sulking somewhere alone!   
TT: Oh. Uh, yeah, nope.   
GG: ...   
TT: What's up?  
GG: Why don't you tell me?  
TT: I, uh.   
TT: I'm not sure there's much to tell?  
GG: Really?  
GG: Nothing at all?  
TT: I...   
TT: Can we talk tomorrow?  
TT: I don't know what to say, right now.   
GG: ...Dirk.   
TT: Whatever you've heard, it's probably exaggerated all to hell, and I really just want to have a chance to sort out all my thoughts about it before I go running my stupid mouth and sayin' things I'll just wish I hadn't said. Ok?  
GG: Do you promise we'll talk, tomorrow?  
TT: Yeah.   
GG: Well. All right.   
GG: ...Have you talked to Roxy?  
TT: God, no.   
GG: Is it awful of me if that makes me feel better?  
TT: Roxy is literally the last person I want to talk to about this. It's just not a good idea.   
GG: Yes, but I see you dodging that uncomfortable question, sir.   
TT: I mean, if being petty didn't make us feel better, sometimes, we wouldn't do it.   
GG: Too true.   
GG: Too, too true.   
GG: Well... whatever you're up to, out there, I hope you have a good night. Be a gentleman. And if he hurts your feelings, remember that I can ruin him for you with one offhand comment during my next interview.   
TT: Hah, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.   
GG: You're welcome.   


* 

"Sorry about that," Dirk said, pocketing his phone. Ellius was squinting at him over a wineglass, wearing a faintly amused expression. They were seated on a pair of garden chairs, dragged over under the eaves on the far side of the estate -- well away from any of the windows lit up from within. A constant sheet of water poured off the roof and seemed to separate them entirely from the rest of the world. It was... nice. Peaceful. Easy to forget they were still technically out in pubic, and in some ways, more conspicuous than ever. Most everyone had left for home or retreated indoors. 

"Far be it from me to keep you from answering Ms. Crocker, herself," Ellius said, gracious as ever. "I'm a bit jealous. I've only had the opportunity to exchange pleasantries, myself." 

"Well hey, to be fair, she's a goddamn expert at pleasantries. You couldn't hope for a better partner to exchange 'em with." He winced, internally. He sounded like such a fucking idiot every time he opened his goddamn mouth. 

Ellius laughed, and then chased it down with a slug of wine. His glass was nearly empty. It didn't seem to be affecting him, much. Something they had in common, Dirk supposed, though technically he had it in common with pretty much all trolls. Still. "That she is, and that is true," he conceded. "I shall forever remember the moment fondly. I'll enshrine my recollection of her perfect half wave and polite smile, if you insist." 

"I mean, I could introduce you again." He nearly bit his tongue. That was pretty much inviting the subject of whether they'd meet again, and not just that, but implying that he wanted to do just that. Did he? Did he _really?_

"You could, couldn't you? I keep forgetting just how many powers you actually have!" Ellius grinned. His teeth were all white and even and tapered to needle-sharp points. Dirk remembered Roxy teasing Dave and Rose, once. _How the eff do y'all do the kiss without ruining your damn tongues?_ Rose had just smiled in that all knowing way she had. _Practice,_ she'd said, smugly. _Quite a lot of it, in fact._ Roxy had whistled, Kanaya had blushed, and Dave had loudly declared that the evening was now cursed, thanks a lot. 

Fucking _Christ,_ what was he doing?

He dragged his eyes away from Ellius's fucking _teeth_ and made himself shrug. "Jane would say that the power of networking actually outweighs anything, y'know, magical." 

"So would Forbes," Ellius sighed. "You have to admire their practicality." 

"You've mentioned that name a few times," Dirk said. He'd noted it before, but now it represented something specific: the possibility of an easy out. 

"Ah, have I?" he blinked, and Dirk peered at him suspiciously, but he actually didn't seem to be faking it. He seemed genuinely surprised to be called out on the observation. "Well then! You must be wondering who he is." 

"Kinda, yeah." 

Ellius nodded, drinking down the rest of the wine. "Of course you are. Well then! Let's see. I've known Forbes for... oh, fourteen years, now? We didn't share a clutch or even a cavern, but we met soon after our first molting in primary." 

"School?" 

"Hm? Yes, school." Ellius gave him a funny look. "You never went, did you?" 

"Nah," Dirk settled back, thinking. "Kinda had to teach myself most everything, where I was." 

"That sounds very lonely." 

He couldn't help it; he laughed. "Fuck yeah, it was," he agreed. Ellius set the wine glass down and tilted his head at him, lips turned up just faintly at the corners. 

"It's strange hearing about your history so... personally. There are tales and legends and all, I'm sure you've heard them --" 

"They're pretty embarrassing." 

"Don't worry, I don't intend to regurgitate them now!" Ellius shot him a reproachful look. Dirk shrugged. "That would just be the height of tacky, wouldn't it? No, no. I just mean, it's interesting to think... you're immortal, and you've lived from my perspective some five thousand odd years... but from yours, we're just about the same age. And I have no idea what it was like out there in the midst of paradox space, fighting for the existence of this lovely universe I'm so very lucky to live in, but _you_ \--" he laughed, then, shaking his head in wonder, "You have no idea what it's like to go to school! To grow up with all your friends and clutchmates and a whole bevy of jadebloods to fuss over you." 

"To be fair, I think most humans are missing out on at least a few of those experiences," Dirk said, vaguely embarrassed. He felt... childish, for some reason. Insecure. Well, what the fuck else was new. 

"True," Ellius agreed, and then he eached out and patted Dirk's knee like it was nothing. His fingers were cold, but soft, and the look on his face was kind. "I just think perhaps you deserve more... normal experiences?" 

Dirk felt his face heat up. Was he propositioning him? Or was this just being... nice? Was he turning something kind and sincere into something else? If so, why? Was he worried? Was it wishful thinking? He swallowed, hard. _Just be cool,_ he told himself, fiercely. 

"So," he said, voice a little strained, "You met Forbes in primary school." 

Ellius's fingers slid away. He nodded. "Forbes is a bronzeblood, and we do learn about the troll societies that came before ours." 

"Including one literally called _Beforus,_ I imagine." 

"Hah, of course. Beforus, and Alternia, and Earth -- before _and_ after you brought it back to be our home. It's quite a lot of history! Three entire universes! I'm lucky I found it interesting, or the tests would just have been murder. I have friends who can testify to it." 

"I can't tell if you're purposely changing the subject, or not," Dirk said. Ellius blinked, and he had the grace then to look at least a little sheepish. 

"I'm worried you won't like the fact that, well, yes. We decided to try the old _moirails_ business, Forbes and I. To tell you the truth, I'm still not sure we've got the right of it. I don't feel particularly prone to violent rages, and if I were, Forbes would probably run screaming to find a jadeblood before he tried to pacify me, himself!" Ellius leaned back, crossing his arms. 

"That... uh. I mean, I'm not an expert, but..." 

"No, I know. And we're very close. And moirails, they used to..." he shrugged. "It's all very cerebral. Lots of talking. Not so much touching? Some touching. It's nothing, er, at least not _expressly_ , I mean... sexual?" Ellius winced. "Not that I am suggesting, that you and I should -- or even that this is an appropriate subject, at this point! It's just -- very hard to navigate this sort of thing. How much information is too much? What sort of divulgence does this justify, right now...?" Ellius looked up at him, and his eyes were very wide and very blue. "I'll tell you the truth -- I didn't think it would matter, because I didn't expect to get this far! I mean, you're... _you._ " 

"I... shit," Dirk muttered. 

"See?"

"Yeah." 

"It's very difficult. And awkward! I prefer easy and comfortable, myself." 

God, it was too much. "Yeah. I know someone a little like that," he said, against his better judgement. 

Ellius sucked in a breath. "I imagine we're not talking about Ms. Crocker, anymore." 

"Definitely not." 

They just sat there for a minute, then, avoiding eye contact, the specter of Jake and whoever this Forbes person was hanging over them, heavy as the storm. Lightning flickered now and then, accompanied by rumbles of thunder and the occassional sharp _crack._ The rain, if anything, fell harder. The gardens were starting to flood, little muddy rivers flowing into visibly expanding puddles. Ellius's shoes were suede, Dirk was pretty sure. Kanaya would have fainted on the spot. 

"There are so many rumours," Ellius sighed. "I don't want to be rude." 

"I know," Dirk said, miserably. "I get it." 

"I'm rather kicking myself, now, actually. I wish I'd kissed you _before_ I idiotically brought Forbes up again and touched this whole thing off." 

Dirk shook his head, laughing helplessly. "If you did kiss me, would you be imagining I was this Forbes guy the whole time?" 

"I..." Ellius opened his mouth, and then closed it. His pretty black lips folded into a very thin line. He sighed. "I like to think I wouldn't?" 

"I can promise you, I'd be imagining you were Jake. Maybe not at first, but, like. Five seconds in? You bet." He ran his fingers through his hair and slouched back into the chair. He stared up at the damp underside of the wooden overhang, eyes tracing the knots in the wood. "But I had fun, tonight," he said, lamely. "Thanks." 

"Well, so did I!" Ellius kicked his ankle with one ruined suede shoe, sounding, strangely, not at all upset. "So thank you for that, too." 

Lightning flashed. Thunder rolled. The rain was so loud that Dirk didn't hear his phone go off, but he did feel it, kicking up a ruckus in his pocket. He made a face. 

"You're welcome," he said. "One sec." He fished it out.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 20:55 --  
  
TG: so how goes the hot date  
TT: Oh, god.   
TG: yeah man everyone knows  
TT: It's not like that.   
TG: are you sure  
TT: It's not a date!  


"Oh no. Is everything all right?" 

Dirk froze, realized he was pretty much grimacing at his phone, and made a concentrated effort to smooth his features, thoughts racing. _Everyone knows._ Literally everyone? Literally everyone, including Jake? Jesus fuck, he was so _stupid._ He should have put this together the second Jane had let on, but -- fuck. Honestly. If he thought about it, it was more than a little suspicious that his phone hadn't been blowing up since the exact goddamn millisecond he'd let this charming troll dude walk him out of the garden. 

Fuck. 

He looked over at him. Ellius. Big, blue achingly concerned eyes stared back. 

"I'm not sure," Dirk replied, and Ellius nodded like it was no big deal. 

"I imagine that when you're a god," he said, half-teasing, "The scale of your problems tends to upsize to compensate."

"You could say that."

"Isn't that how it always is?" Ellius waved at him, brows raised. "Go on, do what you must." He leaned back, crossing his legs over one another, looking, if anything, sort of amused.

TG: right  
TG: how about this rain huh  
TG: hope it hasnt put too much of a damper on things  
TG: tbh i dont mind it  
TG: karkat likes the rain he says it was mostly too acidic to go out in on his shitty hell planet   
TG: makes him amorous as fuck tbh i dont suppose all trolls are like that  
TG: btw if you do go in for makeouts fair warning troll tongues are fucking weird at first  
TT: God damn it, I'm not going to make out with him! And the rain hasn't done anything except probably upset Jane. Look. I'm probably just going to tell him that I've got to deal with that, and like, wave goodbye like a fucking inarticulate douche and then never see him again. All right?   
TT: That's it.   
TG: pretty fucking lukewarm ending to your date man  
TG: lame  
TT: It was seriously nothing. I knocked the dude over and felt bad about it, so we hung out for a bit.   
TG: yeah i mean  
TG: shit whats a little groping between friends am i right  
TT: There wasn't any groping!  
TT: Were you watching us?   
TG: not me  
TT: ...Who?   
TG: it doesnt matter the point is you were lookin hella into each other for awhile there  
TT: I'm going to guess it was either Rose or Roxy. I guess you're right that it doesn't especially matter which.   
TG: how was it then  
TT: I mean, is that any of your business?   
TG: not really  
TT: Because... oh.  
TT: Uh, yeah. Exactly. So can you stop like, putting me on trial, or whatever this is?   
TG: maybe its just me being curious  
TT: You... really?  
TG: why not  
TG: i mean lets be honest finding out you liked guys was half of what gave me the courage to tell everyone i did too   
TG: i dont know if i ever told you that BUT to be fair i thought it was pretty fucking implied  
TT: I... wondered about it. I thought I was being a little arrogant, thinking I had anything to do with it.  
TG: yeah that sure sounds like something youd worry about  
TT: I really did.   
TG: that wasnt sarcastic  
TT: Oh.   
TT: Sorry, I'm kind of thrown off by all this.  
TG: hmm yeah  
TG: same  
TT: You've never asked about anything before. Since that first time, and that was a more... generally speaking sorta thing.  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: theres reasons for that  
TG: first off i got the sense it was a hella sore subject and you didnt want to talk about it especially not with someone you barely knew   
TT: That's fair.  
TG: second i  
TG: wait  
TG: im ruining your date arent i  
TT: No.   
TG: i totally am   
TG: youre still with him right  
TG: i hope i didnt interrupt anything too saucy  
TT: God damn it, Dave, no. You're not interrupting. Say whatever you want to say.   
TG: nah hey you know what i think ive said enough  
TG: sorry  
TT: I'm not upset at you.  
TG: ok  
TT: I genuinely want to hear it.   
TG: ...   
TT: Ok, you don't have to.   
TG: ...   
TT: You can go. It's cool.  
TG: ...i wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it at first even if i WAS curious   
TG: because you were still more of an idea in my mind than an actual person i could, like, know and understand  
TG: and mixing that theoretical idea of what you would be with romantic type inquiries was way too fucking weird i couldnt do it  
TG: and by the time the actual you started to actually be more real to me than the you id conjured up and been afraid of for years it felt like it was too late to suddenly pop off with shit like hey so about you and jake  
TG: also weve all been really busy doing rad famous immortal creator stuff   
TG: etc etc  
TT: Ok, I think I get it.   
TT: So, you aren't going to run back to Rose or Roxy with whatever I might say right now, then.   
TG: uh  
TT: If you still even want to hear it, that is.   
TG: its not that im going to go report back like some obedient spy hireling or some shit  
TG: its just   
TG: theyre going to want to know and im pretty easy to trick into talking too much   
TT: Ah. Yeah, I see the problem.  
TG: fuckin lalondes  
TT: Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. And other ancient pithy phrases.   
TG: yeah pretty much  
TT: Honestly, I've been wondering why I hadn't heard from anyone yet. I realized on some level that people had to be talking.   
TT: I guess I was kind of hoping I'd hear from Jake.   
TG: are you trying to make him jealous  
TT: I don't know.   
TT: I don't think I thought about that consciously when I first agreed to all this. I really don't. I was honestly pretty fuckin' mad at him when that happened.   
TG: mad about what  
TT: Mad about some stupid shit that I don't even like, Jesus, I can't even remember why it pissed me off so bad. He was in there with Jane playing the charming eccentric, exactly the way Jane needs him to, and usually I play the bad guy and come in and make up some excuse to get him out before he runs out of gas.   
TT: And, I guess at the time, I just resented it?   
TT: God, I've been such an asshole basically all night.   
TG: i dont think you were wrong to be upset  
TT: You don't?   
TG: no  
TG: jake just kinda puts people in positions where theyre primed to feel like assholes if they dont do exactly what he thinks theyll do  
TG: its like the kind of shit rose thinks shes good at but actually shes transparent af  
TG: jokes on her im just easy to manipulate  
TG: jake pretends to be all innocent with the aw shucks kid grandpa buffoonery bullshit but hes actually pretty fucking smart  
TG: kinda the opposite of you really  
TT: Ouch.   
TG: yeah that was some rose tier burnage better get some ice  
TG: so i guess if youre over that now its no ones business but yours and god knows youre allowed to be?  
TG: but judging by how you were just sayin you were hoping hed notice you palling around with another dude and blow up your phone about it im guessing thats not exactly the case  
TT: Yeah.   
TT: You'd be right about that.   
TG: still got it bad for teen grandpa huh  
TT: I... yeah.   
TT: I know from your perspective it might seem weird,   
TT: But Jake is important to me in a way I'm not even sure I can fully explain?   
TT: It's not just the history, although that's part of it. It's that, when I think about being with anyone else, it just feels ludicrous, almost. Like, the idea of putting anyone "ahead" of him, in regards to things like, I don't know,   
TT: Even without the romantic parts, just the living together and building a life, I guess? Sharing the day to day shit?   
TT: I'm sorry, this probably doesn't make any sense. My point is that even if he only wants to be my best friend, from my perspective, that friendship is more important to me than any other friendship or potential romantic interest ever could be.  
TT: So, it probably wouldn't be fair to actually pursue some other romantic interest, if I'm even capable of that, because they'd always just be second priority at best.  
TT: Uh, and obviously, you and Rose and Roxy are important to me, too. Just, like, in a different way with different expectations attached, and, uh... yeah.   
TG: yeah dirk im aware that romantic feelings are different from family feelings holy shit  
TT: Right. Yeah.  
TG: can i just show all that shit you just said to jake  
TT: Holy shit fuck no, are you joking?   
TG: why not  
TT: Dave.   
TG: it might solve a few problems youve been having  
TT: Or it might scare him off for good!  
TT: Look, please don't.   
TT: You have no idea how worried I was, back when all that shit was going down, that the problems we'd already had had made it impossible for us to be friends, again. I couldn't even imagine that. So when he invited me to stay with him out there, after all, I promised myself I'd never do anything to put that second chance in danger again, if I could help it.   
TT: Which, I know everything I've done tonight has kind of flown in the face of that, but for what it's worth, I am regretting it more and more every goddamn second.   
TT: You said everyone knew what was going on.   
TG: i dont know for sure if jake knows  
TT: You don't?  
TG: i dont even know where jake is, man  
TG: from what i know it doesnt sound very good but that could just be jake being jake  
TT: What do you mean?   


Across from him, Ellius cleared his throat. Dirk looked up. 

"Not to interrupt what appears to be a very taxing conversation, there, but... someone is coming?" 

"Someone?" Dirk followed the line of his gaze, trying to watch that and his phone simultaneously.

TG: lets see  
TG: i know he left jane hanging in the parlor   
TG: told her he was sick  
TG: locked himself in the bathroom for awhile  
TG: snuck out possibly through a window??? at some point  
TG: and from there no ones seen him   
TG: jade thinks he went home   
TG: karkat thinks hes still around somewhere  
TG: hes been messaging him nonstop but jake blocked him while he was still in the bathroom so hes basically expending all his energy yelling at fucking nothing lmao  
TG: its the most karkat shit ive ever seen  
TG: anyway  
TG: they know him way better than i do so take your pick i guess youve got even odds  
TT: I don't think he went home.   
TG: lmao jade is gonna be so pissed if karkat is right and shes wrong   
TT: Hey, can I get back to you a little later?   
TG: oh yeah sure  
TG: is everything ok  
TT: I think we found Jake.   
TG: oh shit  
TG: are we all about to drown  
TG: dirk  
TG: dirk  
TG: dirk are we all gonna die  
TG: oh shit dirk is your fuckin date still there  
TG: holy shit where is this going down  


He dropped the phone on the table and stood, peering through the rain.


	7. You went and decided that all on your own, did you?

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU] at 20:59 --  
  
TG: hey...... so  
TG: you know i hate to impose n all   
TG: and theres probably hells of a lot more exciting and interesting things goin on than my existential angst or w/e  
TG: but i have a weird and possibly awkward question   
UU: roxy?  
UU: yoU know i coUld never find yoUr company an imposition!  
UU: and i don't mind qUestions, weird or Uncomfortable thoUgh they may be. do yoUr worst!  
TG: alright then  
TG: how about this  
TG: am i a good friend?  
UU: what? of coUrse yoU are!  
UU: whyever woUld yoU feel the need to ask that?   
TG: eh  
TG: heh  
TG: i knew youd say something like that and i thought itd make me feel better but...   
TG: blahhhhhhh sry  
TG: nm   
UU: u_u?  
TG: honestly u should probably ignore my dumb ass for now im feeling super shitty and super fuckin DUPER dramatic so its probably just gonna get worse from here  
UU: oh no.   
UU: i'm not sUre what else to say! can yoU at least tell me what's the matter?  
TG: if u insist  
TG: but the block button is right there im just saying  
UU: i am not going to block yoU, roxy, good gracioUs!   
UU: i woUld never!  
TG: mistake  
TG: but yeah lets see  
TG: uhhhhh  
TG: i feel like i might have fucked something up bad with jane today  
TG: which isnt a first mind you which doesnt exactly make me feel better about the whole thing its like cool how many times can you fuck this up without just facing the facts??  
TG: whatever the INTENTIONS were the execution was shit and thats my fault  
TG: its like you know i love jane to fuckin death right like literally i would die for her  
UU: of coUrse.   
TG: but i also love dirk and i mean in a purely platonic sense im over all that romantic crap w/him   
UU: yes...  
TG: and i ALSO love jake even though hes a total fucking doofus half the time and i never rly know how to deal w him anymore  
UU: yes, he can be a bit of a tricky cUstomer. :u  
TG: yeah that  
TG: and dirk can be an idiot  
TG: and jane can be mean   
TG: and *i* can be a sneaky dishonest and way too overbearing not to mention nosy piece of shit who acts first and thinks second  
UU: i think yoU may be being a little harsh on yoUrself, bUt... i get the sense yoU aren't finished, jUst yet.  
TG: no i just am wondering  
TG: how do i deal with all three of them simultaneously without someone feeling put out about something i did in relation to one of the other two???  
TG: like it doesnt matter what you do youre fucking trapped  
TG: to keep jane happy you gotta agree that jake should change basically everything about himself and run a company and be her bpf (business partner for-fuckin-forever!!!!) and nod sympathetically when she wonders aloud when dirk is gonna move on already and bite your tongue until it bleeds over basically every interaction she has with either of them  
TG: and to keep dirk happy you have to pretend his sad puppy act isnt blatantly obvious and never mention it where he can hear about it first or second or fucking thirdhand from any one of our gossiping friends and family who im not judging at all because i also love gossip and not get too hands on with his life or else he wigs out and brings up shit that happened years ago that i definitely deserve to have brought up but hate having brought up anyway  
TG: and to keep jake happy you have to pretend even MORE that everything is HUNKY FUCKIN DORY and absolutely nothin awkward or weird is happenin at all when were all in the same fuckin room and now that the game is over and the universe is saved were all living happily ever after even though none of those fucks are ACTUALLY happy and callie heres the goddamn truth:  
TG: i dont know what to fucking do!  
TG: and i feel like if i were a good friend  
TG: i could figure it out  
TG: at least a little bit  
TG: but i keep thinking over all the shit i did tonight and holy shit callie it is not fucking good  
TG: like check it out  
TG: i  
TG: - spied on dirk bc i wanted to know everything about his situation before i talked with him about it like a human being bc i knew hed brush me off if i tried that bc he doesnt like me meddling in his romantic affairs and i refused to accept that bc i *wanted* to know  
TG: - lied to jane and left her hanging so i could do all of the above bc i just could not give her any kinda benefit of the doubt and assumed shed just fly off the handle and complicate everything and prevent me from figuring out the shit i wanted to figure out  
TG: - didnt even bother to try and deal with jake because i thought about it and just got EXHAUSTED lmao i might be garbage?  
TG: like wow holy shit could i have been any worse?  
TG: i think not  
TG: i dont even know what im going to say to any of them in the morning  
TG: and the best part is  
TG: theyre probably dealing with some hella crazy drama amongst themselves rn and im STILL just sitting here thinking oh wah wah jane yelled @ me better make this all about my own feelings bc theyre SHIT :/  
TG: and so on i mean damn look at this then i drag you into it too  
TG: u see my point???   
UU: good heavens.   
UU: are yoU qUite finished?   
TG: ...yeah all done  
UU: very well.   
UU: first i want to say, UneqUivocally, yoU are indeed a very good friend, roxy!  
UU: it is totally Unrealistic to expect yoUrself to have an infallible solUtion to every issUe that crosses yoUr path, and holding yoUrself to that standard is Utterly Unreasonable!  
UU: yoU aren't any less valUable to all of Us becaUse yoU can't take a sitUation that has been knotting itself Up into a gargantUan tangle for an entire year and solve it with a snap of yoUr pretty little fingers!  
TG: yeah but its not just that i couldnt solve it!  
TG: i think i actively made it all worse!  
TG: and most of what i did was totally self fuckin motivated besides  
UU: yoU already said it yoUrself.   
UU: jane, dirk and jake have all been varying levels of Unreasonable when it comes to honest inqUiries into their lives or even their general well-being.   
UU: they have all been, on some level, lying to themselves, to each other, and to Us aboUt so many things that a certain level of dUplicitoUsness almost seems necessary to prevent this ridicUloUs stalemate from stretching into eternity!  
UU: yoUr motives may not have been strictly pUre, bUt yoUr intent was to attempt to help smooth over the sitUation, once yoU knew what that sitUation actUally was, correct?  
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah but  
UU: no bUts aboUt it!  
TG: no callie i mean like im not gonna lie  
TG: having you sit here makin excuses for me feels nice and its good to know im not the only one thats been thinking some of this shit?  
TG: but theyre still excuses  
TG: which like fuck what else are you supposed to do when i come crawlin in here all cryin oh no everyones mad at poor roxy  
TG: half of em dont even know they should be mad yet  
UU: bUt of coUrse, they eventUally will.   
TG: yeah... probs sooner than later  
TG: dirk especially  
TG: fuck what am i gonna do about dirk i fuckin HATE it when that asshole is mad at me  
TG: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck callie everything is so fucked up  
TG: i wanted to sleep it off but i cant my brain is all frenzied up  
UU: yoU're worried.   
TG: yeah  
UU: becaUse yoU care.   
TG: ok  
TG: i see where youre going with this and like yeah i care! i care about all of them a whole fuckin lot  
TG: but i also specifically care about their opinion of me  
TG: which isnt the same thing  
UU: bUt it doesn't make the first part any less trUe!  
UU: of coUrse yoU care aboUt their opinion of yoU!  
UU: they're yoUr friends!  
UU: yoU framing yoUr concern over their good opinion as selfishness is jUst yoU pUnishing yoUrself pointlessly becaUse wallowing in your gUilt is easier than separating oUt the things yoU actUally shoUld apologize for, and dealing with that constrUctively!  
TG: ...  
UU: and i know that may be difficUlt to hear, bUt i absolUtely cannot take another moment of yoU dragging yoUrself over the proverbial coals. u_u  
UU: yoU are a wonderfUl person.   
UU: and i know that from me, that may not seem convincing, becaUse to be honest, i absolUtely cherish everyone i have met and had the pleasUre of getting to know over the past year. it has been, by far, the best time of my life thUs far, even with all the awkwardness yoU have correctly pointed oUt. bUt please believe me when i say, roxy, of all the people here that i admire and adore, i love yoU the most!  
TG: ......  
UU: and that simply woUld not be the case if yoU were in any way whatsoever a "bad friend."   
UU: bad friends, bad people... it's not that they hUrt people. it's that they don't care who they hUrt! it never crosses their mind that they even shoUld. the anger and frUstration others feel toward them... they never accept responsibility for it! everyone else's problem mUst be of their own doing, becaUse of their own weaknesses or flaws or peUrile misUnderstandings. personal responsibility is completely oUt of the qUestion, and what's worse is that even if they do manage to recognize on some microscopic level that they shoUldn't have done things they did, they find ways to twist it aroUnd... it's awfUl!  
TG: callie geez  
TG: hold on  
UU: and never once, roxy, have yoU made me, or jane, or dirk or jake, feel anything like that.   
UU: yoU can be pUshy, and sometimes i will admit i have been frUstrated with yoU.   
TG: oh no  
UU: bUt we have always talked throUgh oUr feelings amicably, and i always feel better after having done so. and yoU have been kind and considerate and Understanding in ways that i didn't know anyone even coUld be far more often than yoU have ever been frUstrating!  
TG: omg  
TG: callie stop im dyin  
UU: yoU have never made me feel stUpid, or inferior, or irrational.   
TG: of fuckin course not callie holy shit  
UU: yoU have never even once intentionally tried to Upset me!  
TG: i swear to fuck  
TG: one day im gonna find that brother of yours and im gonna kick his fucking ASS   
TG: im gonna beat him down so hard he wont even remember the time john did it first  
TG: he wont even remember john existed when im done with him  
UU: hah.   
UU: perhaps yoU will.   
TG: i definitely am gonna  
UU: and this is why yoU are, Ultimately, the best friend i coUld ever ask for.   
TG: god  
TG: any one of us would say and definitely do the same  
UU: maybe so. bUt i trUst yoU when yoU say it most.   
TG: hey can i say something real quick  
UU: yes? :u?  
TG: i feel like the moment for it passed while i was blind with anger for a second there but i really gotta let it fly here   
UU: :u??   
TG: i love you too  
TG: dont you ever fuckin doubt it  
UU: i never woUld.   
TG: good  
TG: great  
TG: ... uhh  
UU: ...yes?   
TG: i guess  
TG: if youre willin to help  
TG: ive got some separatin out to do  
TG: of things i should be apologizin for and whatnot  
UU: oh yes.   
UU: we can go over that later tonight.   
TG: oh  
TG: are you busy rn  
UU: i think we are both about to become very bUsy, in fact.   
UU: yoU see, i am looking oUt the window of the lovely little room jane was so kind to set me Up with, becaUse she knows i still sometimes get overwhelmed in these very large crowds.  
TG: uh huh  
UU: and jUst when the rain began, i sat here on the window sill and watched everyone rUsh indoors. it was qUite a sight!   
TG: lol  
TG: you are such a serial people watcher :')  
UU: this is trUe.  
UU: and as i was watching the people, as i do, i coUldnt help but notice dirk and his beaUtifUl new friend slip off away from the general clamoUr.   
TG: omg lol  
TG: beautiful huh ;)  
UU: oh yes. yoU've seen him, haven't yoU?   
TG: omgggg yes callie ive seen him lmfao   
UU: then what is so fUnny!  
TG: nothin pls continue im dying  
UU: ...oh fine. bUt only becaUse time is rUnning short.  
TG: ???   
UU: dirk and elliUs remained oUtside, and i have been keeping an eye on them from here.   
TG: wait  
TG: u can see them? right now?  
UU: oh yes. i figUred that eventUally, jake woUld find them, too.   
UU: and when that happened i thoUght i should tell yoU, since i certainly woUldn't know what exactly to do, and as yoU have already noted, jane is... difficUlt, when it comes to jake.   
UU: bUt i know that jake's feelings are likely to be hUrt, and the sitUation might get messy and Unpleasant fast.  
UU: jUst jUdging from the intensity of the storm...   
TG: wait wait wait hold the f up callie hold on!  
TG: so when you said time was running short...........??????  
UU: he's found them.   
UU: and, as expected, he does not look very happy. u_u  


*

The grass squelched unpleasantly under his feet, and faintly, in the back of his mind, he could see Jane's face screwing up into a disapproving grimace. Don't walk on the grass, that's what the pathways are for. Don't step in the mud, you'll track it all in. Don't do this, don't do that, blah blah blah, who could keep track of it all? He stomped extra hard on his next step, splashing muddy water all over the place, and beside him his new troll confidante made a low despairing sort of sound, shrinking a little further back behind him. Well, it was his fault they were walking in the first place. He would have preferred to fly the whole way here, thank you very much, but trolls couldn't fly and the poor chap had balked mightily when Jake had implied he could carry him down from the atrium easily enough. So be it. 

"Maybe we should go over this again," Forbes said, barely audible over the rain. Jake snorted, pausing just for a second to let him catch up. Dirk was right there, sitting across from his _date_ , the both of them smears of unmistakable color through the constant film of running water. The troll -- Ellius -- reached across their intimate little garden table setup, and Dirk sat up straight like he'd seen them. Good. He was supposed to see them. That was part of the plan. 

"No time for that," Jake said, eyes narrowed and locked on the scene ahead. Thunder crashed overhead. Forbes cringed back. Jake barely noticed it. "If you've forgotten any of the particulars, I'm afraid you'll just have to wing it." 

"But, I --" 

"No dawdling, now, let's get on with it!" They could go around and around about it all night if he let them. He held it his arm out authoritatively. Forbes took it -- hesitantly, but he took it, and that's what mattered. Jake pulled him up even with him, Forbes stumbled against him, and that's how they made their approach. "Just act natural," Jake said, with a cheer he absolutely did not feel. "It'll be fine. I believe in you." 

"Well," he distinctly heard Forbes mutter, "I'm very glad someone does, because --" 

And then Dirk was getting to his feet and he wasn't paying any attention to the troll on his arm at all. 

"Jake?" he called out across the way, and he sounded... nervous. A thousand thoughts went through his brain in the space of a second: _why nervous what is there to be nervous about is there something you want to tell me do you like him do you like ME i thought we had an understanding i thought you knew that i knew that we BOTH knew_

And so on. 

He waved with his free hand, a big fake plastic smile on his face, water dripping off his chin and his hair and his glasses and the end of his nose, he was soaked. "Hullo, there, Dirk! Fancy meeting you here like this! I don't know if you noticed, but just about everyone's gone inside to get out of this mess!" he gestured around, vacantly, like it wasn't bloody obvious that nature was tearing a strip off Jane's whole fancy estate, just then. 

"Uh... yeah," Dirk said, eloquent as ever, and next to him his troll friend cleared his throat, delicate as any of Jane's fancy business folks. Jake squinted at him through the rain. This close, it was easy to see how handsome he was, which was simultaneously expected and utterly _not._ How dare he be at all good looking, really? Who the hell did he think he was? 

"Mr. English," he said, in a voice that was smooth and soft and still somehow carried over the storm. "And... is that you, Forbes? Good grief! You look like a drowned rat!" 

Jake laughed. He was aware, faintly, that it sounded fake and forced and a little bit unhinged, but it was just that sort of night and these blokes would have to deal with it. He felt all three pairs of eyes land on him at once. He straightened his shoulders and pulled Forbes a bit closer, and nodded like they were all sharing some grand secret in-joke. "A drowned rat, really? Are you sure you're a troll? I'm almost certain Karkat would have called it some oddball thing like a tailbeast or squeakbeast or a fucking cheese mongrel or whatever, that's mighty inauthentic! Careful, Dirk, he might just be two ugly humans in a fancy overcoat and one of Callie's pretty cosplay getups." 

"Christ," Dirk said, running his hand over his face the way he did when he was absolutely mortified. "They're from Earth, Jake, calm down." 

"Calm down!" Jake repeated, voice a little high. "Now, what could you possibly mean by that? I'm perfectly calm! I am the absolute pinnacle of zen at the moment, Dirk, why don't _you_ calm down?" 

"Okay," Dirk said, and Jake wished the rain would fucking _stop_ for five seconds so he just clearly see his goddamn _face._

"I'm afraid there may have been a misunderstanding," Dirk's friend -- _Forbes's_ friend -- interjected into the subsequent silence, just before it could become truly excruciating. "Dirk and I were just chatting, you see. Neither of us particularly felt suited to navigating the crowd that must be gathered indoors, and, well -- the rain is certainly something, but we're comfortable enough?" 

"Yes!" Jake agreed. "Comfortable! Don't they look so very comfortable, Forbes?" 

"I," Forbes offered, unhelpfully. Jake nudged him with his elbow. "That is. We..." 

"Forbes?" Ellius tilted his head. "Are you quite all right?" 

"I wondered where you'd gone," Forbes said, and Jake fought the urge to sarcastically applaud him. A whole sentence! Bravo. "You wandered off to find the drinks, and I thought for certain you'd be back right away, but... and then after a little while I thought I should look for you, though I wondered if I'd come off like, well, like some sort of nervous nanny, I suppose, but I was genuinely rather worried..." 

Ellius, at least, had the grace to look a little guilty. That was satisfying. And worrying. What did he have to look so guilty about? What exactly was going on here? What had they been doing? Had they really just been _chatting?_

Jake found himself highly doubting it. "And then he noticed you'd found yourself a friend!" he interjected. It took all his willpower to keep from glaring. "Mystery solved, isn't that right?" 

"Well, yes, but --" 

"And having solved it and _not_ wanting to be a bother, Forbes here wandered on up to the atrium, where he just happened to run into me! Isn't that a funny coincidence?" 

"You were in the atrium?" 

"Yes, Dirk, the atrium, didn't I just say so?" 

"Why the fuck were you in the _atrium?_ " 

"And since we happened to be alone together, we got to talking a bit, really exchanging all sorts of fascinating information, and wouldn't you know it? The two of us just happened to hit it off! Rather like the two of you, or so it seems to me." 

"Well!" Ellius said, folding his hands over themselves on the table, prim as you please. Jake ground his teeth. "Isn't that nice." 

Forbes made an utterly indecipherable sound, more like a particularly vocal exhalation. Dirk said nothing at all. He didn't even so much as move. Jake lifted his chin. 

"Yes!" he said, vehemently. His eyes never left Dirk. "Isn't that _nice_ , Dirk?"

"It's, maybe not quite as," Forbes started babbling, so Jake elbowed him again to shut him up and took a step forward. 

"Dirk? Isn't that --" 

"Okay, I _get it_ ," Dirk cut him off, and he sounded so -- _angry_ \-- it actually shocked him silent. He snapped his mouth shut mid-sentence, his heart leaping wildly into his throat. Oh god. He hadn't heard Dirk sound like _that_ since, well, since... "I fucking get it, Jake, we both get it. Can you please let him go, he barely has anything to do with this." 

Jake let him go. Forbes took a step forward, shaking his arm out. He'd been holding on pretty tight, tighter than he realized. He swallowed, heavily. "God, I'm so sorry," Forbes said, like he had anything to apologize for, and the worst thing was, he did genuinely sound it. "I thought I could do it, I really did, but I -- can't, I just can't." 

"Forbes," Ellius said, in that same gentle, soothing voice. Jake _hated_ it. 

And Forbes just... went to him, just like that. Like it was that easy. Jake hated that too. Ellius stood -- he was _tall_ \-- and held out his hand, and Forbes skittered under the overhang and out of the rain and took it, and Ellius looked at him like he was the only person in the whole world. Karkat would have loved it. His lips moved and Jake couldn't heard what he said, but whatever it was, Forbes just nodded like everything made sense again and it wasn't _fair._ It wasn't fair that it was so goddamn easy for everyone else! Forbes pressed his forehead against Ellius's shoulder and Ellius put a gentle arm around him and wasn't he angry? Wasn't anyone else here _upset?_

"Was this your idea?" Dirk snapped at him, dragging his thoughts back where they belonged. Jake forced his eyes off of the trolls, with effort, and almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. Oh, yes. Someone here was definitely upset. Well. That was what he'd wanted, wasn't it? It had all made a lot more sense, back fifteen minutes ago when he'd been so righteously angry, too. 

Now he just sort of felt like he might cry. Damn good thing it was raining so hard. 

"Yes," he mumbled, dropping his eyes to the floor. Soggy. Eugh. Jane was going to be furious. 

" _Why?_ " 

"Well, fuck, Dirk, I don't know! What was I supposed to do!" He snapped his chin up, gesturing wildly. His brain felt full of static electricity. "I thought after our talk today that maybe this whole shindig might be all right as long as you'd be here to suffer through the worst of it with me, only to have you show up and then disappear again without a single word to me at all! And I thought, shit, what did I do this time -- Dirk, do you have any idea how exhausting it is to know that I've cocked something all up again and that's it? I _still_ don't know what it was! I spent a whole frigging long time running it all through the old noggin over and over and _over_ and I've still got not a single clue what it was that set you off this time --" 

"-- Nothing _set me off!_ And what's that supposed to mean, _this time?_ Look, I went in, I saw you and Jane having a grand old fucking time, so I peaced the hell out instead of breaking up the party like a needy asshole, as usual --" 

"While just _happening_ to look like you'd sucked through a bushel of underripe lemons, first, I believe that!" 

"I can't always be your fucking, what, get out of social engagement free card? Do you have any idea how upset Jane gets with me when I pull that shit for you?" 

"Oh, really, Dirk? Really? Cry me a river! _Jane_ , Dirk, _really?_ Do _you_ have any idea how upset Jane gets with me when I so much as take an errant, unauthorized breath in her general vicinity?" 

"If you don't want to do this, then stop fucking telling her you'll do it! Holy shit, what a concept!" 

"Like it's that easy!" Jake snapped his fingers. They felt strangely numb. "Just like that! Sorry, Janey girl, I'm afraid I've resigned myself to your hating my fucking guts forever, so maybe just delete my number because we both know whatever this is it's a full on blazing _disaster_ and pretending it's anything but is only making us both resent each other right to hell and back! Guess the whole barmy thing's just done with now, clearly _Dirk_ doesn't have any problems moving on from awkward social situations, he must know best!" 

"I am not saying _any_ of that." 

"You might as well be!" 

"I am just saying, maybe if you were honest --" 

"Christ's sake," Jake held up his hands, breathing hard. "I did not come here to fight about _Jane._ I came here to fight about _us!_ To fight about _this!_ What is this, Dirk? Tell me that. Tell me about _him._ " He gestured toward Ellius, and by extension, Forbes. Ellius was looking at him with a completely unreadable expression, and he had one hand in Forbes's hair, soothing him. God damn it. 

The space between the question and Dirk's answer became noticeable, and then uncomfortable. The pounding rain filled the silence.

"It's nothing," Dirk said, finally. "This is Ellius, but if you've met Forbes, you probably know that, right? We hung out. We were actually having a pretty good time, before you dragged his friend over here to prove some kind of convoluted point -- which you still haven't bothered to elaborate on, by the way." 

"Oh, were you? Were you, really? Well, that's great. That's just fantastic. Lovely. Maybe I should just leave you to it, then, if you were having such a pretty good time and all." 

"Jake," Dirk said, and there was a new quality in his voice, now, less anger and more like -- _pleading_ , and -- 

Holy shit, he was just completely off the goddamn rails, wasn't he? He held up his hands, again. 

"No," he said, shaking his head. "No, I don't think so. I'm not going to be lectured about honesty while you stand there and tell me all of this with _him_ tonight was just nothing, because I could see the two of you from the atrium and what I saw was most definitely not _nothing._ So -- so take your hypocritical advice and stuff it, Dirk, how about that?!" 

"You know," Dirk said, "Fine. You know what? You're right. I'm lying, you fucking got me, congratulations. It _wasn't_ nothing. Happy now?" 

Jake took a step back. It was what he'd came down here to hear, and he hadn't been prepared for it at all. It hit him like a sucker punch to the gut, stealing all the air out of his lungs. 

"It was nice spending some time with someone who, I guess, actually seemed to know what the fuck he actually wanted from me? Shit, I had no idea that was even possible, right? You know what I mean? Shit, man, it was really fucking nice. Can't say I didn't enjoy that feeling, hey, you fucking caught me. Red fucking handed, what a scandal." 

He paused, like he was expecting Jake to say something to that. Laughable, really. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't even breathe. 

But this, of course, only seemed to make Dirk even angrier, as usual. 

"Look," he went on, his tone flat and cold, the way he always sounded when he was furious and trying to pretend he wasn't. "What do you want me to say? Do you want details? Do you want to hear all the corny fucking jokes I've made tonight, while I've been enjoying this feeling of knowing exactly where I stand with someone? Do you want a recap of all the anecdotes, Jake? Or maybe you just want me to reassure you that no matter how fucking nice it was, don't worry, I'll be waiting here for fucking ever while Jake English tries to decide if I'm really worth his time, because hell, god knows he can do better holding out for someone more his style --" 

"No," Jake said, then, shaking his head violently, water spraying everywhere. "No, I can't, and you know I can't, and it's _awful_ presumptuous of you to say _you_ were the one waiting when you were the one who said it in the first place, that we couldn't -- that I wasn't -- that _you_ weren't--? Just who the _fuck_ was waiting for who? Who decided that? You went and decided that all on your own, did you?" 

"I..." Dirk gaped at him, like he'd never seen him before. " _What?_ " 

"Well, look at that!" Jake directed this at the two trolls, who were standing frozen like statues, like if they held still enough everyone would forget they were there. Jake nodded at them like they were sharing some grand fucking secret between them. "Dirk Strider doesn't fucking know everything, after all. What a world!" He kicked off the ground, hovering in the air, and they just stared at him with their wide, bright pretty troll eyes and said nothing at all. 

Fair enough. 

"Jake -- hold on, what the _fuck_ are you talking about?" 

But the thing was, he thought he'd said enough. And he'd certainly _had_ enough. He couldn't stand it for even one more second, Dirk glaring daggers at him and the _audience_ and his own hysterical word vomit echoing in his ears. His heart was beating so fast he thought it might actually burst, and it was cold in the rain but his whole body felt too hot, and he had to catch his breath, he had to go somewhere he could breathe. 

So he did the only thing he could think of. He left, shooting off without another word, much too afraid to look back. Not because Dirk might be following, though. He was afraid mostly because he probably wasn't, and he had no idea how to handle that at all.


	8. Now I just need to find some way to get the bastard to start talking to me, again.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 21:14 --  
  
TG: well idk whats about to happen but i figure youd want to know  
TG: jake apparently found dirk and shits about to go down majorly  
TG: hes off somewhere with his troll date and i figure its gonna be real dramatic   
TG: how do we stop teen grandpa from flooding the earth rose  
TG: should we build an ark  
TT: Did you talk to him?   
TG: im not telling you what he said  
TT: I didn't ask.   
TG: you were going to  
TT: Fine. I don't need to know.   
TG: jake still has karkat blocked so  
TG: idk if anyones talked to him  
TG: prolly not  
TG: i should tell jade hes still here she might be our only hope i guess i just kind of come to you to fix shit by default  
TT: How flattering.   
TG: yeah enjoy that  
TT: So.  
TG: so  
TG: so what  
TT: Are you still upset with me?   
TG: how is that important right now  
TG: did you not read anything i said up there  
TT: I read it.   
TG: i mean  
TG: im not THRILLED with you ive asked you like a thousand times to lay off the dad thing  
TT: Why?   
TG: eurgh   
TG: rose   
TG: jake is literally about to drown everyone on earth what kind of gods would we be if we just let it happen  
TG: dont we have a responsibility  
TG: some kind of deific duty to do right by this planet and all its inhabitants  
TT: He's going to do no such thing.  
TG: how do you know  
TT: Just a feeling.  
TG: ugh  
TG: i fuckin hate seer bullshit  
TT: I know.  
TG: i just dont like thinking of him like that, ok?  
TT: You have no problem pointing out Roxy's genetic relationship to us every chance you get. Why shouldn't I be afforded the same courtesy in regards to Dirk?   
TG: look its not the same  
TG: roxy doesnt care if we call her that or think of her like that or whatever she said so herself  
TG: roxy like... WANTED us  
TG: some version of us  
TG: not actually us god this is so fucked up i dont even know how to explain?   
TT: I think that whether or not my exploring my relationship with Dirk makes him uncomfortable is a situation for him and me to navigate. It has almost nothing to do specifically with you.   
TG: yeah ok you know what  
TG: whatever alright do what you want  
TG: you will anyway  
TG: i didnt come here to slapfight about this   
TG: honestly i dont know why i came here at all shoulda just gone to roxy or jade  
TT: Roxy hasn't been answering her messages.   
TT: At least, not from me.   
TT: Maybe I've somehow upset her, too, who knows.   
TG: i doubt it  
TT: In any case, whatever is going on now, I'm not sure I can be much help.   
TT: But thanks for thinking of me.   
TG: so then... what  
TG: are we just giving up  
TT: Maybe they'll talk the situation through like adults, reach the obvious conclusion, and all of this will be cleared up by morning.   
TG: yeah right  
TT: It's a nice thought, though.   
TG: i feel like i should do SOMETHING  
TT: That's quite a change from your feelings about the matter from earlier.   
TG: i wish i knew what they were saying  
TT: Don't we all.   
TG: ...   
TT: Is that it, then?  
TG: i dont know  
TT: That's a coward's answer, and you know it.   
TT: You can be an immature and infuriating little ponce, sometimes, but you're no coward.  
TG: you dont know that  
TG: im p much constantly terrified of something or other every hour of every day so fuck you  
TT: That's the anxiety, Dave.  
TT: We've talked about this.  
TG: i dont want to fight with you  
TG: at least not about anything i actually care about i mean fighting with you about stupid pointless shit is one of my favorite hobbies obviously  
TT: We don't have to fight.   
TT: Maybe we can just have a discussion.   
TG: ...  
TT: I know you know we should. It's been a long time coming.   
TG: maybe but i still dont want to  
TT: That's fair, but also, we still should.   
TG: where do i even start  
TT: How about with the obvious:  
TT: Why do you get so upset when I point out the fact that Dirk is, genetically speaking, our literal father?  
TG: ok look  
TG: youre right i do care that you want to think of him as your dad  
TG: it bugs the shit out of me if im being honest  
TT: Mm hm.  
TG: BUT i mean... ugh  
TG: not in any way that matters or means you should not do that if thats what you want  
TG: its my stupid overly dramatic garbage not yours  
TG: and if you told me to stop doing... whatever this is with roxy, i dont even know, i would be mad at you too   
TG: so i get it  
TT: Hm. Surprisingly reasonable.  
TG: if you want to know the real sad pathetic truth i think a part of me is just  
TG: idk  
TG: jealous?  
TT: ...Jealous.  
TG: yeah jealous  
TG: that you can conceptualize him in that way and that it actually makes sense to you  
TG: like look check it  
TG: when your mom picked you up out of your smoking meteor hole she took one look at you and said yep  
TG: this fine specimen right here  
TG: this squalling meteor child  
TT: I highly doubt that I was squalling. That seems more in your wheelhouse.  
TG: this red faced potato lookin infant  
TT: Oh come on.  
TG: that sure is my daughter  
TG: same with johns dad and even jades grandpa i mean he just called himself "grandpa" and not "dad" because he was old as hell or whatever right  
TG: i guess i should just be glad that bro even acknowledged on some level that we were family? though i was never a hundred percent sure like its not like i could just ask him hey where are our parents  
TG: i just assumed they were dead  
TG: and maybe them being dead was why he was so fucked up or at least part of it   
TG: i made a lot of excuses for him im sure youve noticed  
TT: Hm.  
TG: anyway  
TG: i dont know how to explain to you in a way that doesnt make me look like a whiny blubbering fuckin baby that knowing he was actually my dad the whole time kinda sucks  
TG: like i could lie to myself i guess and say that theres a chance he didnt know  
TG: but i think he did  
TG: i think they all knew about our weird fucked up ectobiological cosmic dna relationships somehow  
TG: which means he made a choice to hide it and disavow it entirely  
TG: i mean he made a lot of shitty choices in regards to a lot of things but me in particular  
TG: and maybe i shouldnt care because obviously bro and dirk are different people and dont necessarily have the same opinions or anything   
TG: and before you ask, no, i never asked him outright if he thought of the other me as his brother because he wanted to or because something i had done that hed seen implied i would have wanted it that way too  
TG: but it doesnt fucking MATTER all that much does it  
TG: even i dont know why i spend so much time thinking about this and letting myself feel shitty about it?  
TG: like jesus him calling himself my dad would have made it all worse wouldnt it  
TT: I think only you can decide that.   
TG: who cares what he called himself it doesnt change anything he did or what his priorities were  
TG: but   
TG: you dont... have all this  
TG: all jangling around in your head  
TG: youve just got a big question mark, like a mystery absentee dad figure dirk fills as well as anyone else would because theres no history its just a blank slate  
TG: like me with having a mom i guess  
TG: so anyway back to my original point: i guess im just jealous that its so easy for you to think of him that way when for me it just opens up this big pile of rank unexamined shit in my poor fucked up psyche  
TT: Does he know that?   
TG: god no  
TG: why would i tell him about that  
TG: the dude is down enough on himself as it is without me giving him more shit to be inappropriately guilty about  
TG: and we both know he would be  
TT: True.   
TG: and at the end of the day i dont think i even WANT dirk to like  
TG: ugh  
TG: like look ok i like it when roxy does her mom schtick lets just put that out there and acknowledge the obvious  
TG: but thats because she likes it too or at least im pretty sure she does and it mutually works for us in a way that i guess is kind of fucked up because were the same physical age but gahdfj i dont even know why im explaining this because YOU do it with her too, ive heard you call her mom before, dont act like it doesnt slip out  
TT: I do still think of her that way, yes.   
TG: but i dont want dirk to try to pretend to be this thing he doesnt want to be because i feel like... i dont know, fuck dna, when i look at dirk i just see a dude i care about a lot who maybe i should have a totally different relationship with because the technically correct or typical ones are too poisoned by another guy whose dead now so who cares  
TG: i dont even know what i want to call it except what weve already been calling it   
TG: i dont need him to be my dad  
TG: the whole concept of having a dad is ruined for me now in so many ways its almost comical  
TG: i dont really mind not having any kind of accurate word for what we are to each other because all that matters is that were on the same page about it and i think we are?  
TT: But I couldn't possibly claim that unidentifiable quasi-brotherish relationship with him, myself.   
TG: ... yeah no  
TT: He IS my absentee father, at least as much as Roxy is my mother.   
TT: And I have been curious about him, just like you were curious about our mother.   
TT: I understand your negative feelings.   
TT: And I understand your jealousy, too. I feel that sometimes with you and Roxy.   
TG: yeah ive uh  
TG: kinda gotten that sense sometimes  
TG: not that i was gonna call you out on it or nothin just... yeah  
TT: It's that you can just enjoy having her here as she is, now, without the experience of what being raised by her alternate self was like.   
TT: I won't pretend my situation was as bad as yours.   
TG: its not a contest  
TT: I know. And I've forgiven my mother in ways that I suspect you have no interest in forgiving your Bro for, which is of course completely your decision and I want to be clear that I am in no way implying you should follow my example.  
TG: thanks  
TT: But seeing you and Roxy and the heartwarming mother-son routine sometimes rankles. I catch myself thinking uncharitable things, like for instance, that you haven't "earned" that, whatever that means.   
TT: Which is unfair to you, and I realize that, and I am working on it.  
TG: i wish we all could have like...   
TG: grown up together  
TG: you and me and dirk and roxy  
TT: So do I.  
TT: But, if you think about it,   
TT: We're immortal, aren't we? The seventeen or so years we've experienced from our perspectives so far are nothing at all in the face of eternity.  
TT: And all four of us are very far from "grown up," as much as it pains me to admit that.   
TG: lol  
TG: screenshotting as we speak  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: What I'm saying is that I think we should each be allowed to map our relationships to one another however we like, and that however that shakes out, we actually will be able to "grow up" together, won't we?  
TT: Right now, of course it feels like we've missed out on that opportunity. But years from now? Decades? Hell, centuries?  
TG: were going to have a lot more time together than we had to spend apart  
TT: Exactly.   
TG: can you think of him as your dad without thinking of him as mine  
TT: I can try.  
TG: while still thinking of us as brother and sister  
TT: Nothing could possibly put your status as my irritating, infantile twin brother in jeopardy, I assure you.  
TG: shit what a relief  
TT: And Roxy, of course, as our mother.   
TG: roxy still kinda thinks of YOU as HER mom lol  
TT: I know. I... don't mind it, strangely?   
TT: So I suppose in a way, you and Dirk don't have a monopoly on the nebulous undefined family relationship after all.   
TG: yeah  
TG: man  
TG: our family is super fucked up  
TT: I like it.  
TT: It suits us.   
TG: heh  
TG: yeah i guess it does  
TG: ok  
TG: i guess ill try and work on it too  
TG: not being jealous and weird and so on  
TT: Thank you.  
TG: youre welcome  
TT: Now I just need to find some way to get the bastard to start talking to me, again.   
TG: probably dont introduce yourself with hey dad its me your obnoxious know it all daughter  
TG: just a tip  
TT: You're right.   
TT: I'll have to work up to it.   
TG: spring it on him like a trap  
TT: Exactly.  
TG: also probably lay off the jake stuff for awhile  
TT: Mm.   
TT: You're sure there's no chance you can tell me what he said, in regards to that.   
TG: ehh  
TG: enough that i hope they work it out  
TT: Fair enough.   
TG: theyre worse than either of us ever was with karkat and kanaya  
TT: Ha.   
TT: Agreed.   
TT: Really, what excuse do they have? They're the same species and everything.  
TG: shameful  
TT: Embarrassing.  
TG: hey rose  
TT: Yes, Dave?  
TG: i think i gotta go stop karkat from snapping his phone in half  
TG: hes been trying to get ahold of jake for like hours now and its not like hes gonna respond NOW  
TT: Alright, then. Off with you.   
TG: im glad youre my obnoxious know it all sister  
TT: And I'm glad you're my irritating, infantile brother.   
TG: cool  
TT: Good luck.   
TG: thanks  


*

"Aren't you going to go after him?" Ellius called over to him. Dirk let the words sink in through the panicked static in his brain, wrenching his gaze away from the black sky and the silhouette of the rest of the estate in the distance. Jake had disappeared somewhere up there, swallowed up by the wind and rain. He turned, slowly, heart still pounding, his mind viciously playing back bits and pieces of everything that had just been said. _I came here to fight about us_ and _awful presumptuous of you_ and _just who the fuck was waiting for who?_ Like a fucking loop. 

He looked at Ellius. 

His big blue alien eyes were fixed on him expectantly, eyebrows arched up, chin tilted like he was daring him to say no. Beside him, Forbes straightened up and took a step back. Dirk's eyes flickered to focus on him. He sucked in a breath and cleared his throat, little warm blotches of color staining his ash grey cheeks. Bronzeblood, Dirk remembered, though it was hard to tell in the dark. Ellius's arms fell away from him to hang awkwardly at his sides, instead, and Forbes shifted on his feet, like he was nervous. 

"This is my fault," he started, and Dirk felt himself bristle up like a goddamn wild animal, or something. 

"Like fuck it is," he snapped, and he expected the troll to shrink back -- he seemed like the type that would -- but surprisingly, Forbes just squared his shoulders and set his jaw and met his eyes. 

"I should have told him the plan was awful," Forbes said, and then he heaved a great big dramatic sigh and threw his hands up, exasperated. "I knew I wouldn't be able to hold up my end of the act, and also, I knew that -- the idea of it -- that it would be counterproductive at best, but the way he explained it, and, and he was just so _excited._ It made sense, somehow, when he explained it! It felt right. Even though I _knew_ it wasn't. That it would just cause more trouble than it was worth. That even if us carrying on forced some sort of concession or, or _confession_ from either of you, it would come from... the wrong place, for the wrong reasons, but..." 

"You were trying to make me jealous," Ellius said, incredulously. He was, of all things, grinning openly, like they were sharing some fantastic joke. 

"Which is _ridiculous_ , for several reasons, not the least of which being that I couldn't possibly compete, with, er, well..." Forbes just looked at him. Ellius did, too. 

Dirk stared helplessly back at them both. 

"I think I just _really_ fucked up," he said. It was hard to believe that five minutes ago, he'd been pissed off. Purposely antagonizing Jake, for god's sake, what the fuck was wrong with him? "Jesus _shit,_ " he breathed out, "I don't think that could have possibly gone _worse._ What the fuck is wrong with me?" 

"Nothing is wrong with you," Ellius said. 

"Fuck you, you don't fucking know me!" Dirk snapped back, and Forbes _did_ cringe back a little at that, but Ellius just nodded, calm as you please. 

"I still think you should go after him," he said. Dirk made a frustrated sound, running his hand over his face. "But _first_ , maybe you should take a minute to calm down? Think about what you're going to say." 

"I'm not going to fucking say anything, because he's never going to fucking _talk_ to me again," Dirk said, muffled into his own hand. Ellius sighed. 

"That's nonsense talk, and you know it." 

Simultaneously, Dirk's phone -- which had stopped buzzing, at some point -- started up again, clattering against the glass tabletop. Dread filled him. There was no way it was Jake, but the chances that it was someone _asking_ about Jake were pretty fucking high. Fuck. 

"He might be going back to the atrium," Forbes said. He was watching the phone, too. "He said --" 

Dirk held up a hand, shaking his head. "I don't want to know." 

"He said that he felt stupid for thinking he could just wait however long he liked," Forbes went on, ignoring him. "He said that we'd have to force the issue in a way that couldn't be taken back or misconstrued. Also, I think he -- we -- just liked the idea of making the two of you as nervous as we'd been feeling, watching you..."

"Good heavens, Forbes, I had no idea you had that sort of vindictiveness in you," Ellius said, his delighted tone completely at odds with the rebuke in his words. 

"I didn't think I did, either! At least, until he started _talking._ I'm telling you, it made sense, at the time." His shoulders slumped. "I'm an idiot," he said. 

"You certainly are," Ellius agreed. 

"Great," Dirk said. "Cool. I'm glad this is working out so well for the both of _you_ , but --" 

"Hey! _Hey_ , Dirk, for fuck's _sake!_ Fuck you!" 

Dirk's head snapped up, and the three of them turned like one entity, peering out into the rain. More cold dread pooled heavy in his gut. That had sounded like _Roxy_ \-- and sure enough, there she was, streaking toward them through the storm. Her glittering sequinned party attire had been discarded in favor of pink pajamas with little cat faces printed all over them, and the fabric was already soaked through and plastered to her skin. She was shaking a finger at him. Of course she was. 

"Is that--?" Ellius began, curiously. 

" _Roxy,_ " Dirk confirmed, as she landed under the outcropping with a solid _thunk_ and shook her hair out like a dog, water spraying everywhere. 

"Dirk _fuckin_ Strider," she exclaimed, marching up and snatching his phone off the table, "Just what the blue fucking _shit_ do you think you're doing?!" 

He gaped at her. " _Me?_ I could ask the -- what the fuck are _you_ doing?" 

"You!" Roxy ignored him, spinning instead to face the two trolls. "Get your antisocial asses inside before all the fucking rooms fill up and you've gotta sleep in the hallway or some shit, will you?" 

"Roxy --" 

She motioned an unmistakable _shut up_ motion at him. "Go on!" she waved the trolls off, too. "Go! Tell Jane I said you could have my room, if it comes to it, I'll just bunk with -- hey, hello? Ellius, was it? Nice to meet you, now _go._ " 

Forbes took a few hesitant steps, and Ellius met Dirk's eyes over Roxy's shoulder. "You have my handle?" 

"Yeah," he said, hating how defeated he sounded. Ellius nodded. 

"Best of luck," he said, and then he saluted at Roxy with a sideways grin, slid an arm over Forbes's shoulders and whisked him off, following the path of the eaves around the estate. Roxy watched them go, just for a second. 

And then it was just the two of them. He took a deep breath. 

"Give me back my phone," he said. She whirled on him, quirking an eyebrow. 

"Don't see why I should fuckin bother, seeing as how you're not answering the damn thing anyhow!" 

"I guess I don't need to ask who was sending all those messages a second ago, then." 

"Nice one, detective, well fucking sleuthed." She threw the phone at him. He caught it before it could smack him in the face, but only barely. He tossed it back on the table, and she threw her hands up in the air like she had any reason to be dramatic, just then. What the fuck was her problem? 

"Not even gonna check to see what I had to say?" 

"I figure since you're so goddamn helpfully here, now, you'll just tell me yourself, once you're finished making a big fucking production out of it, or whatever this is." 

"Oh, fuck you," she snorted. 

"I couldn't help but notice you knew his name," Dirk flung back at her. 

"Yeah, I sure fuckin' did. I admit it, all right? I was watching you for a good chunk of the night, trying to get a bead on that guy." 

"Spreading all kinds of rumors about us." 

"Fuckin' _what?_ That is so not true?" 

"I got an earful from Dave not twenty minutes ago, telling me about how everyone knew all about my _hot date._ " 

"That's not a _rumor_ , Dirk, that's just the simple god damn truth percolating through the party the way it was always fuckin' bound and guaranteed to the second you chose to walk through the garden arch with that fancy blue alien's hand barely an inch off from copping a handful of your ass!" She was shaking her finger at him, again. He ground his teeth. "English ought to thank his lucky stars he didn't bust down a door somewhere and find the two of you all --" 

" _Roxy_ ," he warned her. She cut herself off, mercifully, and then pointed insistently off into the rain. 

"Will you stop fucking around and go _find_ him, already?" 

And he realized something he should have known from the start. 

"How long were you watching?" he demanded, and she flinched away from him, a guilty look flickering over her features, just for a second.

"Long enough to know what I'm fucking talking about," she muttered. She met his eyes, defiantly. "Look, you can be pissed off at me all you want, whatever, I'll live, but Dirk, I swear to God if you just let whatever just went down fester for another fucking _year_ \--" 

"What fucking business is it of _yours?_ " He shouted at her. She pressed her lips into a line and crossed her arms, water dripping from her hair and off her chin. "Don't act like you weren't skulking around all fucking night, listening in on us and passing on the details, all right? I know you were, it's what you _do_." 

She flinched, again, but she didn't argue. He took a deep breath. What was he doing? He wasn't actually mad at _Roxy._ He was mad at _himself._ He couldn't do this twice in one night. 

"Roxy," he said, softer, practically pleading, and now it was his turn to flinch at his tone. "Please just leave me alone." 

And, for a second, she looked like she was actually considering it. She looked away, shifted on her feet, and made this disconcerting _growling_ sound like she was trying to be a troll, herself. Her nose wrinkled up and her eyebrows squished together and she slid her fingers into her rain soaked hair and tightened them hard in the roots. And then she shook her head, hard. 

"I can't," she said, miserably. "Dirk, I fuckin' -- _can't._ " She let her hands drop and tried to meet his eyes, but he couldn't hold her gaze. He focused on a point between them on the floor, instead. "If I go right now you're just going to sit your ass down on one of these stupid fucking chairs and think yourself in circles until you find a way to make _everything_ that just went down all your fault, somehow! You'll tell yourself you deserve this, whatever it is, you'll think feeling all shitty and guilty is a fair fucking punishment, and you'll never _do_ anything, don't you get it? You'll never try to fix it, because you think you don't deserve for it to be fixed! Like you're the only person involved in this little bullshit equation!" 

She kicked one of the chairs, hard, and it tipped over with a ringing metal _clang_ and bounced on its side. He took a step back. "Well, you're not! And don't think I don't get it, either, because I do, you bet your sweet goddamn ass I know. Of course he ran off, doesn't he always? I can't even fuckin' _fathom_ how irritating it must be, having to navigate around the gears and wheels and bells and whistles in Jake English's mess of a head, but you know him better than anyone, Dirk, and you _know_ he'll just take the path of least resistance every time if you let him, even if it's the _worst_ possible way to go!" 

"That isn't fair," he said, but it sounded hollow, even to him. 

"And the thing is," she went on, heedless, "I'm not even _just_ talking about Jake. Do you know how hard it is for the rest of us, having to tiptoe around your bullshit? What the fuck is Jane supposed to do with the two of you playing this shitty game of will they or won't they, forever and ever into goddamn eternity and beyond? Huh? What am _I_ supposed to do, Dirk? Jane wants me to tell her you won't take him back, Jake wants me to pretend I'm not caught in the middle of an eternal stupid stalemate, and _you_ just want everyone to ignore how miserable you are all the time like that's easy for us, too!" 

"I'm _not_ fucking miserable!" 

"Oh fucking _bullshit_ you're not, do you hear yourself?" 

"I'm fine! I like living on the island! We spend plenty of time together, do you think it's the same when we're not -- maybe it's only _really_ weird when we're with the rest of you, because you all know the fucking history, or whatever, and that's hard to put aside --" 

"Right, so, the second we're not looking it's _all_ lollipops and sunshine, is that what you're saying?" 

"We're _friends._ Jesus, Roxy! We've been best _friends_ practically our whole goddamn lives, and everyone acts like it's this totally unbelievable thing that we could go back to being that --" 

"--No, you know what, I get it. As long as neither of you cracked, it was sustainable, like the world's shittiest and most pointless ceasefire, and _you_ don't want to face up to how totally fucking pear shaped it's all gone in a big fuckin' stormy cloud shaped way." She gestured up, overhead and all around. "Do you even know that Jake's the one who conjured up this wild ass fucking storm?" 

"... _What?_ " 

She nodded viciously, water droplets flying off her hair. "Some top tier God of Hope bullshit, right here." 

He sat down in the remaining upright chair, slumping heavily into it. Roxy groaned. 

"God damn it, Dirk, get _up._ " 

"You're saying _Jake_ caused this? How do you know that?" 

"Seer stuff," Roxy shrugged. 

"So, Rose saying whatever the hell she wants to get a response out of people." 

" _And_ Muse stuff," Roxy said, a little more sharply. "And if you're gonna accuse Callie of making shit up for the drama, you and I are gonna have to throw down." Dirk covered his eyes with one hand. Fucking _Jesus._

"Jane is going to kill us," he said. He almost laughed. Well, why not. Fight with Jake, fight with Roxy, it was only natural that Jane would be next in line. Probably Rose and Dave after that, too. Just yell and scream at everyone in his life until they all wanted nothing to do with him, sure, why not. 

"Well, get the fuck in line, then," Roxy muttered, and Dirk peeked at her between his fingers, frowning. Right. 

"I'm sure her bloodlust will be good and slaked by the time she's through with us," he said. 

Roxy murmured something he couldn't quite catch, eyed the chair she'd previously kicked over, and then bent and pulled it back upright with a grunt. She flopped into it, looking bone tired, wet and miserable. She crossed her hands over her chest, sinking down into the seat. 

"You should really talk to Jake," she said, finally. "Before Jane kills us, preferably. Go out on a positive note." 

He made a wordless, noncommittal sound. She sighed. 

"Also, I'm sorry for spying on you. It was stupid and shitty and I shouldn't have fucking done it, not earlier today and not just now, either." 

He let that hang for a second. Then he sighed and kicked her under the table. She kicked him back. "You're fine," he said. "It's all right." 

"It's not." 

"If you hadn't done it, someone else would have. I knew something was up a half hour in when I still hadn't heard from you or Rose or goddamn anyone about Ellius. I knew someone had to have fuckin' noticed, by then. I was just..." he shrugged, trailing off. 

"Hoping Jake would say somethin', huh?" 

"You know, that's the first thing Dave said, too." 

"Great minds," Roxy winked at him, tapping the side of her head. Dirk scoffed at her, kicking her ankles again. And again, she kicked right back. "Haven't heard any thunder in awhile," she noted, and Dirk startled in his seat. She was right. It had been nothing but rain, steady and heavy. No thunder, no lightning. "Wonder what that means?" 

His stomach tightened, filling with that lead sensation, again. He had a few guesses. "It's a lot easier to just be angry," he said, softly. 

"Yup." 

"Angry is distracting, at least." 

"Don't I fuckin' know it." 

He opened his mouth to just keep right on making inane, obvious observations, just to pass the time, but before he could voice anything the lights in the side hall beside them came on, all the windows down this side of the estate lighting up at once. Strings of tiny white bulbs twined around the rafters in the eaves overhead came to life, too, lighting up the veranda. He heard a door slam inside, not far away, and he and Roxy met eyes over the table. 

Then came the unmistakable sound of Jane's clicking heels marching in their direction, audible even over the rain. Ellius and Forbes must have found her, after all. 

The side door slammed open. " _Well_ ," Jane said, voice pitched high with disapproval, and Roxy mouthed a word at him silently before they both turned to face her in tandem. 

_Busted._


	9. I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE HOW LONG THIS NIGHT IS GOING TO BE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 21:32 --  
  
CG: ALL RIGHT, ENGLISH.  
golgothasTerror [GT] did not receive message from carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CG: YOU WIN.   
CG: YOU'VE SUCCESSFULLY MADE EVERYONE WORRY ABOUT YOU.  
CG: JADE IS ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKING UPSET, SO DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOUR ENTIRE RIDICULOUS, EXCESSIVE TOWER HIVE IS BASICALLY TURNED UPSIDE DOWN BY THE TIME YOU ACTUALLY GET AROUND TO MOSEYING YOUR RUDE AND ASTOUNDINGLY SURREPTITIOUS ASS BACK TO IT, PRESUMABLY SOME POINT IN THE NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE.  
CG: FOR MY PART, I HAVE BEEN UTTERLY FUCKING DONE WITH THIS EXHAUSTING BULLSHIT FOR SEVERAL HOURS, NOW, MENTALLY SPEAKING, AND YET. AND YET! SOMEHOW, HERE I AM, STILL NAIVELY CLINGING TO A FAINT TENDRIL OF POSSIBLITY, IGNORANTLY HOLDING OUT HOPE THAT YOU MIGHT MIRACULOUSLY YANK YOUR HEAD OUT OF ITS PRESENT RESTING PLACE LODGED WHOLLY AND FIRMLY UP YOUR NOOK, AND RESPOND TO YOUR GODDAMN MESSAGES AT LEAST ONE FUCKING TIME, SO THAT WE CAN ALL GUILTLESSLY DISBAND AND TRY OUR LEVEL BEST TO ACHIEVE THAT MYTHICAL STATE KNOWN AS "RESTFUL SLEEP" TONIGHT!  
CG: WE DON'T EVEN NECESSARILY HAVE TO *TALK*  
CG: CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET US KNOW THAT WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU'RE OK???  
golgothasTerror [GT] unblocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CG: OH  
CG: HOLY  
CG: *SHIT*  
GT: ???   
GT: Were you about to message me too?  
CG: YOU'RE ACTUALLY ALIVE!  
GT: Of course im alive?  
GT: Why the blazes would you assume anything else?  
CG: IT'S HYPERBOLE, YOU DELIBERATELY OBTUSE SACK OF GUM FLAPPING NONSENSE  
GT: Okay listen i dont much care about whatever youre going on about now but theres something i need to say and ive got to say it before i lose my nerve so shut up for a sec.   
CG: OH, FANTASTIC.  
GT: I said shut it!  
GT: ...Right then.  
GT: Im sorry for blocking you earlier. I shouldnt have done it but i panicked and i did and i know youre probably pissed off at me as per your usual state or at least the state you usually present yourself in but i cant go back and change things now so i hope youll consider it water under the old bridge and all that.   
GT: The sooner the better.   
GT: If you dont mind.   
CG: WHAT, ARE YOU TIMING MY RESPONSE TO THIS GARBAGE OR SOMETHING???   
GT: I just have a lot of things to go over and i ran through my options and goddamn it karkat its got to be you.  
GT: Everyone else is either too upset at me or just doesnt understand well enough to help and i think i do need help.  
GT: Everything is a bit of a mess.  
GT: Actually its all sort of utterly and completely shitfucked if im being honest.  
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.  
GT: What??   
CG: I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION FOR SEVERAL FUCKING *HOURS* NOW, WITH NO SUCCESS, OBVIOUSLY, AND NOW YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MOSEY ON BACK IN HERE LIKE NOTHING'S HAPPENED. LIKE WE'RE THE ONES OVERREACTING! WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, ENGLISH, ARE YOU JOKING?!  
GT: Goddamn it!  
GT: Ok fine!  
GT: What do you want from me?   
GT: What could i possibly do by way of reparations to properly acknowledge that ive fucked up again in stupendously almighty fashion *again*?  
CG: OH COME ON  
GT: No please do tell by all means!  
GT: This is the exact sort of shit i need to study up on isnt it?  
GT: Teach me how to apologize karkat go on im primed and ready and on the edge of my goddamn seat lets hear it.  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME???  
GT: Er... well.  
GT: Thats not exactly the book of social wisdom i expected you to slam in my face just then is it?  
CG: JAKE.   
GT: Its kind of a funny story.  
CG: I GUARANTEE YOU I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT INCAPABLE OF FINDING THE HUMOR IN ANYTHING, RIGHT NOW.  
CG: SO LET'S HEAR IT.  
GT: I guess it all started with jane? All of janes big shot fancy friends and investors and business interests and whatnot. Schmoozing around with the upper crust or so to speak.  
CG: NO NO NO, STOP, NO.   
CG: I ALREADY KNOW THAT PART.  
CG: SKIP TO AFTER YOU CLIMBED THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW AND DISAPPEARED!  
GT: Hrm...  
GT: Well if you insist.   
GT: But im telling you youll be missing important details that way.  
CG: ENGLISH!  
GT: Ahem.  
GT: Since i was reasonably sure that dirk wasnt going to show up again i thought there was just no way i could go back in there with jane and suffer through it the whole night long. And it was and in fact still is bothering me a whole friggin bunch that i couldnt figure out what id done this time though i guess i know the answer now.  
GT: Sort of.  
GT: And then i. Well i um. I guess i sure did fly through a window and out into the night didnt i? Yes that sounds exactly like something i would do.   
CG: ...  
GT: Just blasted right off like a superhero or some such!   
GT: Imagine im making one of those pchoo sounds like john does so well.   
CG: OK, SO YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY ESCAPE THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW LIKE SOME KIND OF SHITTY REVERSE HIVE BURGLAR. THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF A RELIEF. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE ALL JUMPED TO THAT CONCLUSION??? PROBABLY BECAUSE JADE PLANTED THE IDEA IN OUR HEADS LIKE SHITTY SEEDS IN HER TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL JUNGLE HIVE.   
CG: SHE KEPT INSISTING SHE WOULD HAVE SEEN YOU LEAVE.  
GT: Well she didnt!  
GT: I remember going to the door and taking a real deep breath and closing my eyes and thinking if i just went fast enough no one would notice me.   
GT: And it must have worked because before i knew it id snuck right outside and into the crowd and no one was paying any attention at all. Erm mostly.   
CG: I KNOW WE KEEP TELLING YOU THIS  
CG: AND YOU KEEP NOT LISTENING  
CG: BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY TALK TO CALLIE ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN HOPE POWERS, SOMETIME.   
GT: Psh there was nothing powers related about it in the least!  
GT: It was all pure stealthy athleticism at its finest.   
GT: But of course i wouldnt expect you to know much about either of those things eh? What with... oh you know.  
CG: HA HA. OF COURSE. HOW LOUD AND GENERALLY NONATHLETIC I AM. GOOD ONE, FUCK YOU.  
GT: Heheh.  
GT: In any case i zipped right out of there in a jiffy and almost instantly found myself in yet another pickle.   
GT: There were just so many goddamn people everywhere you know?  
CG: YEAH, JANE BASICALLY INVITED EVERYONE TO THIS THING, I THINK.   
GT: Everyone and then some. So i thought if i could just find a quiet place to sit and think maybe i could figure out what id done to brush dirk so thoroughly off.   
CG: IS HE THE REASON YOU ENDED UP COMING, AFTER ALL?  
CG: BECAUSE YOU TOLD *ME* THERE WAS NO WAY YOU WOULD EVEN CONSIDER IT, REMEMBER?  
GT: Ah fuck. Yes i do remember that.   
GT: You know usually when i make myself come to these it turns out all right so long as dirk is here too.   
CG: I KNEW IT.  
GT: I didnt even realize what a habit id been making of it!  
GT: It just felt so natural!  
GT: Hes rather got a knack for knowing when ive had enough of all the blather and bollocks and hes always pretty quick to step in with some piss poor excuse or another that janes just too polite to call him out on in front of all the adoring public.   
GT: I know he likes to say hes got no charisma and all that but its a bunch of barmy hogwash and we all know it. Hes charming and distracting and hes got an apologetic little eyebrows wincing thing that can and does melt all the lookie loos a fancy ballroom can handle!  
CG: GOD.   
CG: YOU BOTH DISGUST ME SO MUCH  
GT: So i guess i thought i was fine for that reason.   
CG: HOLD ON  
GT: ?  
GT: Whats the matter?  
CG: NOTHING, JUST A SEC.  
GT: Wait, is he there? Are you with dirk over there karkat???  
CG: OTHER STRIDER  
GT: Oh.  
GT: God yes of course.   
GT: Wait are you telling him all of this too?  
CG: NO!   
CG: I'M BEING VERY CIRCUMSPECT AND RESPECTFUL OF YOUR IDIOTIC PLIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!  
CG: FORTUNATELY, DAVE ISN'T NEARLY AS RESTRAINED, AND I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS AS TO WHO HE WAS TALKING TO NOT SO VERY LONG AGO!  
GT: Oh no.  
CG: AND YET NOW THE OTHER STRIDER HAS STOPPED RESPONDING, OSTENSIBLY BECAUSE *YOU* SHOWED UP? DO I HAVE THAT RIGHT??   
GT: Allow me to remind you sir that i *did* start this whole thing off by telling you very up front and honestly that i needed help.   
CG: GOD DAMN IT  
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO?  
CG: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
CG: WHAT DID *HE* SAY???  
CG: IT CAN'T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES, ARE YOU JOKING? YOU'RE NOT WITH HIM, STILL? WHERE ARE YOU?!   
GT: Karkat i know you mean well and thats great and all but i need you to slow the heck down with the questioning here or i cant be held responsible for what i do next.  
CG: WAIT, NO  
CG: DON'T BLOCK ME AGAIN  
GT: Believe me i dont want to!  
GT: But if you keep on going at me like that im not going to be able to help it!  
GT: Im already flipping my fucking lid over this quite enough without you slinging daggers at me question wise alongside everything else!  
CG: OK, IT'S FINE. FORGET ALL THAT.   
CG: TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS, IN YOUR OWN TIME, ALL ABOUT HOW WE CAN'T TURN OUR BACKS ON YOU JACKOFFS FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS WITHOUT THE SHEER FUCKING VOLUME OF YOUR OVERDONE MELODRAMA BLUDGEONING LITERALLY ALL THE SENSE OUT OF ANY GIVEN SITUATION.  
GT: Oh ha ha karkat very funny.  
GT: Personally i dont think youre in any position to criticize when it comes to volume or melodrama seeing as how youre the absolute gold standard for that sort of thing in my general experience thank you very much.  
CG: NO, FUCK YOU, I MEAN THE SIZE, THE PHYSICAL GODDAMN THREE DIMENSIONAL SUFFOCATING FUCKING--  
CG: OKAY NO  
CG: I HEARD IT, TOO  
CG: NO SIZE JOKES. NONE! STOP TYPING IMMEDIATELY  
GT: Karkat please. Like i would ever be so crude.  
CG: LISTEN, YOU SHIT.  
CG: YOU AND DIRK NEED TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION! AND BY CONVERSATION, I MEAN SOMETHING MORE THAN WHATEVER YOU JUST DID, WHICH COULDN'T HAVE TAKEN LONGER THAN TEN MINUTES AND APPARENTLY WENT EXTREMELY POORLY, JUDGING BY THE CAGEY SHIT YOU'VE SAID THAT I'M ONLY JUST NOW UNDERSTANDING THE FULL IMPLICATIONS OF!  
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL YOUR SHIT HAS GOTTEN?  
CG: ARE YOU EVEN REMOTELY AWARE, FOR INSTANCE, THAT YOU'RE SUBCONSCIOUSLY CONTROLLING THIS STORM???  


Jake blinked, and looked up. 

The torrential rainfall that pounded against the glass overhead was loud, but not distracting in the least. Quite the opposite, really. It formed a cocoon of soothing white noise all around him, helping him think clearly when all he'd really wanted to do was curl up with his back against a potted plant and sob himself pathetically to sleep. He'd almost done just that anyway, but... he shook his head, diverting the thought. 

He wrinkled his brows. Karkat was blaming _him_ for this?

CG: JAKE?  
CG: LOOK. PLEASE DON'T BLOCK ME AGAIN. IT'S THE TRUTH, AND WE NEED TO START DEALING WITH IT, OK?  


At least he'd said _we._ That made him feel a bit better, somehow, like he wasn't shouldering it all alone.

GT: Hold on there just a second.  
GT: Where is this coming from now?  
GT: I cant control the friggin weather!  
CG: I TOLD YOU, YOU REALLY NEED TO TALK TO CALLIE ABOUT THESE POWERS OF YOURS! YOU KEEP DOING SHIT WITH THEM WITHOUT REALIZING, AND THEY'RE NOT GETTING ANY LESS TOTALLY OVERPOWERED.  
GT: Now look here!  
GT: If you want someone to blame for a thunderstorm i think we all know john is just a few shades more capable than i am!  
GT: And its not that im trying to get him in trouble or anything because im not but you know itd be right up his alley to pull over some wacky hijinx like this on poor jane!  
CG: UGH  
CG: IT'S NOT JOHN. HE ISN'T EVEN HERE! YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE NOTICED, WHAT WITH YOUR BREATHTAKING TENDENCY TO BE TOTALLY SELF ABSORBED, BUT HE HASN'T EXACTLY BEEN IN A "WACKY HIJINX" SORT OF MOOD, LATELY.   
GT: Well all the more reason to be a little suspicious of the mood this all sets for janes poor party then!  


A flash of lightning lit the room, and Jake flinched back at the booming aftermath, hunching his shoulders. He peered cautiously overhead. Nothing but blackness.

GT: If i could damn well control it then id tell it to go away!  
CG: OBVIOUSLY YOU *CAN'T* CONTROL IT, AT LEAST NOT CONSCIOUSLY, OR IT WOULDN'T BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
CG: I THINK?  
GT: This isnt my fault!!!  


He jumped to his feet, a mix of worry and fear and anger rushing to his head together. This _couldn't_ be his fault. If this was his fault, Jane was going to absolutely murder him, and worse still, she might be justified doing so. She'd agonized over this stupid party for weeks and weeks, he'd heard boring detail after boring detail, a veritable blue streak filling up his chatlogs day in and day out. He might not have been a hundred percent engaged in all the whosits and howsits and all that, but he'd tried his damn best to textually nod in all the right places, because as much as he didn't care about the _party_ , it was obvious Jane was excited about it, and he did care about _Jane._

...As a friend! Not that that was ever _enough._ His mouth twisted sideways, his heart beat too fast, and his brain spun all his thoughts like a roulette wheel, the little ball of his consciousness bouncing from one to the next to the next -- Dirk, Jane, Karkat, the storm. 

The look Dirk had given him when they'd locked eyes across that room, the look Jane had given him when he'd excused himself, the look that handsome blue troll had given _Dirk_ , the look that Forbes had given them both, standing right here beside him with his face pressed against the glass like there was just no hope, there was no hope at all. 

Another flash went off outside like a bomb. 

The whole world around the atrium lit up bright as a clear afternoon, the sudden light flickering wildly like a strobe, and the resounding crash that followed it was sharp like a whipcrack and every bit as loud as an explosion. The walls of the atrium rattled, the floor shook, and he dove to the floor on pure blind instinct, covering his head and ears. He yelled something, but he couldn't even hear his own voice. 

The sound rolled past and the shaking stopped, but Jake just hunched there for a minute, shivering. 

His phone buzzed. He looked up. He must have dropped it -- or maybe thrown it, because it had somehow skittered a good distance away. He swore softly, wincing as he stood to retrieve it. The rain didn't seem quite so soothing, anymore. It felt... ominous. Accusatory. His shoulders bunched and he shuffled awkwardly across the atrium, snatching his phone up.

CG: OKAY, LOOK, I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE.   
CG: SORRY.  
CG: UGH, I SWEAR I'M NOT, EVEN THOUGH I OBVIOUSLY AM, I'M JUST  
CG: I DON'T KNOW??   
CG: TRYING TO IMPRESS UPON YOU THE ACTUAL MAGNITUDE OF THE SITUATION, I GUESS?   
CG: I MEAN   
CG: JESUS SHITTING FUCKBALLS, WHAT THE *FUCK* WAS *THAT*!  
CG: JAKE?!  
CG: HOLY FUCK!  
CG: I ACTUALLY THINK I MIGHT HAVE PISSED MYSELF A LITTLE, WHAT THE FUCK  
CG: ARE YOU OK???   
GT: ...Im fine.   
GT: Sorry.  
GT: I dont know whats happening or why and if i could stop it i swear i would.  
GT: But i cant i just cant i dont even know the first thing about this shit!  
GT: Should i message callie right now?  
GT: Do you think she would know??   
CG: MAYBE??  
CG: BUT I THINK A GOOD START MIGHT BE CALMING DOWN A LITTLE BIT, IF YOU CAN.  
GT: How am i supposed to calm down when all this bullshit with dirk is going on AND on top of that i know that once jane finds out about this shes never going to speak to me again?  
GT: And how am i supposed to feel knowing that as much as that thought absolutely guts me and please believe me it does but...  
GT: But also a part of me is almost a little bit relieved?  
GT: She cant possibly keep pining after me after this can she?   
GT: Was there ever any way that i could have settled that situation without also alienating her completely forever?  
CG: OK, HOLD ON.   
GT: What do you think?   
CG: I THINK YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS AND IDEAS IN A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S MOUTHS, RIGHT NOW, AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP ASSUMING YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN TO ANYONE, YET!  
GT: ...  
CG: WE'LL DEAL WITH JANE LATER, OK? SHE'S BUSY.   
GT: Yeah i bet. Dealing with all this bullshit because of a freak storm that apparently i somehow conjured up out of thin air!   
CG: SHE'LL SURVIVE, AND SO WILL YOU. AND SO WILL YOUR FRIENDSHIP, EVENTUALLY.  
GT: How do you know?!  
CG: I JUST DO!  
CG: NOW LISTEN.  
CG: CAN YOU TALK ABOUT DIRK WITHOUT GETTING ALL LIGHTNING AND THUNDER ON US ALL, AGAIN?  
GT: ...Maybe.  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO TRY.  
GT: Its what i messaged you about in the first place!  
GT: So yes! But now i dont know if i even should.  
CG: OH NO. NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.  
GT: Ugh okay look here fine!!  
GT: I went and fucked it all up again and this time i did it half on purpose ok?  
GT: Well no i mean i wasnt trying to fuck it all up precisely but i knew there was a good friggin chance what i was going to do might have that general effect.  
GT: And i went and did it anyway!  
GT: I saw dirk out there schmoozing with this absolute looker of a troll and it just felt so shitty karkat i cant even describe it. It was like being suplexed into a great big pile of oozing horseshit while simultaneously being socked in the gut and kicked around the old bells and whistles.   
CG: OK, IT SUCKED, I GOT IT.   
GT: Exactly!  
GT: And while i was watching them i thought the only thing i wanted in the world was for dirk to understand how it made *me* feel seeing him like that.   
GT: Because obviously i thought it might kick him into gear in regards to the whole...  
GT: I mean hes the one who said it right?  
GT: It was his decision to break it off before.   
GT: Is it so wrong that i thought it would be better to wait for him to come around on it instead pushing the issue myself?   
CG: BUT MOSTLY, YOU JUST WANTED HIM TO UNDERSTAND HOW *YOU* FELT.   
GT: But both the good and the bad!!!  
GT: It wouldnt have hurt so bad seeing that if there wasnt a whole lot of good feelings there underneath too.   
GT: Right? Argh im probably not making any sense but i swear it all fits flush together in my head.   
CG: ...WHAT DID YOU DO?  
GT: I ran into a friend of the guy dirk was palling around with and uh.  
GT: Well i erm.  
CG: OH NO.  
GT: Im afraid so.   
CG: YOU GODDAMN IDIOT.  
GT: It went just as terribly as youre thinking.  
CG: WHAT DID HE SAY?  
GT: Its all kind of a blur...  
CG: JAKE.  
GT: Augh.   
GT: Lets see. He got angry obviously. But not about things i was expecting!   
GT: He gave me a rash of shit about expecting him to help me with jane and tried to play off his grand old date night as nothing worth mentioning at all which *really* pissed me off let me tell you!  
GT: And then when i wouldnt just let him get way with that he about faced in a blink and it was just a bunch of...   
GT: He said he never knew exactly where he stood with me. And some stuff i guess about waiting for me for some unfathomably goddamn reason and how he was all buddy buddy with the handsome troll because at least the troll's interest was obvious.  
GT: But i always thought my interest was obvious?  
GT: If anything i thought it was a little too obvious!  
GT: I mean for gods sake all any of you ever want to bring up half the time is how obvious im always being about it all the time!  
GT: I thought maybe he just needed time but the longer it went on the more i started to wonder if hed ever come around and how is that my fault?!  
CG: BUT... I MEAN, YOU KNEW HOW HE FELT, RIGHT?  
GT: Well i mean.   
GT: Didnt everyone?  
CG: YOU WEREN'T WAITING BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T SURE ABOUT WHAT HE WANTED. YOU WERE WAITING BECAUSE YOU FELT LIKE AFTER WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE, DIRK OWED YOU THE GESTURE. IT HAD TO COME FROM HIM TO PROVE DEFINITIVELY TO THE BOTH OF YOU THAT HE WAS WRONG. RIGHT?  
GT: Well i...  
GT: When you say it like that you make it sound downright malicious.  
CG: NOT MALICIOUS, REALLY. JUST PETTY.   
GT: ...  
CG: FOR A YEAR.  
GT: I just wanted him to say it.   
GT: Its just him and i now you know? And maybe that doesnt seem important to you but after all those years with the auto responder playing havoc with our communications its been phenomenal just being us. Together in real life the way we used to talk about in that absolutely ridiculous jokey but not joking at all sort of way we had. And i did genuinely think that since it *was* just us that eventually surely...   
GT: Is it so bad that i just wanted to hear him say it?   
GT: I mean fuck karkat i dont know how to say this so i guess ill just say it but a part of me has been waiting for dirk goddamn strider to just admit some things to me outright for almost my entire life!  
GT: But he never could.   
GT: And even when he did i never knew how much of it the responder put together with its own special brand of malignant jealousy or whatever the christ it was tainting the whole thing. It wasnt what i wanted and it wasnt what id been waiting for.   
GT: So i thought maybe id get another chance and i decided i wanted to take it.   
GT: You can call that petty if you like but i dont think i agree.   
CG: NO, IT IS.   
CG: I DON'T BLAME YOU, EXACTLY. I USED TO FEEL THAT WAY, TOO. HELL, SOMETIMES I STILL DO.   
GT: ...You do?   
CG: ...  
GT: But you and dave are so...? Hum.   
CG: NO, SHUT UP.   
CG: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE THINKING UP TO FOLLOW THAT HORRIFYING INTRODUCTION TO YOUR DEEPEST IMAGININGS ABOUT THE NATURE AND SPECIFICS OF MY PERSONAL AND VERY PRIVATE ENDEAVORS.  
CG: ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT SOMEONE TO SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET, AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE HEAD OVER HEELS FOR A RIDICULOUSLY RECALCITRANT PIECE OF SHIT!  
CG: THE KIND THAT BARRING SOME SORT OF OUTSIDE INFLUENCE WILL JUST NEVER GET UP THE GUMPTION OR MUSTER THE SELF CONFIDENCE TO MOVE FIRST EVEN *WITH* POINTED AND ENTHUSIASTIC FUCKING PERMISSION!   
CG: I GET IT, OK?  
CG: I GET HOW INFURIATING IT IS TO KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO HE'LL NEVER MAKE EVEN THE MOST MINISCULE MOVE IN YOUR DIRECTION WITHOUT YOU ROLLING OUT THE RED FUCKING CARPET AND PRACTICALLY BEGGING ON IT, FIRST.   
CG: AND I *ALSO* KNOW ALL ABOUT HOW THE WAYS IN WHICH THEY ACTUALLY *SHOW* SOMETHING LIKE AFFECTION ARE FUCKING WEIRD AND PERPLEXING AND SORT OF OFFPUTTING SOMETIMES!  
AND I KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM ASSUMING THE WORST BOTH FROM THE THINGS YOU SAY AND THE THINGS YOU DON'T, AND HOW EXHAUSTING IT CAN BE TO REASSURE THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN ABOUT THINGS THAT SEEM EXCEPTIONALLY, EXCRUCIATINGLY OBVIOUS TO YOU!  
CG: BUT I GUESS I KNEW IT WAS ON ME TO DECIDE AFTER A CERTAIN POINT IF THE CATHARTIC PICTURE PERFECT NOVELESQUE CULMINATION OF YEARS' WORTH OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I KNEW WAS NEVER COMING WAS TOO IMPORTANT TO GO WITHOUT, OR IF I COULD SOMEHOW STOMACH JUST ACCEPTING HIS NERVOUS, FIDGETY, ABSOLUTELY OPAQUELY IDIOTIC OVERTURES FOR WHAT I FUCKING KNEW THEY WERE.  
GT: ...  
CG: AND IT WAS HORRIBLE AT FIRST, TOO.  
CG: IT WAS AWKWARD AND FRUSTRATING AND INFURIATING AND I WANTED TO KILL HIM ROUGHLY AS OFTEN AS I WANTED TO ... UH  
GT: Kiss him?   
CG: ... AND SOME OF IT WAS WORK, LEARNING HOW TO SEE THE THINGS HE WAS REALLY SAYING IN THE THINGS HE SAID, AND THE THINGS HE WAS TRYING TO SAY WITH THE THINGS HE DID.   
CG: A LOT OF IT WAS OBVIOUS, BUT SOME OF IT WASN'T, AND THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I'D LET MYSELF GET ALL FUCKING EXISTENTIAL ABOUT HOW MY IMAGINARY IDEAL MATESPRIT WAITING OUT THERE FOR ME WOULD NEVER HIDE EVERYTHING I WANTED OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP UNDER SIX FUCKING LAYERS OF SHIT I HATE!  
GT: But...?  
CG: YEAH, BUT.  
CG: BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK, I THINK THE WAY I EXPECTED IT ALL TO BE WAS JUST AS WEIRD AND FOREIGN AND UNAPPEALING TO HIM AS HIS SHIT WAS TO ME, AND I KNOW THAT THE ONLY REASON I WAS SO SHITTY ABOUT HIS WAY OF EXPRESSING THINGS AT FIRST IS BECAUSE IT WASN'T EXACTLY HOW I WANTED HIM TO ACT.  
CG: AND I KNOW I CAN'T SPEAK FOR HIM WITH THE SAME AUTHORITY THAT I CAN SPEAK FOR MYSELF WITH, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WORKED THE OTHER WAY AROUND, TOO.  
GT: That sounds... hard. To deal with i mean.  
CG: LOOK.  
CG: IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHATEVER YOU AND DIRK HAVE. I KNOW THAT. DAVE AND I NEVER HAD ANYTHING BUT A BLISTERINGLY CONTENTIOUS RELATIONSHIP UP TO OUR ACTUALLY MEETING IN PERSON, AND FROM MY PERSPECTIVE THAT WASN'T REALLY A VERY LONG TIME, BUT FROM *HIS* PERSPECTIVE, I HAD BEEN A COMPLETELY DOUCHEWAD TO HIM BASICALLY HIS ENTIRE LIFE.   
CG: WHICH I GUESS IS PART OF WHY I FIND YOU SO FRUSTRATING????!  
CG: THE SHIT GOING ON BETWEEN YOU COULD BE SOLVED WITH ONE CONVERSATION!  
CG: I MEAN, IT'S ONE YOU'D HAVE TO HAVE AGAIN NOW AND THEN, BUT ESSENTIALLY, IT WOULD BE JUST REMINDING EACH OTHER OF THIS SAME SHIT!   
CG: THAT YOUR WAY OF EXPRESSING THINGS IS DIFFERENT, AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK TO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING BEHIND WORDS AND ACTIONS YOU INITIALLY MIGHT FIND GODDAMN MYSTIFYING, OR ANNOYING, OR WHATEVER. AND OTHER TIMES YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE WORDS AND ACTIONS YOU NORMALLY NEVER WOULD, TOO!  
CG: AND SO IS HE! IT'S NOT A ONE WAY STREET!  
CG: BUT YOU CAN'T JUST HOLD OUT FOREVER TALKING PAST EACH OTHER IN YOUR OWN ENORMOUSLY DOUCHETASTIC WAYS PRETENDING YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, AND IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONE BETTER EQUIPPED TO SAY HEY, ASSHOLE, WHY DON'T YOU STOP FUCKING FIDGETING OVER THERE AND ACTING ALL BESOTTED BEHIND EIGHTEEN LEVELS OF ABSOLUTELY TRANSPARENT IRONY AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME, YOU SHOULD FUCKING DO IT.   
CG: YOU DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T JUST WATCH THAT FOR A YEAR, FLIRTING OBVIOUSLY WHILE REFUSING TO TALK HONESTLY, THINKING OH WELL THIS TIME SURELY HE'LL GET THE IDEA AND FIND THE WORDS I WANT TO HEAR!  
CG: SOMEONE HAS TO INITIATE THAT SHIT, OK?  
CG: IT CAN'T GO ANYWHERE IF IT NEVER GETS STARTED AT ALL!  
CG: BESIDES, YOU CAN ALWAYS TEACH HIM HOW TO SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET LATER, ONCE YOU'VE HANDLED THE FUCKING BASICS.   
GT: ...Heh.   
GT: Can you now really.   
CG: I'M NOT GIVING YOU A SINGLE DETAIL.   
GT: But i want to know.   
CG: ALL I'M GOING TO TELL YOU IS THIS ONE SUPER FUCKING OBVIOUS THING, AND THEN WE'RE NEVER TALKING ABOUT THIS OR ACKNOWLEDGING THIS CONVERSATION EVER AGAIN.  
GT: Just one thing eh?   
CG: YEP.   
GT: Well.   
GT: Lets hear it, then.   
CG: JUST THAT IT'S ABSOLUTELY WORTH THE WORK.   
GT: Hm.   
CG: NO, THAT'S IT.   
CG: THAT'S ALL OF IT. I NEVER WANT TO EVEN HEAR A WHISPER OF A REFERENCE TO THE FACT THAT I JUST TYPED ALL THAT SHIT OUT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?   
GT: Oh I understand you alright.   
CG: I'M SERIOUS!  
GT: Eheh.   
GT: The thing is i dont think youre even saying anything i dont know.   
GT: But i guess sometimes knowing somethings true is only half the battle?   
CG: WILL YOU AT LEAST PROMISE TO THINK ABOUT IT.   
GT: Karkat honestly.  
GT: This shit is all im going to be thinking about until its solved one way or the other believe me.   
CG: RIGHT.   
GT: Do you think i should find him now?   
GT: Or wait for all of this to settle down some?  
GT: I was thinking maybe a little settling might do this situation a world of good myself but now im not so sure.  
CG: OH NO.   
GT: What?  
CG: I'M NOT GIVING YOU A GODDAMN HANDY LIST OF STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS, JAKE, GOD DAMN IT  
CG: DO WHATEVER FEELS RIGHT.   
GT: But how am i supposed to know what that is when i feel a bunch of conflicting nonsense?!  
CG: FIGURE IT OUT.   
GT: Like its so easy!  
CG: NO, I KNOW IT'S NOT.   
CG: DO IT ANYWAY.   
GT: ...   
GT: Well that feels a little bit final now doesnt it?   
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO BLOCK ME AGAIN?  
GT: No.   
CG: OH, GOOD.   
GT: But i might sit here and sulk at you for awhile if thats alright.   
CG: SURE, WHY NOT.   
CG: NOT LIKE I WAS REALISTICALLY GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT, ANYWAY.   
GT: Thats the spirit.   
CG: SHUT UP. THAT ISN'T SULK, THAT'S SASS, AND IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SASS ME LET ME TELL YOU I GET ENOUGH OF THAT AT HOME!  
GT: What can i say karkat?  
GT: Im a man of many talents.   
GT: Many many talents indeed.   
CG: JAKE.   
GT: Ok look.   
GT: Do you think theres any chance whatsoever that he might come after me?  
CG: ...  
GT: Even a little bit of one.   
GT: The tiniest little sliver of probability come on karkat!  
CG: I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE HOW LONG THIS NIGHT IS GOING TO BE.  
GT: Its an honest question!  
CG: IN-FUCKING-CREDIBLE.  


* 

"Isn’t this cozy," Jane said, looking from Dirk to Roxy and back again with narrowed eyes. "Imagine this: You have two best friends. One of them tells you she is going to bed, because she is exhausted and can’t possibly involve herself in any more secretive goings-on tonight, and you believe her, so you provide her a room and resolve to leave her alone until morning." 

"Jane," Roxy groaned, but all Jane did was hold up a finger, her expression solidifying into something even more stony. Brutal. 

"The _other_ ," she began, and Dirk took a deep breath, steeling himself. "He tells you that of _course_ he isn’t keeping things from you that he’s told a certain somebody else, and assures you that he’ll speak to you first thing when he’s ready. And you, silly trusting twit that you are, actually believe him, too. Can you imagine!" 

"I _did_ go to bed," Roxy said. Her tone was sullen and sour. "It’s not like I thought to myself, hell, I’m gonna lie to Jane about this for the fun of it, see what happens. It’s not like that." Roxy gestured at herself, her sodden pajamas, her dripping wet hair. "I mean, fuck, Jane, look at me! Do I look like I fuckin’ planned this?" 

Dirk watched Jane’s jaw tighten. Her fingers tapped an agitated rhythm against her arms. Dirk cleared this throat, and her gaze swung back to him, brows crinkling together. 

"She’s only been here, like, ten minutes. Tops." He needed Jane to understand. "And most of that was just us yelling at each other, so I mean, if you want to get in on that too, that’s understandable, but --" 

"--This isn’t like, some big anti-Jane fuckin’ conspiracy, or whatever --" 

"Oh, so now I’m just paranoid!" Jane flung her arms open, gesturing around as though the entire veranda were evidence to the contrary. "Stupid prickly oversensitive Jane, always seeing the worst in a situation, isn’t that right?" 

"I didn’t say that!" 

"Of course not. Implying it with just enough plausible deniability to wriggle out of the accusation if I chose to make it, which I _do_ , is so much easier, isn’t it?" 

"You’re putting words in all our mouths, and it’s not fucking fair!" Roxy stood up, her chair scraping back, and Dirk winced in his seat. Sitting between them while they yelled back and forth wasn’t a super attractive option, but standing up felt a little aggressive. Roxy certainly meant it that way. She leaned over the table with one hand on the edge and shook her finger at Jane. "Some of the shit that’s gone on tonight we’ve gone out of our way to leave you out of, that’s true! Okay? Clearly, you’ve figured some of it out, and good for you, but the way you’re reacting to it all isn’t exactly making me regret trying to keep it on the downlow, here?" 

"So what am I supposed to do? Hm? Come crawling in on my belly, begging to be included in my friend’s lives, swearing all sorts of oaths and promises that I won’t react badly to whatever you’re up to, no matter what sort of mean spirited, sabotaging nonsense it might be --" 

"What?" Roxy gaped at her. "Mean spirited and sabotaging _what?_ What are you _talking_ about?" 

"I just spoke with those nice troll gentlemen not five minutes ago," Jane snapped right back. "They said that _you_ suggested they ask me for a room, together, Roxy, and the second they mentioned you by name I knew -- I just knew right down to my bones what must have happened! You sabotaged poor Dirk, didn’t you?" 

They just stared at her, him and Roxy both. Jane sniffed at them. "You decided to play little miss matchmaker for that nice bronze-eyed fellow with the curly hair. That highblood gentleman he was with, _goodness_ , Dirk, I can’t blame you for being upset, that is just so unfair. I mean," her cheeks blotched with color, "Not that you aren’t --" 

"Oh my god," Roxy groaned, deflating, sinking down at the waist until her forehead was all but pressed against the table. "Jane, _no._ " 

"You’ve really gotta stop," Dirk agreed. His face felt hot, too. He rubbed his hands over his eyes. Where to even fucking begin. "Look, okay, hold on. Roxy didn’t sabotage anything." 

Jane went back to folding her arms, and this time she pressed her lips tight together, too. "Explain," she said, voice flat. 

"Firstly, you’ve got the wrong guy." 

Roxy snorted. "Yeah, that’s what matters, here. Uh huh. That fuckin’ ego. Jane’s just gotta know you only consider getting fresh with the absolute _hottest_ trolls --" 

" _No_ , god damn it, Roxy, I just needed a place to start --" 

"You were with _him?_ " Jane’s wide eyes pinned him down, and he faltered, his words dissolving into a few embarrassed coughs into his hands. 

"He sure was," Roxy put in for him, straightening at last. She put her hands on her hips. "The tall handsome blue one. Name’s Ellius. And his cute curly haired friend wasn’t anyone I brought in to sabotage nothin’. You can blame Jake for that one, thank you very much, but I’m glad you think I’d do something like that, Jane, real good to know!" 

"But," Jane said, sounding dazed. "That doesn’t make sense. Jake? Jake was _here?_ " 

"Not ten minutes ago, give or take," Roxy said. "Practically hauling that poor bronze boy with him by the horns." 

"It wasn’t like that," Dirk said, automatically. Roxy smacked the back of his head. He scooted his chair out of her reach. 

"It was pretty much exactly like that," Roxy insisted. "I was watching the whole damn thing." 

"Look," Dirk stood, finally, and took a deep breath. They fixed him with twin expressions, eyebrows slightly arched, looking wholly unimpressed. He looked down. "Okay. It was a little bit like that, okay? A little bit. Jake was here. He’s the one who would have been doing the sabotaging, if there had been anything _to_ sabotage, which there _wasn’t_ , because Ellius and I had just been talking about how there was just no way anything between us was going to work! Because we were both so fucking hung up on someone else! All right? In the end, the only ones who fuckin’ sabotaged anything were our own damn selves, as fucking usual. Can we stop pointing fingers at each other, please? This is so fucking embarrassing, come on." 

"And I wouldn’t have anyway," Roxy put in, glaring meaningfully at Jane. "Just because I wanted to know what was going on doesn’t mean I wanted to _stop_ it. Dirk can make his own damn decisions, you think I don’t know that?" 

Jane just looked at her. Her lip quivered, just slightly, and Dirk’s stomach fell right through to the floor. If she started crying, he had no idea what he was going to do. But instead, she straightened up, lifted her chin, and sucked in a deep breath, nostrils flaring. 

"I think I know perfectly well what what side of this whole issue you’ve been on from the beginning," Jane said, quietly. "I let that make me think the worst of you, and apparently I was wrong. So. I apologize." 

"... Fine," Roxy muttered. "Sure." 

"You’re soaked to the bone and look like hell, and I would very much like to have a few words with Dirk," Jane continued, distressingly even toned. "So, if you wouldn’t mind --" 

Roxy waved her off. "I know when I’m being dismissed," she said, and Dirk thought she meant it as a joke, but given the circumstances it came out a little harsh, and they all flinched together and let it hang there unremarked upon for a few beats of uncomfortable silence. Roxy coughed. She met Dirk’s eyes, shooting him a significant look, and then she shrugged and hopped up into the air, floating a few inches over the floor. "I’m gone," she said, and then she spun and darted off into the rain.  
Dirk and Jane both watched in silence until the night and the weather swallowed her whole, and even then they both pretended they still still see her for a little bit longer, putting off the inevitable. 

Then Jane heaved a great big sigh, brushed past him, and sank heavily into the other chair. "You might as well sit," she said, gesturing at the chair he’d been sitting in previously. 

He sat. He hunched his shoulders and murmured a non-response, eyes flicking up to study her expression. 

She was still dressed up, stunning in her Crocker crimson. She had her no-nonsense uniform on, blazer and blouse and two strings of marble-sized pearls strung around her neck. Her hands were folded on the table, she had one eyebrow quirked at him in stern expectation, and she just looked so goddamn fucking _capable_ that for a second, for one real ass honest second, he considered flinging himself and all his stupid fucking problems at her feet and begging her to fix them. 

But -- God, no. She was still Jane. And he loved Jane. But she wasn’t fixing any of _that._

"Sorry about your party," he said, gesturing nebulously around them, where the rain was still falling in sheets, flooding the courtyard. "Real shit luck." He wasn’t about to tell her Roxy’s theory. Or Rose’s, or Callie’s, or whoever it was that had pinned Jake as the cause. And everything that had just gone down _with_ Roxy… better not to jump right into tackling that. Too fresh. 

Jane pursed her lips. "It is what it is," she said, shrugging one shoulder, but the tightness in her expression didn’t fade. "It can’t be helped, and there’s no scolding the weather!" She made this an attempt at levity, and for courtesy’s sake, Dirk forced out a lame and fake and totally transparent douche chuckle. Her lips twitched into a grateful smile, and a tiny little bit of the tension between them drained off. Dirk sighed. Better to just get right down to it. 

"You’re going to ask about Jake, right?" 

She blinked. A flash of something lit her eyes and faded, quick as it had come. Guilt or surprise or both. Whatever. She cleared her throat and sat straighter in her chair. "Believe it or not, Dirk, I was actually planning to fuss all over _you_." 

"Oh." He leaned back. "You don’t have to do that. I mean, you probably have about six billion things left to do tonight, you don’t need to babysit me. I’m done for the night. I’ll behave." 

"Oh, come on." She shook a finger at him. "Babysitting, really? Is it so unbelievable that I might want to fuss over you for reasons that aren’t inherently tied to your chronic inability to take care of yourself?" 

"Hey now, I do all right."  
"And as for the six billion things, well, I can delegate." 

"Right. A critical skill, for a woman in your position." 

She _tsked_ at him. "You’re making fun of me." 

"I’d never." 

"Well, you’re absolutely right. It is a critical skill! And frankly, Dirk, I might have had… well, a few of the details mixed up, apparently, but it doesn’t take a hard boiled dick to decipher the look on your face right now, and --" 

He _tried_ to disguise his startled laughter as an ill timed bout of coughing, he really did. He turned his face away and covered his mouth, but Jane heaved a much bereaved sigh and he knew he wasn’t fooling anyone. "Yes, Dirk, I know. I heard it." 

"Can we not just say, like, detective? Sleuth? Gumshoe, I have it on good authority you’re fond of that one." 

She waved dismissively, but the spots of color on her cheeks said everything. She shook her head. "Listen," she said. "What matters is that, well, your… date, I suppose, didn’t end as well as it might have, and regardless of who was sabotaging what, that’s sad, and I’m sad for you! And if you wanted to talk about that, I wanted to be here to listen, because I think you should have someone that you can talk about that sort of thing to. Someone who won’t keep pushing you in a certain direction…" 

"Jane," Dirk said, trying his best to keep his tone gentle. She meant well, she really did. "Away from Jake is still a direction." 

She sniffed at him, her gaze sliding guiltily away. "Someone with a different perspective, then," she amended. "Gosh darn it, Dirk, I didn’t come here to talk about _Jake_ , I swear I didn’t. I told myself, in fact, that I’d do all I could to avoid the subject entirely, and just keep this about you and that date of yours, but we just can’t do that, can we?" 

"Apparently not." 

"Considering Jake is the very one who set the whole thing off kilter!" 

Dirk shrugged. He’d already explained it, and she clearly hadn’t been listening. He wasn’t going to go through it all again. Jane frowned at him. 

"Where did he go?" 

"How the fuck should I know?" 

She wrinkled her nose, and he immediately felt bad. He hunched over, again, closing his eyes. 

"Sorry. I -- sorry. I don’t know. I wish I did. Back to the atrium, maybe, that’s where he was before. Apparently." 

"You said you were done for the night, but…" 

Dirk opened his eyes. She was looking right at him, and her expression was just… sad. "But, what." 

"You’re going to go after him, aren’t you?" 

"I don’t know," he said, and it was the truth. She sighed again, propping one elbow on the table. She leaned heavily into her palm, her whole body slumping forward. With less poise in her posture, she just looked… tired. Her hair was damp, just starting to curl at the edges. There was a smear of mud on her elbow she’d probably be furious to find, later. 

Guilt crept in, familiar as anything. 

"Look,” he said, fidgeting in his seat. He flexed his fingers. Tried not to look off in the direction Jake had gone. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, Jane, I just -- I seriously don’t _know._ Okay? I feel like maybe I had a window, like, fifteen minutes ago, when it was all fresh and I might have caught him before he got wherever he was going and, I don’t know. Shit. I know I keep saying that. And, like, I know that it’s not exactly what you’re hoping to hear, but you know, we both said some shit I think we’re deeply regretting, right now, and seeing me might be the last thing he wants or needs right now, and, fuck, Jane, what’s best for me? You think I know that?" He laughed, sounding more than a little manic, and she just looked impassively at him over the table, not reacting at all. "You think I’ve _ever_ known that? You know I never have." 

Jane reached across the table and took his wrist in her hand, and squeezed, gently. He swallowed, again. They just sat there like that for awhile, listening to the rain. 

Eventually, there was a rumble of thunder, the first there’d been since Jake had taken off into the night. Dirk looked up. His guts all soured in his belly. What did that mean? 

"Just tell me one thing," Jane said, heedless of the thunder and whatever deeper meaning it might have had. "Did you ever even give him a chance?" 

"I… what?" 

"That troll boy. Do you think you ever will?" 

"I mean, I…" He frowned at her. "What do you mean?" 

"What I mean, Dirk, is… well, are you _ever_ going to allow yourself to so entertain the idea that perhaps some day, eventually, you might find happiness in the arms of someone who isn’t named Jake English?" 

She was blushing, again. He stared at her. "Are you, like… upset with me? Because it didn’t work out with Ellius?" 

"No!" 

"Or because I’m worried about what Jake is doing and thinking, right now? Are you mad at me for that?" 

She ground her teeth. "No, I am not mad at you! I am _sad_ for you! And for me! And for every other person out there who has ever had their heart broken by Jake English, whether he realizes it or not!" 

Oh. He stared at her. The rain was pounding down again, now, lit by little flashes of lightning. His stomach squirmed. Something was going on, there. He couldn’t think about that and Jane at the same time. 

Jane sighed. She pulled her hands back and tucked them under her arms, shaking her head. "Do you remember when we promised ourselves that we were one hundred percent over his wily charms, forever?" 

"Of course I remember." 

"Well, we were idiots. Then and now. As much as I wish it worked that way, believe me, just -- _boop_ , switch it right off, no more emotional unpleasantness." 

"So you’re saying… _you_ still have feelings for him?" His stomach felt full of snakes. 

"Not exactly, no." She couldn’t quite meet his eyes, though. "I’m just saying, it’s hard to move on. It feels almost pointless in a way, in fact." She raised a hand to her forehead and leaned heavily on it, sighing. "How do I explain, without sounding just --? Listen. Even the most long lived troll doesn’t live _forever._ And humans? It’s too depressing to even think about! And I feel sometimes that you and I should talk more about it, because it could be that you’re the only one here that really understands it, but every time I think it’s a good time it just becomes more and more obvious that you never intend to even try. And that’s your choice, I suppose. But I don’t want that to be _my_ choice! I don’t want to _never…_ " 

She dropped her hand. Shook her head. He wished he knew what to say. 

"...So when I see you like this," she continued, "I feel bad for you, because you’re my friend. And I want to fix it, yes, and it is frustrating that I can’t, and all those less charitable things you’ll accuse me of are probably true too, but on top of all that, Dirk, I just feel… lonely." 

"...I’m sorry," he said. 

"I’m not trying to guilt you into changing your entire outlook. I swear I’m not." 

He believed her -- at least half believed her -- but it didn’t stop the guilt from flooding in. "I wouldn’t even know what to do without him," he said, miserably. He couldn’t look too hard at anything she’d said. It was too fucking real, and he didn’t want to think about any of that shit. Especially not right then. Some friend he was. 

"Well, you love him," she said, and he jerked back like she’d burned him. She didn’t seem to notice. "Believe me, I know." 

"God, you know, a bunch of people have danced around that shit at me today, but I think you’re the first one to actually go right there," he said. "Christ." 

She shot him a hurt look. "I know this may surprise you, but I don’t actually monitor your other conversations. I have no idea what anyone else is telling you." 

"I know.” He took a deep breath. “God. I know, sorry. Look, Jane, it’s just been a long day." 

"Well, there’s something we can agree on," she said. Her voice was perfectly neutral. He squinted at her. "I worry about you," she went on, waving absently. "Spending all your time with him, practically alone on that island." 

"We’re friends," he said. "I mean, Jesus. Are we not allowed to be friends?" 

"I didn’t say that." She stood up, her chair scraping backward. "I just said that I worry, Dirk, that’s all." 

"Well, fuck, _don’t_." 

She stiffened, and for a second he thought she was going to let him have it. He almost definitely deserved it. Instead, he watched her suck in a breath and open her mouth, and the whole world around them lit up like someone had clicked the sun on with a lightswitch. 

There was a moment, while he was bringing his hand up over his eyes and flinching away from the flash, that he actually thought Jane had done it, somehow. That she’d been so mad at him in that second that her feelings had spun the world around on its axis and now it was daytime, again. 

But that was stupid. The only one of them _that_ powerful was Jake. 

The thunder that followed that daylight flash was so loud, so sharp, and so _shocking_ that Jane moved on instinct, covering her head with her hands and flinging herself further under the eaves like the meager shelter could protect her. One of her pointed heels caught in a gap between the wooden planks, and Dirk leapt out of his chair and caught her halfway toward her ignoble destination.

The thunder rolled by, echoing into nothing, but Jane didn’t let him go. Instead, she tightened her arms around him, curled her fingers into the back of his shirt, and pressed her face into his shoulder with a tiny, almost inaudible little sob. 

It took him just a heartbeat longer than it should have to remember he was allowed to reciprocate things like this, usually. He squeezed her back, awkwardly. 

"This isn’t good for either of us," she said, finally, quietly, voice thick. She let him go, and they both took a step back. She wiped her eyes, and then wiped her fingers on her skirt. "Not right now. We’ll talk later, once we’ve had some time to simmer down." 

"Sure," he replied, dully, listening to the rain come down. 

“All right, then.” She swept by him, squeezing his shoulder as she passed, taking some of the sting out of it in a way he definitely didn’t deserve. “Good night, Dirk.” A brief hesitation. “Please try to get some rest.” He listened to the sound of her footsteps retreating, the door clicking shut, the electric sizzle as the string lights wound around he veranda powered off. 

And to the rain.

And to his phone, vibrating on the table. 

He picked it up, mostly out of habit, and he nearly dropped the thing when it buzzed in his hand. Someone sending a bunch of messages. Probably Dave. 

But when he swiped the notification window down, it wasn’t that familiar auto responder red he’d used to dread seeing, and now found so … well. Brave new world. 

He swore, softly.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 21:47 --  
  
TT: That was quite a show, wasn’t it? You don’t have to answer. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.  
TT: I think I need a minute, after that.  
TT: I also think you should go to the atrium.  
TT: I’d say it was just a feeling, but we both know it’s not that simple.  
TT: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go lie the hell down.  
TT: Good night, Dirk. And good luck.  



	10. I kind of have a confession to make.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 21:06 --  
  
TG: are you still talking to him   
TG: hows it going  
TG: anything getting through at all  
TG: you should be charging for this karkat i mean we all know english is totally loaded  
TG: somehow  
TG: temple offerings from lusty sycophants no doubt  
TG: all in line to worship at the altar of hope but really we all know theyre just there to celebrate that ass  
TG: open secret  
TG: what do you think karkat is it gonna work out or do i need to steel myself to console dirk while hes in the throes of whatever absolutely wretched heartbreak that not working out will undoubtedly lead to  
TG: god  
TG: please say its gonna work out i dont want to do that   
TG: sounds astronomically shitty  
TG: im not sure im even capable like what am i gonna say  
TG: hey bro sorry about that whole deal with the love of your life or whatever thats pretty rough  
TG: good thing we have like all of eternity for you to ruminate on what you could have done differently because god knows its dirk and thats exactly what hell do forever  
CG: DAVE, GOD DAMN IT  
TG: am i right or am i right though  
CG: I SAID NO DISTRACTIONS!  
TG: true but counterpoint:  
TG: you didnt HAVE to answer me  
CG: RRGH  
TG: but here you are  
TG: so while youre here anyway  
TG: whats up man hows it going over there  
TG: making any progress  
CG: NO!  
TG: shit  
TG: seriously?  
CG: WELL  
TG: well?  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE?!  
CG: IT'S HARD TO SAY.   
TG: thats not exactly instilling me with a great sense of confidence here  
CG: IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO! I MEAN... FUCK!  
CG: I THINK HE UNDERSTANDS HOW IT ALL GOT TO THIS POINT, AT LEAST?  
CG: AND I THINK HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT HE SHOULD DO NOW, IF HE'S INTERESTED IN SALVAGING ANYTHING OUT OF IT, AND I THINK HE IS.  
CG: BUT I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL DO IT! HE'S A SLIPPERY LITTLE SLITHERBEAST, OK? HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO HEAR, AND HE'S GOOD AT SAYING *ALMOST* EXACTLY THAT, IN WAYS CALCULATED TO MAKE ME LAY OFF HIM WHILE ALSO NOT QUITE COMMITTING TO DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE ABOUT THE SITUATION!  
TG: man  
TG: i wish had those powers  
CG: GOD, NO.  
CG: I'M SO FUCKING GLAD THAT YOU DEFINITIVELY DO NOT.   
CG: YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH TO PARSE SOMETIMES WITHOUT THEM, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!  
TG: lol  
TG: karkat you gotta stop making your threats sound like promises man  
CG: OH, DO I?   
TG: well...  
CG: DO I, REALLY?   
TG: i mean  
CG: BECAUSE I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU FOUND QUESTIONABLE THREAT-LIKE PROMISES FAIRLY ENJOYABLE, BUT MAYBE THAT WAS ANOTHER CASE OF YOUR DAMNABLE INSCRUTABILITY???   
TG: if its intentional thats another story completely  
CG: HONESTLY, I THINK WE'RE JUST TALKING IN CIRCLES, NOW.   
TG: you and jake  
CG: YEAH.   
TG: are you giving up  
CG: IT'S NOT "GIVING UP!" IT'S JUST WAITING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT BEFORE I CONTINUE FLAPPING MY EXHAUSTED GUMS AT HIM, USELESSLY, FOREVER. THERE IS ONLY SO LONG THAT EVEN I CAN RELENTLESSLY EXPOUND UPON A SINGLE POINT!  
TG: the elusive karkat limit  
TG: discovered at last  
TG: he should write a paper and continue his streak of sexy scientific breakthroughs  
CG: I KNOW I'VE ASKED YOU THIS BEFORE, BUT SERIOUSLY: DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF?  
TG: yeah i do and frankly i stand by it  
CG: GOD, YOU'RE ALL EXHAUSTING. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, IN YOUR OWN SPECIAL, UNIQUELY INFURIATING WAYS.   
TG: you love us though  
CG: UGH  
TG: all part of our charm  
CG: NO  
TG: dont deny it karkat  
CG: LOOK  
TG: arent you the one thats always saying we need to find more productive ways to express our emotions and shit  
CG: OH FUCK NO! YOU DON'T GET TO LECTURE ME ABOUT THAT, ABSOLUTELY NOT!   
TG: hey karkat  
CG: WHAT???   
TG: im feeling a bunch of emotions i need to productively express at you  
CG: ...   
TG: if you know what i mean  
CG: OH, GOD. NEVER ADD THAT PHRASE ONTO YOUR ALREADY HALF ASSED ATTEMPTS TO LURE ME INTO CONCUPISCENT ACTIVITIES, YOU SOUND LIKE SUCH A DOUCHE  
TG: says the guy literally using the phrase "concupiscent activities" karkat oh my god  
CG: WHAT?!  
CG: DON'T LAUGH AT ME, I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING! IT'S NOT FUNNY!  
TG: its fucking hilarious actually  
CG: STOP YOUR IMPUDENT GIGGLING IMMEDIATELY!  
TG: if youre so bent out of shape about it why dont you make me  
CG: FFFF........OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE!   
CG: FINE, DAVE!  
CG: MAYBE I WILL!!!  
TG: unless youd rather keep talking in circles with kid grandpa all night  
CG: YEAH, NO.   
TG: gotta push him out of the nest sometime man  
TG: see if he flies or crashes and burns  
TG: either way the situation is gonna be there for us to deal with tomorrow  
CG: YEAH...   
CG: HEY.   
TG: uh oh  
TG: "hey" whats that hey what  
CG: WE WERE NEVER THIS BAD, WERE WE??   
TG: uhhhh lol   
TG: i dont know dude we were pretty bad  
TG: or at least i was  
TG: i mean i dont know if i was quite as bad as dirk because he has insecurity and self loathing down to a fuckin exact science in ways that i feel i could only dream of  
TG: i know youre like... best friends with jake now or something but   
TG: eh  
TG: fuck  
TG: i dont know  
CG: NO, FINISH THAT THOUGHT. BUT WHAT?  
TG: i was just thinking maybe some exposure to your exact brand of belligerent therapy shouting would be good for dirk to hear too sometimes  
TG: but thats putting a lot on you   
TG: i just dont know how much help i am really  
TG: i cant really... i mean most of our interactions are like wrapped in fifteen layers of irony with the mutual understanding that theres a nugget of sincerity somewhere deep down and were not allowed to talk about it or acknowledge it because idk theres rules  
CG: THOSE "RULES" ARE JUST SOME BULLSHIT THAT YOU MADE UP SO IT WOULD BE HARDER FOR PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.   
TG: haha oh no my feelings  
TG: so tender and fragile  
CG: SHUT UP. NO ONE LIKES TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS HURT, DUMBASS.  
TG: you calling me a dumbass hurts my feelings karkat  
CG: NO, IT DOESN'T.   
CG: DIRK REJECTING A GENUINE OFFER OF EMOTIONAL SINCERITY FROM YOU, OR WORSE, LAUGHING AT YOU FOR PRESUMING HE COULD EVER WANT YOU TO OFFER IT OR WOULD IN ANY WAY EVER ACCEPT IT SURE WOULD, THOUGH.   
TG: ...   
CG: THE FUNNY THING IS, WE ALL KNOW HE STRUGGLES WITH THE EXACT SAME DILEMMA, ONLY WITH YOU DOING THE THEORETICAL LAUGHING IN HIS FACE!   
CG: IT'S RIDICULOUS!   
CG: JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER!  
TG: i did talk with him  
TG: today i mean  
TG: and i didnt make up those rules karkat technically he did  
CG: YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE. HE'S NOT THAT SAME GUY.   
TG: yeah...  
TG: i do know that  
TG: i think it was an all right talk  
TG: i mean we said some shit that i thought was pretty real overall  
CG: AND DID HE LAUGH AT YOU?  
TG: no  
CG: AND YOU DIDN'T BURST INTO FLAMES OR OTHERWISE DIE ON THE SPOT???  
TG: pretty sure we made it out ok  
CG: SO?   
TG: ... so what  
CG: AT THE RISK OF SCARING YOU OFF TONIGHT PERMANENTLY, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?   
TG: weird  
CG: WEIRD.   
TG: yeah i feel weird about it  
TG: but not in a bad way  
TG: i think eventually the big scary stupid feelings i have about it all will coalesce into something overall positive i mean thats how it usually goes  
CG: HMM.   
TG: can i stop talking about this now  
CG: ONE MORE THING.   
TG: fuck  
CG: I'M NOT SAYING THAT EVERY CONVERSATION AND INTERACTION YOU HAVE WITH THAT GUY HAS TO BE LIKE THAT. UNCOMFORTABLE OR I GUESS "REAL" AS YOU SO HELPFULLY PHRASE IT. BUT I COULD YELL AT HIM UNTIL THE INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH OF THIS SHINY NEW UNIVERSE, AND IT WOULDN'T DO NEAR AS MUCH GOOD AS EVEN ONE TINY LITTLE EXCHANGE OF GENUINE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.  
CG: SO I GUESS ULTIMATELY WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT I'LL HELP HOWEVER I CAN, BECAUSE I KNOW THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, BUT REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS WITH DIRK AND JAKE TONIGHT OR TOMORROW OR TEN THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW, YOU'RE STILL GOING TO BE IMPORTANT TO HIM IN WAYS THAT JAKE AND I ARE ONLY VAGUELY TANGENTIAL TO.   
CG: THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR ONE ANOTHER IS TO *TALK* EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE! AND LET YOURSELVES HAVE WHATEVER ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP YOU WANTED WITH THOSE OTHER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES WITH *EACH OTHER*, BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS TO ANYONE EVEN CASUALLY OBSERVING THE SITUATION THAT IT'S WHAT YOU BOTH WANT AND ON SOME LEVEL, PROBABLY NEED?   
TG: ...   
TG: do you really think im that important to him?  
CG: DO YOU HONESTLY SOMEHOW NOT???   
CG: DAVE.   
TG: ugh i know  
TG: i know  
TG: im just  
TG: ready to not be talking about this anymore  
CG: OK.   
TG: thanks  
CG: SURE.   
CG: UH... HM.   
TG: ?   
CG: DO YOU... UM, DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO...?   
CG: IT'S OK IF YOU DON'T! I CAN SLEEP OUT HERE IF YOU WANT TO BE ALONE. TO THINK, OR WHATEVER, WITHOUT ME MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.   
TG: karkat god damn it  
TG: literally the only thing i want to think about for the entire rest of this exhausting and confusing night is how fucking lucky i am to have you  
TG: partially because youre constantly wrestling down my shit with me before it gets to be too much to handle and id probably be even more of a huge mess without your help  
TG: but also partially becauuuussse   
CG: OK NO, WHATEVER YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY, DON'T SAY IT!  
TG: i like your weird alien dick  
CG: NO!!!! I SAID DON'T FUCKING SAY IT, DAVE!  
TG: and all of the rest of you to be fair but its hard to beat a prehensile pleasure tentacle getting all up and tactile in your business in all the best ways  
CG: TOO BAD FOR YOU THAT I'M NEVER TOUCHING YOU AGAIN, THEN!!!  
TG: this bed isnt going to ruin itself karkat   
CG: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY?! THAT ISN'T EVEN OURS  
TG: im giving you five more seconds and then im just going to saunter all sexily out there and make you ruin the couch instead  
CG: YOU WOULDN'T DARE!  
TG: five  
CG: DAVE  
TG: four  
CG: GOD DAMN IT  
TG: three  
CG: OKAY!!!   
TG: two  
CG: STOP, YOU WIN  
TG: one...  


*

Dirk stood outside in the rain, arms crossed, and stared up, up, up at the atrium windows. 

No lights on inside, as far as he could tell. 

His stomach roiled, his heart pounded, and worst of all, his back itched under the gaze of a hundred spying eyes, real or imagined, just watching him make a total ass of himself in the wind and dark and rain. Not all the lights in the windows of the Crocker Estate had gone out, yet. He imagined Roxy, telling him to just get it over with already. Rose, with her eyebrows quirked artfully up, challenging him with her expression alone. Dave with an impassive stare, Callie with a hopeful look, Jane with her lips pressed flat. 

He couldn't just show up, no matter what the Lalondes said. Could he? 

It was presumptuous. It was all kinds of boundary defying, and when it came to Jake, boundaries were kind of a thing he had a documented history of struggling with. Right? 

He sucked in a deep breath, face tilted upward, letting the rain soak into him. There hadn't been any more thunder, not since the deafening bout of it that had nearly sent Jane face first into the veranda. And what had that been about? God, he was too anxious for this. Would he ever not be? Would there ever be a good fucking time? 

Probably not. And wasn't that the fucking point? 

He took another deep breath and held it for a second, swallowing a mouthful of empty air like he could replace all the roiling worry in his guts with it. 

Then he kicked up off the ground and headed straight up before he could lose his nerve. The lower floors streaked by, the glistening expanse of the atrium windows drew closer, and his own impassive reflection met him in their frames. He almost laughed. God, he looked like such a fucking douche, floating here all soaked through in his fucking party clothes. His hair was a mess. His shoes were definitely ruined. Hadn't they been a gift from Jane? Nice. Real fucking symbolic and shit. 

He couldn't see inside. If Jake was in there, he was sitting in the dark, maybe looking directly at him. 

It took pretty much all the willpower he had to make himself float forward and press his face nearly against the glass, peering through with dread souring all his insides. 

At first, all he could see were vaguely plant-shaped shadows, leaves and branches and tall, leafy fronds. He squinted, eyes skipping from feature to feature. Pots overflowing with flowers hung from chains overhead. Rails along the viewing platform stretched along the edges of the room. More plant beds, and over in the corner, blue artificial light lighting up a familiar face. 

He inhaled sharply, jerking away from the window. 

Jake was in there, all right. Dirk didn't think he'd seen him, he'd been focusing pretty hard on something on his phone, all scrunched up in the corner with his shoes sticking comically out between planters. His glasses were sitting halfway down his nose, his eyebrows had been furrowed with irritation or concentration or both, and ... 

And it took everything in him not to just turn tail and bolt right back home. What the fuck was he doing? This was stupid. 

This was so fucking stupid. 

He pressed a curled hand against the window, making a shitty little viewport for himself, and simultaneously, he fished his phone out with his other hand. Rain rolled down the slick window and over his fingers. He cradled his phone near his chest, water spattering the glass there, too, and moved this thumb purposefully over the screen.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 21:28 --  
  
TT: Hey.  
TT: Can we talk?  


And, like an asshole, he watched to see what Jake would do, his heart pounding in his ears. This was so pathetic. This was so _fucking_ uncool. 

He didn't have to wait long. Jake visibly startled, then brought his phone up to his face, blinking at the screen like he couldn't quite parse the contents. He pushed his glasses up with an irritable grimace, blinked a few more times in rapid succession, and then... smiled? Jesus, was he smiling? Grinning, actually, full across his face from ear to ear. He straightened his posture, crossed his legs, and -- 

And Dirk forced himself away from the window, choking on a whole host of emotions he couldn't even begin to separate out, let alone identify individually. Maybe it hadn't been at him. Maybe someone else had just happened to send him a message at the same time, or ... 

His phone lit up.

GT: Dirk!   
GT: Holy flippin horsefeathers i didnt expect id be hearing from you tonight at all! Shit i thought for sure youd have disappeared off somewhere impossible to find by now and itd be days or some nonsense before i could get ahold of you!   
TT: Uh, well. Yeah. Not quite, I guess? I mean, here I am.  
GT: Are you still at the party? I was just gearing myself up to shoot you a message i swear. Karkat went and disappeared on me but he was pretty friggin clear about this at least and i thought about it for a good bit and i think hes right.   
GT: Dont tell him i said so though hell lord it over me for years! Friggin eons probably!   
TT: You were talking to Karkat? What, just now?  
GT: Yes but dont worry about it. It doesnt matter. Listen dirk i know we both said some things tonight and i think we both know they were things that had to be said.   


He swore softly under his breath. He wanted to peek in there, get a sense of Jake's overall state, but he forced himself to focus on the blurry, rain-streaked words Jake was typing at him, instead. He wiped the screen, pointlessly, smearing water everywhere.

TT: Alright, yeah. We should start with that, probably. Sure.  
GT: Right.   
TT: Look.   
TT: I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. Maybe some shit needed to get said, but that really wasn't the way I should have done it.   
GT: Oh hell.   
GT: No dirk god damn it stop!  
TT: What?   
GT: Youre saying all the shit that i wanted to say! And youre saying it first so now if i say it itll look like im just parroting at you like an idiot because i dont know what else to do or say and thats not whats fucking happening here!   
TT: ...Ok. What do you want me to do?   
GT: Just hold on for a sec! Dont say a word. Let me say what i need to say and then you can just react however youre going to. Got it?   
TT: Got it.  
GT: Sounds all on the up and up to you?   
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Uh. Go ahead.   
GT: I am! Im going to just give me a second.   
GT: ...   
GT: Phew.   
TT: Jake.   
GT: No no no just one more second i just need to get all my thoughts in a row here shut up!  
TT: Right.  
GT: Okay listen!  
GT: You were right at least in some regards with some of the stuff you said even if that wasnt the best way for either of us to get it all out there. Okay?   
TT: Ok.   
TT: Is that it?   
GT: Christ no! Keep it zipped strider im not even nearly finished here.   
GT: Im not even going to delve into all the bullshit with forbes and ellius because i think we both know what a jealous idiot i was being there and id rather not drag it all up again because its just going to muck up the rest of what i want to say. But im sorry for it and im going to apologize to forbes later for it too.   
GT: Assuming i ever friggin see him again who knows!   
GT: But if i do i will. Ahem.   
TT: ...   
GT: No! Stop now none of those ellipses or anything else just listen.   
GT: That said!  
GT: You said you liked knowing exactly where you stood with the chap and ive been thinking about that this whole time and you know what? Thats fair. I believe you didnt know *exactly* what i wanted. I told myself i was being just as obvious as you but looking back its not precisely true.   
TT: No, look,  
GT: Shut up!!   
TT: But I did know. I'm just a fuckin' coward.   
GT: STOP TYPING AND LISTEN!  
GT: I was holding myself back from all that on purpose! Because i didnt want to go inadvertently making any dramatic confessions! Because what i *really* wanted was for you to confess all the things you were obviously thinking and feeling and wanting to me!   
GT: I always wanted that right from the very start with you for fucking years and years and it felt i guess like i might get a second chance at it? What with the responder being rather um. Absent? For the first time in forever?  
GT: It was the perfect chance to hear you say it all yourself *as* yourself without some shitty ai forcing things one way or another and twisting our words around to each other at every goddamn opportunity!  
GT: And its true that you were the one who broke off our first go at all this but as far as that goes i just used it as an excuse to keep doing nothing! Not because i thought it was the right thing but because its just plain what i *wanted* and that was that!   
GT: I thought if you could just bring yourself to say it we could have a fresh start from square one and everything would be just hunky fucking dory from there on out.  
GT: But i never expected it to take this long!   
GT: I didnt want to wait anywhere close to one whole year let alone who knows how much longer.   
GT: But god dirk im just so fucking good at putting shit off.   
GT: Id tell myself oh one more week he cant possibly hold out another one. And id flirt with you and then id feel you trying to push me into saying what we were both thinking and id pull way way back and it made sense at the time to me given what i was going for but i was probably just confusing the absolute shit out of you wasnt i?   
GT: Of course i was.   
GT: And im sorry about that.   
GT: I shouldnt have let it go this long and i shouldnt have let it get this out of hand and i shouldnt have pretended not to know what your feelings were even if you couldnt tell me outright and please please please dirk just tell me none of that ruined our chances or your interest in this and us as an item forever because if i did manage to actually fuck us up forever dirk i think id just die.   
GT: Shit i might die anyway i feel sort of faint?   
GT: If i stop responding its not because im angry at you i maybe just passed out.   
GT: ... Dirk?   
GT: Im done now?  
TT: Oh, thank God.   
GT: ???   
TT: You didn't fuck any of this up forever, Jake, Jesus.  
GT: I didnt? Are you sure?   
TT: I don't know how to tell you this, at least not without coming off kind of like a desperate creep, but I don't think there's anything you could actually do to put me off of this at all, let alone forever.   
GT: Oh god i dont know about that. I can be a pretty fucking difficult customer just ask anyone.   
TT: So can I.   
GT: Well... i mean. True.   
TT: That's what I thought.   
GT: Eheh. I dont mind difficult though. Tit for tat and all that.   
TT: Uh huh. Clear as mud as ever, English.  
GT: Oh dont even!  
GT: I mean im head over heels for you no matter what a stubborn standoffish prickly little ponce you can be and hearing the same from you makes my heart do loop de loops in my goddamn chest!   
GT: Is that clear enough for you?!  
GT: Seeing you with that troll fella just knocked the wind right out of me i cant even begin to describe it.  
GT: The wind and all the sense too apparently and i had little enough of that to begin with!   
GT: As weve all seen by now im sure.  
GT: ...Dirk?  
TT: Sorry, I, uh.   
TT: I just, feel like. Maybe this isn't real?   
TT: This isn't real, is it.   
GT: Oh no its real. Go ahead and pinch yourself youll see. I already checked.  
TT: I kind of have a confession to make.   
GT: You do?  
GT: What is it?   
GT: Thats not supposed to sound as ominous as it does right?   
TT: Just. Look up?   
GT: Up?   
TT: Up and to the left.   
GT: What are you blabbering about?   


He slid his phone back into his pocket, feeling dazed and light and absurdly heavy all at once. There was still so much more to say. Fuck, where did he start? He pressed his hands to the window and looked in. 

Jake was staring right back, mouth open, eyes wide. 

Dirk waved at him, sheepishly, both looking and feeling like a tremendous fucking idiot. 

Jake dropped his phone and vaulted up into the air, streaking toward him so fast Dirk's eyes could barely follow the motion. There was a metallic click, a rusty squeal, and Dirk jumped back as a row of windows popped out and opened at an angle. 

"You -- what is this, you -- son of a biscuit!" Jake shouted, squinting up at him through the gap. "You absolute -- oh, come _on_ \--" He pushed on the metal panes, and they popped forward another several inches with another squeal. "-- skulking rapscallion!" 

"That's me," Dirk agreed, faintly. 

"You're darn fucking right it's you!" Jake launched himself through the gap, caught him in midair, and crushed him against his chest so tight it was actually impossible to get a breath. 

Not that Dirk gave a shit about paltry things like breathing, just then. 

He closed his eyes, wrapped his arms around Jake, and floated there with him, together in the downpour. Jake's hands slid up his back and into his hair, and then he grabbed him roughly by the ears and pulled his head back. Dirk snapped his eyes open, only to find himself immediately floundering, caught up in Jake's electric green gaze. Jake grinned at him, his whole face lighting up, and a gust of wind kicked up around them, turning the raindrops into stinging needles. 

"God, I'm so glad you said something," he said. "I _wanted_ to, but I don't know if I would have been able to bring myself to message you first, Dirk, and then where would we be? Not here, I bet. Shit, Dirk, you know what? I don't fucking care if you can't say it now or even soon, because what really matters is just that we're _together._ Actually together, not this horrible awkward shit we've been doing all this time, together as in --" his brows went up, and he leaned in close. "As in, I'm going to kiss you, if that's all kosher with you?" 

It was, but Dirk beat him to it. 

He pulled Jake in close and kissed him hard, kissed him thoroughly, kissed him like he had back before everything had gone strange and sour between them the first time. Jake made a surprised sound, then caught Dirk's face between his palms, brushing his thumbs over his jaw, his cheek, reciprocating all of it with equal enthusiasm. The wind caught them up and whistled past his ears, blowing their hair around in wet tangles. 

By the time they pulled apart, breathing hard, moonlight was shining through widening gaps in the clouds overhead. The previous downpour had slowed into a light sprinkle, and holy fuck, it really had been Jake the whole time, hadn't it? Jake peered up and around them, like he was thinking the same thing. His face was a mask of comical astonishment. His glasses were streaked with rainwater. 

Dirk couldn't take his eyes off him. Eventually, Jake noticed him staring, and in response he tossed his hair back in a wet flop, spraying water everywhere, and winked. Dirk covered his face with his hands, choking down a strangled laugh. 

"God," he said, when he thought he could without his voice wavering. "I'm so fucking sorry, Jake." 

Jake's fingers closed around his wrists, pulling them away from his face. Dirk blinked up at him, nervous and suddenly completely convinced again that none of this could possibly be real. 

"Me too," Jake said, simply. Then he brightened a bit and flashed him a dimpled grin. "Shit," he said. " _Shit_ , Dirk, I missed this." 

"Missed --" Dirk began, but Jake cut him off with another kiss, slow and deep, less frenzied than the first, but equally passionate. The moon broke through the clouds, washing the estate in silver light, and a thought bubbled through the syrup that Dirk's brain had melted into minutes earlier. How many people were watching them from the windows? Rows and rows and rows of windows. 

He turned his face and Jake pulled back, a question in the way he quirked his eyebrows. 

"We should," Dirk gestured around, nebulously. "I mean, unless you want to put on a show for Jane's entire guestlist..." 

Jake leaned in, eyes narrowing. "Are you saying we should take this somewhere more private, Strider?" 

Dirk swallowed, hard. "The transportalizer," he began, intending to make some inane observation about how it wasn't so far, but Jake shook his head and cut him off with an impish laugh. 

"I only have one question," he said, leaning in close, his breath ghosting over Dirk's ear. 

"What's that?" 

"Your place or mine, chum?" 

Dirk let out a startled little snort, pushing Jake away from him, and -- fuck -- he just looked so goddamn proud of that stupid little quip, and, god damn it. He couldn't help it. He laughed, shoulders shaking, covering his eyes with one hand. Jake laughed with him, drifting closer, and when he put his hands on Dirk's shoulders, Dirk sucked in a breath and nodded his head and let his hand drop back to his side. 

"Oh, you know," he said, keeping his voice carefully neutral. "Either or, man. I'm not picky." 

*

"Well," Roxy said, elbows on the windowsill, cradling her chin in her hands. "There they go. Whoop-de-fucking-do, someone hand me some goddamn party poppers." 

"Party poppers?" Callie tilted her head, glancing away from the window. She had the curtain held back with one green little hand. Roxy laughed at her. 

"Yeah, you know, party poppers." She made a motion with her hands, like she was setting one off, and Callie just shook her head, mystified. "Fuck, remind me to find a few next time we're out. They're great. You pull a string and BOOM, ribbons and confetti and shit everywhere." 

"That does sound fun," Callie said, letting the curtain drop. "Very celebratory, and all that." 

"Uh huh." Roxy sat up and stretched her arms overhead, back popping. She'd changed out her wet pajamas for a better, dryer set, but her hair was still damp, frizzing in the humidity as they spoke. "Thought for sure we had em at the wedding, damn. Didn't we?" She sighed. "God, _fuck_ , Callie, will they be all right, now? For real, this time?" 

"Oh, Roxy," Callie said, gently. "It's so difficult to say. Especially in any definitive manner, don't you see? I don't know the future any better than you do, now, darling." 

"Yeah, yeah." Roxy waved at her, then covered her mouth to stifle a yawn. "I know. Don't matter. You'll always be my limitless font of dangerous causal spoilers, so there." 

Callie made a _tsk_ sound, but her big pretty eyes were sparkling with mirth. "I think that all we can do at this point is wish them the best," she said, very reasonably. Then her face fell a bit. "Do you think Jane is going to take this very hard?" 

Roxy groaned. "Don't make me think about Jane right now." She stood and padded over to the bed. She laced her fingers behind her back and stretched her arms, arching her spine. More joints popped. "We'll deal with Jane in the morning, ok?" 

"Of course." Callie hopped off the windowsill, all done up in a lacey pink nightie of her own. Adorable. She looked up at Roxy, and her worried expression melted into one of conspiratory glee, instead. "Dirk and Jake are going to have a _terribly_ romantic evening, aren't they?" she said, clapping her hands all excited-like.

And, fuck, it was just too funny. Roxy exploded into laughter, practically howling with it in no time.

"What?!" Callie demanded, but Roxy just shook her head, letting herself fall backward into bed. Callie climbed up beside her, nudging her shoulder, but Roxy waved her off and went on laughing, snorting into her hands, gulping for air until her stomach hurt and tears were leaking out of the corners of her eyes. At some point, Callie started laughing, too -- laughing at Roxy's infectious laughter -- creating a truly inescapable feedback loop of insane giggling. Roxy kicked her feet, clutching her stomach, and Callie smacked her playfully with a pillow, still demanding to know what was so funny between labored breaths. 

"Nothing," Roxy managed, finally, eventually, wheezing. "It's just, oh my god, Callie, I don't know if _romantic_ is the word I'd use," she said, dissolving into another round of helpless giggles. 

"Well, I think it's perfectly suitable," Callie sniffed, settling under the covers. Roxy snuggled in beside her and hit the switch on the lamp, biting her lip to keep a fresh round of laughter at bay. Callie squirmed in close and Roxy circled her arms around her with a deep, satisfied sigh.

"Just make sure you show me whatever story you're gonna write about this, later," she said. Callie made a little embarrassed sound, and Roxy rested her chin on the top of her head and tightened her arms around her. 

" _Roxy,_ " Callie protested. 

"I won't tell a soul," Roxy assured her, but the giggles came back in fits and starts for both of them, well into the small hours of the night. 

* 

"Are you feeling any better?" Kanaya asked, and Rose opened her eyes with a little smile to the sight of her wife's face floating over hers, eyes wide and concerned. 

"Just a little headache," she assured her. She reached up and tugged a lock of Kanaya's hair, playfully. "Sounds like the rain's stopped," she said. 

"Oh, yes." Kanaya nodded. She walked to the window and pulled a curtain aside to showcase the situation. "There are hardly any clouds left, actually. It's all very suspicious." 

"Very suspicious, indeed." 

"Something needs to be done about Jake English and his flagrant yet admittedly accidental abuses of divine power," Kanaya went on. Her brow furrowed and she crossed her arms. Rose made a thoughtful sound.

"How do you propose we reign in the God of Hope, exactly?" 

"Well." Kanaya's lips curled into a frown. "I can't say I have any ideas. But, maybe that's for the best." 

"Your ideas do tend to be shockingly violent."

"But very _direct,_ " Kanaya retorted. "Extremely easy to follow, and such." 

Rose sat up, propping herself with a generous number of provided pillows. "I can't imagine what you're implying," she said. 

"Oh, yes you can." 

"Maybe we should go easy on him, just this once. After all, the course of true love never did run smooth." She said this with an appropriately theatrical cadence, and Kanaya shot her a weary look. 

"You're quoting that human poet, again," she said. 

"I am." 

"Well," Kanaya said, "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 

Rose covered her mouth, lips twitching. "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" 

"Oh. Nothing, probably? It's just the only one I remember. I was annoyed that he was implying your name was unremarkable." 

Rose bit her tongue, determined not to laugh, and crooked her finger Kanaya's way, instead. "Wife," she said, very authoritatively. 

"Yes?" 

"Stop pulling quotes from a dusty old man who has been dead for some fifty-five thousand years out of your beautiful, shapely ass and come ravish me, instead." 

" _Well,_ " Kanaya said, her cheeks flushing a very pleasing shade of green, "I could say, or maybe, uh, demand, the same to -- of -- you!" 

Rose shrugged, tactically fluttering her eyelashes, and thus soundly defeated, Kanaya proceeded to trip over a rogue footstool halfway back to the bed. 

Romance. 

*

Forbes shut the door to their borrowed room, hesitated, and then turned the lock until he heard a soft _click._ His mind was racing. This room had originally belonged to Roxy Lalonde herself, the kind and beautiful and utterly unforgettable Goddess of the Void, and they'd just finished speaking to _Jane Crocker_ on top of all that, and, before that it had been -- _The_ Jake English was probably furious with him for completely ruining his entire plan with his ridiculous cowardice -- and... Ellius had gone on a date with Dirk Strider. But, also, liked _him_. Actually liked him. More-than-friends liked him.

The bed creaked behind him, presumably under Ellius's weight, and his face flushed hot. He couldn't even bring himself to turn around. What were they doing? What happened, now? 

"Forbes," Ellius called to him, in that soft, almost sing-song way he had, giving his name an unnecessary second syllable. Forbes swallowed and turned around. 

"Ellius." He managed to keep his voice from squeaking, but only just. 

Ellius was sitting on the bed, hands folded in his lap, head tilted just so. His tie was loose, the top few buttons of his blouse were undone, his gorgeous sapphire blue jacket hung rumpled and open at the shoulders, and most distressingly of all, he was _smiling._ He had always had a beautiful smile. 

He tried very hard not to think about how it had felt to have Ellius's arms wrapped tight around him, holding his face against his chest, listening to him make soft, pleased little chittering sounds that had _not_ been strictly pale aligned. 

He failed, of course. How he could not think about it? Especially now. 

"You look like you're going to unbolt that thing and run off down the hall any second," Ellius said, and Forbes took one small step away from the door and further into the room as though to deny it. 

"Why would I do that?"

"I was hoping, in fact, that you would tell me!" Ellius's fingers tapped nervously against his thigh, and Forbes couldn't help but follow the motion with his eyes. He swallowed, hard, trying and failing to prevent himself from tracing the line of his perfect blue inseam up. Dear gods. What was the matter with him? He'd never had these problems -- at least not like _this_ \-- before. 

But it was like a whole new world of possibility had opened, and he couldn't help but go stumbling eagerly through the door without even knowing if Ellius _truly_ intended to follow. 

His lungs burned, and he realized with some embarrassment that he'd been holding his breath. He let it all out and sucked in a fresh one, thinking hard. 

"I feel silly," he said, finally. Ellius arched his eyebrows. Forbes cleared his throat and continued, speaking too fast but unable to stop. "It's all out here in the open, now, for good or ill, and I would have preferred if it had happened without me ushering it all in with childish shenanigans, to be perfectly honest! I can't apologize enough for all of that. I should never have agreed to that, G... God or no, it was totally uncalled for. I --" 

"Forbes, _really,_ " Ellius said, holding up a hand, cutting him off easy as anything. "I should be the one apologizing to you. I should be groveling at your feet, right now, really." 

"You... you should?" 

"I could never find the right words, you see. Nothing ever seemed adequate, or well timed, or... well, believe me, I found dozens upon dozens of excuses. And today! I couldn't face the thought of another excruciating gala with you at my side but not... _actually_ , and then that happenstance with Dirk, and off I went without even a message to you to explain. Abominable behavior. I have no idea why you aren't furious with me!" 

"Well," Forbes said, turning this over in his mind. "I imagine dating a God, however briefly, is very distracting business." 

Ellius laughed and lifted a hand, running his fingers through his wet hair, making the ends stick up in back. "You're an absolute treasure," he said, which made Forbes blush, which made him drop his eyes and study the floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world. 

"Ellius," he mumbled. "Listen, I. I know that some things were said and perhaps implied, tonight, but I want you to know that above everything else, I value your friendship, and... I couldn't possibly do anything that might put that in jeopardy." 

"I see," Ellius said. It was impossible to read his tone. 

"So, please consider everything very... nonbinding, and, if necessary, we could just pretend nothing tonight ever happened to begin with, and I'd be... fine." 

"Do _you_ think that's necessary, Forbes?" 

"I don't know." 

"Hm..." The bed creaked, again. "Please look at me, at least." 

Forbes dragged his eyes up, with effort. Ellius smiled. Forbes's heart skipped three beats. Embarrassing, really. 

"You say that you couldn't possibly put our friendship in jeopardy, but the truth is, Forbes, knowing what I know now, I couldn't possibly go back." 

Six beats. He put a hand on the doorframe to steady himself. "You couldn't?" 

"I could not." 

This stretched between them, moments that felt like eternity. Forbes wondered what Ellius would do if he actually fainted. Pick him up off the floor, probably. Dote on him, perhaps. It sounded nice. 

"Then -- then, that's that, isn't it?" 

"Is it?" Ellius leaned forward. His eyes were so blue. "Then you agree? Moirails to matesprits and all that? Oldest story in the book? Is that us, Forbes?" 

Forbes brought his other hand, the one not currently clutching the doorframe for dear life, up to clutch at his chest, instead. "Yes, but Ellius..." He looked away, pressing his lips tight together. He couldn't just _say_ it, matesprits or no. 

"If I didn't know better, I would say that you looked almost afraid of me, right now, and I have no idea why? What's the matter?" 

"It's not you! It's the -- well, the _situation!_ The circumstances! The, the private room, and the long overdue confessions, and, and all these emotions running high, and the one -- one, there is only _one_ bed in here, and I just --" 

"Oh!" Ellius jumped up like he'd just then realized he'd been sitting on a bed of coals. He looked from Forbes to the bed and back again, and then he laughed. Forbes covered his face with his hands, groaning into his palms. 

"I know I'm being ridiculous," he said, miserably. 

"No, I -- that's, not at all. Well, yes, maybe a bit, but --" 

"I am so sorry, I have no idea why I am so --" 

"You don't have to worry! You can have the bed, Forbes, for gods' sake, it's just a bed. Toss me a blanket or two and --" 

"What?" Forbes dropped his hands, gaping at him. "You're not -- what, are you going to sleep on the floor?" 

Ellius grinned at him, eyes sparkling. "Would you rather I made a nest in the tub?" 

"Oh, for the love of -- _no_ , Ellius, you're not going to... we have _literally_ slept in the same bed before!" 

"Yes, but that was before all of this _tension,_ " Ellius said, and Forbes squinted at him, full of suspicion. Was he teasing him? He was teasing him. He was -- teasing him! About this!

"If you think you can _behave_ yourself," Forbes said, because he could tease, too, damn it, and Ellius folded his arms behind his back like a gentleman about to ask a highblood lady for a dance.

"Ah, well, that's a tall order, you know. You're a dashing fellow, Forbes, absolutely magnetic. My hands might be drawn of their own accord to your particular aura..." 

"My _aura,_ " Forbes repeated, incredulous. 

Ellius shrugged, and his smile this time was full of perfect teeth, white and razor sharp. He was magnificent. He'd also _been_ with people, before, humans and trolls both, and Forbes had never -- with anyone -- and -- 

"Forbes," Ellius said, cutting into his panic spiral. His face softened. "Obviously, I am teasing you. I would never do anything you weren't comfortable with." He paused, thoughtfully. "That is, as long as neither of us intends to drag this out another decade or so..."

Forbes managed a choked little laugh at that. "No," he said. "No, definitely not. Just... not tonight?" 

"Not tonight," Ellius agreed, nodding. He plucked at his jacket. "Also, will it utterly scandalize you if I rid myself of the worst of these party clothes? They're soaked through." 

He hadn't even _thought_ of that. 

It was funny, though, wasn't it? A little bit funny? He'd wanted to take Ellius's clothes off him for years, and here they were, and he was too busy having palpitations to enjoy it. He sagged against the wall and waved nebulously. "It's fine," he said. His voice came out very high.

Ellius just laughed at him. 

In the end, they managed to strip down to their slightly damp underthings, and Forbes at least dove for the blankets as quick as he could, yanking them up to his chin. Ellius eased himself in beside him, and the bed was large, certainly, large enough that they could have both taken a side and gone the whole night without so much as an errant brush of skin on skin, but... 

Eventually, when his heart had calmed itself to a reasonable pace, and he felt sleep coming for him at the edge of his consciousness, he took a breath and turned his body and reached out for Ellius... and, of course, Ellius was ready for him, reaching back. He pulled Forbes close against him, murmuring soothing nothings and running his fingers gently through his curls. Forbes pressed his face against his chest and concentrated on breathing, slow and deep, listening to the soft little clicks and chitters vibrating through his thorax. 

And, true to his word, that was how they fell asleep together, curled and tangled up in an embrace that was simultaneously familiar and very, very new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH, SORRY, THE PORN GOT PUSHED BACK ANOTHER CHAPTER. It keeps happening. I swear this fic is rated E for a reason.
> 
> (You can still find me on Tumblr [@landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)... if you don't mind inaccurate estimations of where exactly the smut is going to fall. :D)


	11. How the fuck can that possibly be your favorite?!

They almost didn't make it back. 

The second they were through the transportalizer, the scent of ozone still hanging in the air, Jake spun and slammed his entire weight against him. Dirk let out a startled little grunt, shot his arms out to grab Jake around the middle, and they went down together into the long grass along the dirt path into the trees. Jake pinned him down, gripping Dirk's hips tight between his knees, and tossed his head back with a gleeful laugh. Little droplets of water flew from his hair.

He was gorgeous. 

Dirk swallowed hard, staring up at him. All his nerves felt alight with pins and needles, vibrating with anticipation laced as always with a thread of doubt. Were they doing this? Was this real? 

" _God,_ " Jake breathed, leaning over him. He blinked down over his glasses, pressing his hands against Dirk's shoulders, and just as the silence began to feel stretched and thin, he dipped down and kissed him again right there in the dirt. Dirk let his eyes close and his body inevitably respond, his mind racing too fast in too many directions at once. Should they be doing this? Was this too fast? Was this too much, too soon? Was this a mistake, would they regret this, would _Jake_ regret this, would, could, should, an infinite, unanswerable litany. He tightened his arms around Jake's shoulders, pulling him close, groaning into his mouth. Jake answered with a wordless chuckle against his lips, and their eyes fluttered open together and for a second, they just stared. 

"I --" 

"We --" 

They stopped. Dirk winced. Jake scoffed down at him. 

"You first," Dirk said, not because he wanted to concede the first word, but because he felt that was probably what Jake wanted to hear.

"I want you so damn bad," Jake breathed down at him, taking the offered opening with zero hesitation. It wasn't at all what Dirk had expected to hear. A thrill went through him, sparking and rolling up his body from the base of his spine. If he'd been sporting a respectable semi before, well, he wasn't anymore, and the way Jake's eyes flicked down and back up again told him he wasn't the only one who noticed. Which was kinda humiliating. Which was somehow part of the appeal, because he was an actual fucking human disaster. Jake scooted up his body, just enough to press them together, and rolled himself against his hips, his own arousal obvious now, too. "Whatever you were going to say..." he moved his hips again, slowly, excruciating. "I would very much like for it to be from the same general page, _please?_ " 

It hadn't been, but what the fuck did that matter, now? 

"I want you, too," he managed, and it came out pitched too high and needy and he hated it, just hated the way he sounded, but Jake's face lit up and he grinned down at him and that was all that mattered in the world.

"Do you, really?" Jake teased, sitting up and casting a pointed glance downward. Dirk raised his hands and covered his face. 

"Let me guess," he said, muffled through his fingers. "You could tell?" 

Jake's hands circled his wrists and pulled them away, off to either side, and then pinned them down into the grass. Dirk _could_ have broken the hold, flipped them over and made it a match, but he was thinking with two heads, now, and they had... somewhat different priorities. He bucked his hips up, not enough to dislodge him, but enough to get some friction where it mattered. Jake's fingers tightened around his wrists. 

"Say it again," he said, face so close his breath stirred the air against Dirk's face. Dirk swallowed again, fear and shame and embarrassment freezing a lump in his throat. 

"I want you," he said, forcing it out, it was so fucking stupid how something so true could be so difficult to say. Jake kissed him, quick but thorough, then pulled away and licked his lips. 

"Again," he insisted. 

A nervous laugh bubbled out of him, instead. He squirmed beneath him, shaking his head. "Jake," he breathed, his tone vaguely wheedling. 

"Come on, now. Humor a chap and say it again. Just once more?" 

He took a deep breath. "Jake," he said, slowly and clearly. "I want you." 

Jake made a happy humming sound and kissed him again, letting go of his wrists to run his fingers up into his hair, instead. Dirk took the opportunity to put his arms back around him, both of them sort of half-moving their hips together and making involuntary sounds into each other's mouths. This time when Jake broke the kiss, he leaned in to speak in Dirk's ear, breath hot against his skin.

"You want to date me?" He framed this as a question, but he spoke it in this low, sultry tone, and it was so damn startling Dirk couldn't help but laugh. 

"Jesus, Jake, _yes_ , I want to --" 

"You want to live here with me as my paramour, Dirk, is that what you want?" 

"I mean --" 

"You want to spend all our time doing whatever the hell we want together, actually _together_ , including a sound bit of good old fashioned hanky panky whenever we damn well please, Dirk, does that sound like it's around the right wheelhouse?" 

" _Yes,_ " Dirk groaned, covering his eyes, again. "Obviously, yes, though again, I'm not sure I'd use that fucking _phrasing--_ " 

"What, hanky panky?" 

"Among others!" 

Jake leaned in close, eyes practically glittering. "Haul my bloody ashes?" 

"Okay, no, hold on. You just made that up." 

"Make a little whoopie --" 

"Oh my _god._ " 

"-- Or, oh, my personal favorite, make the beast with two backs?" 

"How the fuck can that possibly be your favorite?!" 

"Uh huh, well, tell me this, Strider, would you rather I called it making love?"

Dirk's heart stuttered and his body froze right up, save for his eyes, which scrabbled over Jake's face looking for any sign of actual sincerity in that. But Jake was already shaking his head and laughing, lifting himself up and smirking like he'd just come out the uncontested victor in a scrum. Dirk sat up with him, mind spinning. 

"I didn't think so," Jake grinned. "So, the beast with two backs will just have to do." 

"Fine," he said, finding his voice at last, strained though it was. "I don't care what we fuckin' call it, I just -- I mean?" Deep breath. "Uh. Right here?" 

Jake pressed his lips together, and Dirk watched him take a deep breath, eyes closing, nostrils flaring. "No," he said, finally. "Not that I couldn't!" His eyes popped back open and he cast down a sly smirk. "But, we should... I want this to be..." Jake lifted his hands and made a flailing, incomprehensible gesture. "I want this to be right." His smirk melted into something less sharp and more shy. "If that makes even a lick of sense." 

He almost let his response unsaid. It was too cheesy, Jake was going to laugh. Stupid. But he made himself say it, forced the words out, because cheesy or not, they were god damn true. "So do I," he said, quietly. "Shit, Jake, I want this to be as close to perfect as we can make it." Fuck. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. 

But... but. Instead of laughing, Jake looked down at him and smiled in that heart stopping, sun parting the clouds sort of way he had. 

And then he stood, holding a hand down to help Dirk up. He took it, climbing back onto unsteady feet. Jake hooked an arm in his, laced their fingers together, caught him up in a fierce, almost frenzied grin, and then his feet left the floor and he was tugging Dirk up inexorably after him. Toward home. Jake squeezed his hand, hard enough to hurt, and Dirk squeezed back just as fiercely. 

And that was how they made it back after all, if only barely. 

They second they were through the threshold of their island tower, Jake spun them around and shoved him against a wall, capturing Dirk's mouth with his before he make so much as a sound. 

Well. He could work with this. Better than being in the grass, at least. 

He tilted his chin up and made a muffled, eager sound. Simultaneously, he slipped his arms around Jake, sliding his hands down to firmly grip his ass and haul him close, grinding himself against the searing line of his arousal. Jake made an appreciative noise, pulled his head back and nipped at Dirk's lower lip, dragging his teeth against the swollen, sensitive skin. Dirk's hands shook as he yanked Jake's sensible blouse up and then went for his belt. He fumbled with the buckle while Jake ran his hands up his arms and kissed a line along his jaw. The second he had the belt loose he went for the buttons, and Jake laughed softly but appreciatively -- he hoped -- in his ear when he finally found what he was after, there. 

God, it had been so long. Jake sighed approvingly as he slid one hand down his length, circling his fingers around him, squeezing tight. "Fuck," Jake gasped in his ear, breath hot. Sweat trickled down the back of Dirk's neck. "That's it," Jake murmured, kissing just beneath his earlobe, nipping and nibbling the skin there. "Go on, then, do your worst." 

Dirk exhaled a startled laugh, which Jake echoed and then followed up on with more distracting kisses, this time down the side of his neck. Dirk went on with his ministrations down below, and was rewarded with the gratifying sensation of Jake's cock somehow going thicker and heavier in his grip. Jake's breath was coming fast, now, puffing against the side of his face, and Dirk matched the speed of his eager strokes with Jake's strained exhalations.

"Oh, fuck, Dirk," he moaned, pressing his forehead against Dirk's shoulder, turning his face into his neck. The corners of his glasses jabbed into him, but Dirk was long past caring. "I damn well forgot what it's like, to..." 

"To...? To what, hey, it's just a little handie, bro," Dirk teased him, Jake's blisteringly positive reaction to all this bolstering his confidence and his desire, both. 

Jake lifted his head and rolled his eyes, but he couldn't hide his smile, and he couldn't seem to stop bucking forward into Dirk's grip, either. "I hate to say this -- believe me, I do -- but I'm going to have to ask you to retrieve those wandering fingers of yours, sir, before this goes too far." 

"You sure about that?" Dirk gave him another squeeze, raising his eyebrows meaningfully. 

Jake sighed and stepped away, and Dirk let his hands slide out of his pants with the movement. He flexed his fingers, itching to touch him again. To make him make more of those sounds, fuck. Jake looked down at his rumpled, freshly untucked shirt, his hanging belt and open pants, and laughed. "I forgot how deft you are with those hands of yours," he said, and warmth crawled its way up Dirk's neck, both at the words and at the way he then reached up and loosened the stupid bow tie at his neck, letting it hang against his chest. He popped open a few more delicate buttons, rolled his shoulders, and Dirk sucked in a breath as he pulled the blouse off overhead and let it drop between them. 

He was still wearing the damn bow tie. "Jesus," Dirk said, trying and failing to sound casual. "Nice look. Really got that high class douche appeal down pat." 

Jake just put his hands on his hips and grinned. "Dirk," he said, reasonably, "What the devil are you doing with all those clothes on, still?" 

"Well, I mean. Admiring the view, if I'm being honest..." 

"Yes, but I'm telling you, you're _horribly_ overdressed for the occasion." 

"Some kind of fashion savant, now, are you?" Dirk slid his jacket off, letting it drop behind him, and Jake nodded cautious approval. 

"Oh, I've picked up a thing or two... you know, here and there." His gaze followed Dirk's fingers, which were plucking carefully at the buttons of his blouse. Dirk let it fall open, liking the way Jake's eyes roamed over every new glimpse of exposed skin, almost hungrily. Not that he had quite as much to offer, but... 

"Guess I better take your word for it, then." 

"Yeah? Hm. Careful, now. I'm not used to you talking so much sense." 

"Right. Anything else I need to know, you think?" 

Jake's lips twitched. He stepped forward, all purpose, and Dirk's cock jumped in his pants just as Jake hooked his fingers in his belt loops and yanked him forward. "I hate to say it, Dirk, but these pants of yours..." he made a tsking sound.

"Too much?" 

"Horribly tacky. I'm afraid they've got to go." He punctuated this statement by popping the belt and the button. Dirk steadied himself with his hands on Jake's shoulders, while Jake busied himself with shimmying Dirk's pants down over his ass. He was struck again with an overwhelming feeling of _unreality_ , this couldn't possibly be happening. He was back at Jane's estate, dreaming. There was no goddamn way Jake was here with him, half dressed, tugging his pants down with a bow tie hung loose around his neck like some kind of statement piece. 

Jake must have sensed some sudden tension in him, because he paused and peered up into his face, then, a little wrinkle forming between his brows. "You all right, there?" 

"God, yeah, I -- _yes_." Dirk breathed the words out in a rush, and this seemed to satisfy him, because his brow smoothed out and he went blessedly back to the matter at hand -- namely, freeing Dirk's cock from its increasingly uncomfortable confinement. Jake hummed again, then glanced back up and met Dirk's eyes. He broke into a truly alarmingly devilish grin, and then he pitched forward onto his knees before Dirk could fully process the movement. A puff of warm air made his cock twitch, and then Jake sucked a breath in through his nose and slid his lips over him, enveloping him in warm and eager heat. Dirk's legs quivered, he gasped loudly, and Jake moaned around him in his mouth. "Oh -- _fuck_ ," Dirk gasped, staggering back, reaching blindly backward to steady himself with a hand against the wall. "Jesus Christ, Jake, are you serious, you -- fuck, _fuck!_ " He tilted his head back, lost in the shock and the heat of it. Jake made an approving sound and bobbed his head, sliding his hands around to grip the back of Dirk's thighs. 

Oh, fuck. Dirk sucked in a ragged breath, a fresh prickle of sweat breaking out all over his overheated body while he drowned in the wet, obscene sound and sensation of Jake English enthusiastically sucking his dick. This wasn't fair. It was so fucking good. A ragged, breathless moan escaped him. He couldn't look. If he looked, if he actually looked down and watched Jake glide his lips up and around his dick it was going to be over and done with so fucking fast. 

Jake held him in place with steady hands, even when his hips rode forward uncontrollably. He didn't dare move his hand off the wall, but he did make a fist with the other and press it hard against his mouth. Jake swallowed around him -- had he been this good at this, before? _Fuck_ \-- and Dirk practically whimpered into his fingers. His legs shook. He squeezed his eyes shut and focused on breathing, just breathe, but the heat kept building, hotter and higher and _fuck._ "Jake," he choked out, when he was sure he couldn't stand another second. "Jake, Jesus, _please._ " 

Jake made a sound that Dirk absolutely could not interpret, then slid his hands up and squeezed his ass, bobbing faster, in and out. 

So Dirk let himself look, because if he was going to come this soon into this endeavor anyway, he might as well enjoy as much as he could.

Jake's eyes were closed, his face shiny with sweat and effort, that little wrinkle back between his brows. And it was the way he was so focused, so concentrated on _Dirk's_ pleasure, that proved too much to take. He'd always been such a damn taker -- not that Dirk had ever minded -- this couldn't be _real._

He made one last pathetic warning sound, and then he slid his fingers into Jake's hair and gripped tight, hips stuttering as he tumbled over the edge. 

Jake took as much as he could before pulling off him, coughing and directing the rest downward, painting a few delicate ropes across his neck and chest. Dirk sagged back against the wall, breathing hard, and Jake gave his cock a final long, slow stroke, milking the last few drops out of him. This he caught with his thumb, which he then brought to his mouth, and if Dirk _could_ have come again just then he absolutely would have. As it was, his gut gave a tired clench. He lifted a hand and ran his fingers through his sweaty hair. "Oh, you fucker," he breathed, letting his head tip back to rest against the wall with the rest of him. 

Jake just laughed at him. 

"I should be saying the same to you! Hell's bells, Strider, you got me pretty good, there." 

Dirk covered his eyes, still too breathless to laugh. He didn't have to ask what he meant. "Not my fault," he managed, refusing to look. 

"Do you know how expensive these silly things are?" 

God damn it. He dropped his hand and opened his eyes. Jake was holding up the fucking bowtie, of course, looped around his finger and definitely unsuitable for further use. Especially when he flipped the thing over and wiped himself off with it, next. Dirk shook his head, helplessly. 

"Forgive me if I don't weep any tears for your squandered fortune," he said, and then he realized he was just standing there, shirt half open, dangling out of his pants, and he pushed himself off the wall with a grimace. "Jesus, Jake, that was..." He shook his head, shaking his pants off the rest of the way, kicking them off his ankles. 

"Good, right?" He was wearing a comically hopeful look. Dirk scrubbed a hand over his face. 

"Really fucking good," he confirmed. He slid the rest of the shirt off him and dropped that, too. 

Jake smiled, and, like always, Dirk's heart threatened to beat its way out of his chest and clear into the far reaches of outer space. 

"Christ," Jake said, when Dirk straightened up next, minus all the wrinkled, sweaty clothes. "You are a _sight._ " 

Dirk could feel himself blush, heat blooming in points all over him -- chest, shoulders, face, ears. He ducked his head. "It's not much, compared to you."

"No, don't you be difficult, Dirk, it's _plenty._ " A rustle of cloth followed this admonition, and Dirk looked up just in time to see Jake divest himself of what remained of his finery. Like always, the sight of him was absolutely breathtaking. Thick in all the right places, dusted with dark hair along his arms, legs, chest. He didn't have to worry about a frankly excessive number of freckles all over goddamn everywhere, and he certainly wasn't prone to any blotchy blushing -- his skin just took on a pleasant, warm undertone. 

Dirk could never get tired of looking at him. 

But, of course, Jake could get tired of being looked at. "Strider," he said, snapping his fingers. Dirk blinked at him.

"Jake," he said, softly.

Jake bit his lip, and then his brows pulled down again and he strode forward, kicking his discarded pants out of the way as he did. Dirk straightened up just as he slipped his arms around him, leaning heavily onto him and exhaling loudly. Dirk ran his hands up his back, more than a little aware of the way his dick was trapped between them, thick and hard against his stomach. He would have liked to do a little work on his knees, himself, but was that what Jake wanted, or... 

Fuck, it was so stupid. He was right there. He could just _ask._

"What do you want," he asked, and then immediately wished he hadn't, because it came out less like a question and more like an accusation, and Jake's arms went tense around him. Jake lifted his head. "Fuck," Dirk said, quickly, tripping over his own stupid fucking tongue. "I don't mean it like -- I just mean, I want to do what you want to do, man, I don't want to guess, I just want..." 

Jake put his hands on either side of his face. He let the words trail off. 

"I thought we went over this," he said, and he didn't sound upset or angry. If anything, he sounded amused. 

"We did?" 

"I distinctly remember saying that I wanted _you,_ " Jake said, and Dirk's face went hot again. He took a deep breath, nodding. 

"Should we... upstairs?" 

"Gee, Dirk, I don't know. You think you're up for climbing, right now?" Jake quirked a brow at him, and Dirk swallowed a nervous laugh, ducking his head. 

"Frankly, no. But, lucky for both of us, I can totally fly." 

Jake snorted at this, but he also grabbed Dirk's hand while they lifted off the ground and up the stairs, leaving their discarded clothes behind. There was a brief confused scuffle as they worked out whose room they were going to head for -- they'd been keeping separate ones, obviously -- and ultimately they decided on Dirk's, if only because he had less crap scattered all over his bed. 

Not that it wasn't still a mess, but it was the bed they needed. The thought made his heart flip and his dick twitch, especially when Jake grabbed ahold of him in the air and shot them downward, slamming his back to the mattress with a grunt. Dirk let his legs fall open, and Jake settled between them, his dick pressed into Dirk's abdomen as he leaned over him to conduct a long, deep and very thorough sort of kiss. Dirk shifted to make space and slid a hand down between them, gripping Jake's cock and stroking slowly while they kissed, experimenting with the sounds he could tease out of him by touching this way or that.

Eventually, Jake caught his busy hand by the wrist. He peered down at him, studying his face.

"You still _want_ to do this, right?" 

A horribly embarrassing flutter went through him. Did he goddamn ever. It had been so long, since -- and _nothing_ ever felt as good as -- fuck, he was pathetic. "If you're asking if I want you to fuck me, Jake, the answer's yes, _please._ Always has been --" 

"Oh, sure, always!" 

"--Always will be --" 

"Now, I wouldn't go that far!" 

"You would probably run out of here screaming if you had any idea how often I think about it, like, every day." 

Jake lifted his chin. "If you're implying that your mind is filthier than mine, Dirk, I absolutely take umbrage." 

"Take all the umbrage you want, man, it doesn't change the facts." Dirk hesitated, just for a second, and then leaned in and resumed kissing him. Jake made a surprised sound, but his lips parted, and they took their time, both in exploring each other's mouths and gathering their respective thoughts. 

When they broke away, Jake spoke first. 

"I don't like it when you imply that I wouldn't like knowing how much you like me, or want me, or anything else," he said, speaking fast, voice tight. "It makes me feel like there must be a reason you can't just take me at my word, and then I chase my own self up brain trees trying to find a reason why." 

Oh. Dirk felt himself go still, his stomach sinking past his feet and through the floor. Oh, god. Less than a day. Less than an _hour._

"I," he started. Stopped. His limbs felt like lead weights, heavy with dread. "I'm sorry," he said, finally, running back through all the things he'd said since they'd stepped through the transportalizer. 

"Dirk," Jake sighed, dropping against him, pressing his face into his shoulder. "It's okay. I just -- I want to tell you these things when I think them, from now on, because... because I have to. God damn it, I _have_ to, and you have to promise to listen, because saying those things is hard for me, okay?" 

"Yeah." His heart was hammering, again, and not because Jake English was naked and straddling his hips. "I'm listening. I mean, I got it, man. Won't happen again." 

"Oh, yes it will." Jake lifted his head, glaring down at him. "And I'll say something again when it does, even though I hate it, and you know why?" 

"...Why?" 

"Because being with you is worth it. It's worth anything! It's worth having to say things I don't want to say, and it's worth having to explain things I'd rather not. And I hope, for you, it's worth... listening to those things, and telling me your own, and ... and, you know. I don't know. Talking! Working it out before it gets all stupid and tangled up in our heads!" 

"It is. It definitely is, okay? I'm listening. I really am." 

Jake stared down at him, brow furrowed, like he was weighing that response on some cosmic scale and straining it for sincerity. Dirk sighed and flopped back into the pillows, throwing one arm dramatically over his eyes. 

"Let me try that again," he said. "If you knew how often I laid awake at night, right here in this very spot, wishing you'd come strolling down that hall--" 

"I've thought about it, believe me!" 

"--Kick the fucking door down, maybe." 

Jake laughed. "That sounds like me," he said, nodding somberly. "Just pull the thing off its hinges entirely." 

"Toss it casually out a window." 

"Hurl it into the ocean." 

"Really show that door who's boss." 

"And then show you, next, presumably, huh?" 

"Oh, yeah. You'd walk in like you owned the place --" 

"I _do_ own it, technically!" 

"-- And I'd sit up like hey, man, what the fuck did you do to my door?" 

"And I'd swing right onto the bed and put my hand over your tireless gabbing craw..." 

Dirk laughed, curling his arm over his face, cringing beneath it. "Ah, god," he muttered. "At minimum, yeah." 

"What do you think I'd do if I knew you were thinking all that, you think?" 

"I don't know. Laugh, probably. I mean, it's pretty goddamn funny, right?" 

"The part where I throw your bedroom door like a javelin across the sea is pretty farfetched, I'll grant you that." 

"Uh huh." 

"But the part where I climb up here and pull you close and make you _mine_ , again..." 

Dirk dropped his arm, a little shiver running through him. Not just at the words, but the way he said them with this intensity running through it, like... he licked his lips. Tilted his head up and met Jake's eyes. "Maybe just a little bit more realistic...?" 

He sounded so damn hopeful. Embarrassing. Pathetic, really. 

But Jake just... smiled. 

"Why don't you get up on those knees of yours and turn around for me, and _maybe_ we'll just see? I mean... last I checked, we do have all god damned night." 

Dirk opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. "This has got to be some super fucked up fantasy dream," he said, and Jake shook a finger at him in response. 

"Dirk," he warned, softly. 

"I know," he held up his hands. "I know. I --" 

" _Dirk._ " 

He snapped his mouth shut. 

He got up on his knees.


	12. we're all friends and family here

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 8:00 --  
  
GG: ........... :|  
GG: can you at least tell me if you made it home last night  
GG: i have no idea and i dont really want to go check AGAIN  
GG: i barely slept last night  
GG: i really wish you wouldnt ignore me!!   
GG: i mean im guess youre probably asleep right NOW  
GG: but for most of last night you were definitely ignoring me and i dont like that at all  
GG: ugh  
GG: well   
GG: im going to help jane with breakfast a bunch of people stayed overnight and i dont think she slept much either :/  
GG: so whenever you want to message me is fine  
GG: just please DO okay? :(  


*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 8:22 --  
  
TT: You know, you've put me in quite a spot.   
TT: I had just made a sort of resolution to myself that I would attempt to tease you less, as part of an ongoing effort to ease you back in to being willing to have conversations with me.  
TT: Actual conversations, not the verbal fencing matches I think we've both grown accustomed to over the past months.   
TT: But now Roxy tells me she did, in fact, witness you and Jake running off last night, together, with her own two eyes, and...   
TT: Well, what am I supposed to do?   
TT: I sincerely want to congratulate you, and extend actual, well meaning good wishes.  
TT: But also, my God, Dirk, how can I not want to tease the shit out of you, too?   
TT: You make it too easy.  
TT: So, I suppose this is just me attempting to be as honest as possible: I'm happy for you, but also, I told you so, idiot.   
TT: Anyway. I'm late for breakfast. I'll check back in a little while to see whether you've blocked me or not.  
TT: Until then.  


* 

Jake opened his eyes, and experienced roughly ten seconds of absolutely dizzying disorientation for his trouble. Where was he? This wasn't his room. This didn't look like Jane's place, either. Why was it so hot? Why was he so sore? What was the too-warm weight sprawled over his -- _oh._

It all came flooding back, filling his chest up so tight it was actually hard to breathe. His heart kicked up into a frenzied beat, and he grinned so wide his cheeks hurt. He brought his arms up and around the body pressed atop him and bent his neck to press his face into Dirk's hair. It wasn't the most pleasant experience -- his hair was sticking every which way, still stiff with whatever nonsense he slathered into it every morning, going strong despite the rain, and sweat, and ... and he took a deep breath, tightening his arms around him. Dirk made a sleepy little sound, like an inquisitive grunt, but he didn't move at all. 

They were home, together, and this was Dirk's room, and this was Dirk's _bed_ , and brief glimpses of memory from the night before kept sparking through his brain. Dirk, staring at him from the other side of the atrium window, one arm up and his fingers moving in a tiny little wave like an absolute dork. Dirk, staring at him with his wide creamsicle eyes and kissing him first, yanking him close, shivering in his arms with the rain falling and the wind blowing around them. Dirk taking his hand, squeezing it tight, Dirk looking up at him on his back in the dirt and telling him _I want you,_ Dirk -- 

"Dirk," he whispered. 

"Mmph," Dirk responded, unhelpfully, his breath a hot puff of air over Jake's neck. 

Jake snickered, running his hands down Dirk's back. This made him squirm a bit, at least, eliciting another sleepy sound out of him. Christ. It had all been real, hadn't it? The fighting and the storm, hiding in the bathroom and the atrium, blocking just about everyone in a panic. That _excruciating_ conversation with Karkat. ...And Dirk. 

Dirk, laughing with him, teasing him, blushing furiously while they reacquainted themselves with each other's bodies. Dirk moaning his name over and over, biting his own fist, hot and hard in his mouth, throbbing against his tongue. God, he could feel himself stirring at the memory already. He closed his eyes, stilling one hand on the back of Dirk's neck, thinking about the way his back had arched so beautifully, how his fingers had twisted in the sheets. Thinking about the choked desperation in his voice as he'd begged him to fuck him harder, harder, _harder._

"Wow," Dirk muttered, shifting in his arms. Jake's eyes snapped open. "I'd ask what you're thinking, but..." He pressed himself against Jake's very obvious, very aroused bits. "Guess it's pretty obvious." 

"Hm, is it?" Jake shifted to give him a more accessible angle, little anticipatory sparks climbing up his spine already.

"Subtlety isn't really your strong suit." Dirk pushed himself off his chest, and Jake let him sit up. "At least, not when it comes to this, huh?" 

"I guess not," Jake said. He pillowed his head on his hands, grinning up at him. Dirk's eyes met his, just for a second, and then a familiar pinkness washed through his cheeks and he looked away... but he was smiling, too. "Do you want to sit here chit chatting about it, or are you going to set yourself to something more constructive, do you think?" 

Dirk scoffed at him and settled into his lap, sitting on his thighs, and then he put his hands on his sharp little hips and glared down at him, like his own arousal wasn't making itself more apparent by the moment. Jake raised his eyebrows. 

"Well?" 

"Let me think." 

"Oh, no." Jake sighed, closing his eyes. "That's never a good idea." 

"What if I'm mostly just thinking about how..." he faltered, here, and Jake frowned, blinking up at him. His face was far past pink, now. He was outright red, from his shoulders up his neck all the way to the tips of his ears. He coughed. "How happy I am to be here," he said, hunching down a bit. "With you. Uh, like this. Though, I mean, not just because of the -- like this, as in, together, not necessarily --" 

"Dirk," Jake cut him off, biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing. Oh, it was tough. He could feel his lips twitching. "I'm pretty damn chuffed about it, too, in case you couldn't tell, and I know there's more to do with it all than the sex, you big nervous ninny, but I'm afraid I've got a rather one track mind! And it's focused _fairly_ entirely on how bad I want you to indulge me, right now!" 

Dirk responded to this by ducking his head with a rueful chuckle. He ran a hand over his face and then up into his mussed up hair, and then lifted his head, nodding. "I can do that," he said, and the words and the way he said them, soft like a promise, pushed a new bloom of heat all through him, tightening his stomach, tingling over his skin. Dirk put his hands on his shoulders. Jake exhaled, slowly. 

They kissed. Jake pulled his hands out from behind his head and slid them into Dirk's hair, instead. Dirk shifted his hips, pressing them together down below. He took both of them in hand and stroked slow and sweet, building a fire in his gut, making him sigh and groan and squirm beneath him. Jake smoothed his palms over Dirk's shoulders, down his arms, around his hips and up his back. Dirk lifted himself onto his knees and shifted forward, and Jake dug his fingers into the skin beneath his shoulder blades while Dirk positioned him carefully, breathing hard.

"Yes, Dirk," Jake whispered, the words dissolving into an appreciative sigh as Dirk opened easily for him and sank down, slowly taking him in. It always felt so good, so hot and so _right_ , the feel of it spreading from the pit of his belly all through him, melting through his mind. "Yes, that's it now, just... ah," he moaned, and so did Dirk, his fingers almost painfully tight where they gripped his shoulders still. 

"You feel so fucking good," Dirk said, voice strained, and Jake moved his hands to his hips and moved his fingers in circles, there, breathing hard. 

"Show me," Jake said. "Come on. Show me how good it feels, Dirk, let me -- oh, _ah,_ " he squeezed Dirk's hips tight as he lifted them, sliding up his length, it felt so -- " _Dirk,_ " he gasped. 

He tried to look everywhere at once. Dirk's face, locked in pleasure, biting his lip, all his pretty freckles standing out so nicely on his flushed cheeks. His long neck, thin cords of muscle straining, his shoulders, shining with a sheen of sweat. His chest, his body moving in a rhythm that started slow and picked up fast. His taut belly, his stiff cock bouncing between them as he moved, riding him, faster, harder, until he could hear the mattress squeaking a protest in between their mingled gasps and moans and nonsensical oaths. 

"God, fuck, _yes_ , Dirk," he cried, fingers scrabbling on his hips, desperately canting his hips up to match the pace he set atop him. "You're so good, you're so damn good, how can you be so fucking good? You feel -- oh, _Dirk._ " 

It was just as good as the night before -- better, maybe, the view this way was stunning, Dirk's eyes and his mouth and his lips moving as he moaned, gorgeous. Dirk straightened himself up, his hands lifting and falling to cover Jake's hands on his hips, and Jake desperately curled their fingers together there, gripping tight and following his motion. Their breaths tore out of them in ragged gasps, and seeing him this way, bouncing atop him with all his muscles taut and his chin back and a little trickle of sweat falling down the side of his neck -- he bent his knees and arched his own back, trying so hard to hold himself back, but how could he possibly? 

"Dirk," he moaned, long and loud, his back arching up, and he didn't stop, bless him, he kept right on going, hot and tight and sweet around him. "Oh, that's it, that's the -- oh, I can't, I'm, ah, Dirk, Dirk, _Dirk!_ " He squirmed desperately against the mattress, emptying himself into him, and Dirk kept right on going throughout. 

When his eyes opened again, Dirk was leaning back, still atop him, his hands on Jake's thighs. He was smiling -- _smirking_ , really, eyes bright, brows up. 

" _Shit,_ Dirk," Jake sighed up at him. 

"Hey, man, have I said good morning, yet?" His eyebrows wiggled, and Jake laughed, breathlessly, nodding his head. 

"In a manner of speaking, I believe you have," he managed, and -- God, he thought, he'd do anything to get Dirk to smile like he was now, all the time. He had such a lovely smile. And the rest of him was pretty damn distracting, too. He wiggled his hips beneath him. "Though I don't think I've yet returned the favor." 

"Rude," Dirk said. 

"Incorrigible, really," Jake agreed, tracing a path back over Dirk's hips and down his thighs, teasing. "Where are my manners." 

"I'm not sure you've ever had them," Dirk said, pushing his hips forward just a fraction, his voice just a little more strained than it had been. 

"Now, Dirk, don't hurt my feelings," Jake reprimanded him, fingers stilling. "They're very fragile." 

"Uh huh." 

He moved his fingers up, nearly there, but not quite. "You don't sound quite convinced." 

"Imagine that." 

Jake swallowed another laugh. "Would you like to see how polite I can be, Dirk?" 

"I mean," Dirk said, and Jake saw his throat bob as he swallowed, "I'm not opposed to the idea." 

Jake nodded, sliding his fingers around him at last. He loved the way Dirk's body jerked back, the way he sucked in a sharp breath, the way his eyes moved to watch. "I always like taking care of you," he said, and Dirk made a soft, breathy sound, blinking slowly. "Especially when I've got a view like this to work with," Jake added, winking up at him. Dirk laughed, Jake tightened his grip, and the laughter melted into a gratifying moan.

Jake worked him quick and steady, murmuring soft encouragements -- how hot he was, how good he looked, how badly he wanted to see him come apart again, all true things, and Dirk squeezed his thighs and moved his hips and swore softly, rocking against him until he choked out a little cry and spilled himself all over Jake's stomach, gasping his name. 

Ah, _fuck._ He was so good. So damn perfect. 

Dirk slumped forward, hands on Jake's chest, breathing hard. 

"And there you have it," Jake said, cheerfully. "Good morning, sir." 

Dirk lifted his chin, but before he could speak, an insistent buzzing rattle on the table turned both their heads. His phone, sounded like. 

A nervous flutter went through his belly. "Leave it," he said. 

"We should..." 

"I know, I _know_ , we should, but -- god damn it, Dirk, I just plain don't want to, yet." 

The phone went on making a ruckus for another few seconds, and they both let it go in silence, until it went quiet again, too. 

"You think I do?"

"No, but I _really_ don't, and -- hey, I've got a better idea," he said, augmenting the words with his most winsome smile. "Why don't we hop in the shower, huh? Get some of the ol' sweat and grime off, I know you must be dying for one, aren't you?" 

"Oh, man," Dirk shook a finger at him, very severely. "Low blow. Tempting me with a shower, come on, that's manipulation 101." 

"Yes, but it's also just a very, very good idea, don't you think?" 

The phone started buzzing, again. Jake held his breath. 

"...Yeah," Dirk said, finally. "Yeah, it is. Let's do that." 

"To the showers, then," Jake said, relief melting through him.

*

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:14 --  
  
GA: I Dont Suppose Youve Heard Any Word From You Know Who  
CG: HAH.   
CG: WHICH YOU KNOW WHO IS THAT, NOW?   
GA: Either Of Them Really  
GA: Though Rose Is Slightly More Concerned About Dirk  
GA: Most Likely Because Of The Whole Familial Aspect  
GA: Which I Dont Fully Understand Mind You But Ive Learned To Be Chill With It  
CG: YEAH, UH, SAME.   
CG: BUT, NO. I MEAN, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM EITHER.   
GA: Karkat  
CG: WHAT?  
GA: If You Hadnt Heard From Either Why Did You Feel The Need To Ask Which!  
CG: OH  
CG: JUST GIVING YOU SHIT, OBVIOUSLY.   
GA: Oh  
GA: Of Course  
GA: My Mistake How Could I Have Been So Blind  
CG: HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE THINKS THEY'RE GOING TO GET AHOLD OF THEM, TODAY. HAVE THEY EVER FUCKING MET JAKE? THEY'RE DEFINITELY AVOIDING EVERYONE. THEY PROBABLY WILL ALL DAY! IT'S ALMOST PAINFULLY PREDICTABLE OF THEM.  
GA: I Think She Was Hoping Dirk Would Be Slightly Less Intractable  
CG: TELL HER I SAID SHE'S AN IDIOT.  
GA: One Moment  
GA: She Says Thats Very Sweet And She Loves You Too  
CG: UGH.  
GA: I Asked Her For Clarification And She Just Smiled  
CG: INSUFFERABLE.  
GA: I Think Its Some Combination Of Human Sarcasm And Additional Familial Bullshit Involving Us That I Understand Even Less Than The Rest Of It  
CG: HUMANS.  
GA: Yes Exactly  
CG: MY HONEST OPINION IS THAT EVERYONE SHOULD JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT. GIVE THEM TIME. THEY'LL CRAWL OUT OF THEIR DISGUSTING LOVE NEST EVENTUALLY, AND THEY'LL PROBABLY BE SUITABLY FUCKING EMBARRASSED WHEN THEY DO, SO UNTIL THEN I RECOMMEND EVERYONE JUST ENJOYS THE PEACE AND QUIET AND RELATIVE LACK OF SUFFOCATING DRAMA.   
GA: Ill Pass That Along  
CG: GREAT.  
GA: I Think Youre Probably Right  
CG: THANKS.  
GA: Though I Wish You Hadnt Mentioned The Disgusting Love Nest  
GA: Some Things Just Dont Need To Be Remarked On Karkat  
CG: NOPE, IN THIS UNIVERSE, WE SUFFER TOGETHER.   
GA: Well  
GA: Okay But  
GA: Damn It  
GA: I Dont Like It But I Cant Find A Good Way To Dispute It  
CG: SOUNDS LIKE ACCEPTANCE IS YOUR ONLY OPTION, THEN.  
GA: I Guess So  
GA: Damn It Again  


*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:48 --  
  
TT: We missed you at lunch.   
TG: oh  
TG: uh yeah  
TG: we figured we should probably get out of janes hair or whatever  
TG: also i think karkat is trying to avoid jade  
TG: she keeps cornering him and demanding to know if hes heard from jake  
TG: i feel bad for her honestly but also im sort of scared shitless? hmm  
TT: You missed a good time.   
TG: uh oh  
TT: We were halfway through the first course when Callie put down her spoon and cleared her throat, clearly calling all our attention.   
TG: first course jesus  
TG: its just lunch jane calm down  
TT: She looked up at us all very innocently, and asked what sort of evening we all thought Dirk and Jake had just had.  
TG: i  
TG: what  
TT: Because apparently, you see, Roxy had vehemently opposed the use of the word "romantic," and she couldn't for the life of her figure out why.   
TG: oh my god  
TT: Roxy tried to stop her, but she was too busy choking on her soup, and certainly none of the rest of us knew what to say.  
TG: rose no  
TT: She just didn't understand why "romantic" didn't suit, and did any of us have a better word, or perhaps an explanation?   
TG: im going to die  
TT: Roxy hadn't been very forthcoming, aside from laughing uproariously, and she was just so very curious.  
TG: i hate you so much  
TT: I think she was so desperate to know due to the fact that she is definitely planning to pen some very interesting fiction, soon.   
TG: i could have gone my whole life without this conversation rose  
TT: Don't you want to support Callie's art, Dave?  
TG: god damn it  
TG: im going to block you i swear to god  
TT: That's fair.   
TT: You had better hurry, because I think I've figured out her pen name.  
TG: why???????  
TT: Curiosity, mostly.   
TT: She has some very interesting stories about you.  
TT: Would you like to read an excerpt?  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] \-- 

*

\-- uraniumUmbra [UU] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 14:25 --  
  
UU: hello, darling!   
UU: i wanted to let yoU know that everything is ready to go whenever yoU are.  
UU: not that i am in a rUsh, of coUrse.  
TG: course not  
TG: did u rly pack my things for me? lol  
UU: i did! not that there was so very mUch. i figUred yoU were avoiding doing so yoUrself as a form of passive procrastination.   
TG: yikes  
TG: ouch  
TG: callie aint pullin any punches today i see  
UU: i'm not jUdging you for it, believe me.  
UU: i think yoU know that yoU do need to at least talk to jane before we go, don't yoU?  
TG: .........  
TG: yes :(  
UU: lUnch was a somewhat Uncomfortable affair. u_u  
TG: uuuuuuugh i know  
TG: i know i know  
TG: just tryin to figure out what to say :(  
UU: i know it feels impossible.  
TG: sure does  
UU: like there is simply too mUch to say, but somehow no good way to commUnicate any of it.   
TG: uh huh  
UU: bUt both yoU and jane deserve better than for Us to jUst go home and let whatever Unpleasantness is simmering here fester and rot! i know it rUns coUnter to yoUr natUre, given yoUr aspect, to be so direct. bUt that is something yoU have always been meant to work against and overcome! and i believe that yoU can do it, roxy. i have always believed in yoU.   
TG: wow  
TG: well  
TG: ... i guess i cant very well disappoint you can i  
TG: even if jane ends up just socking me straight back to chess land  
UU: i very mUch doUbt it will come to that!  
TG: heh  
TG: good image tho isnt it ;)   
TG: me just flyin thru the air in a perfect arc  
TG: landing in our room  
TG: flat on my ass thinking jesus when did jane get so swole  
UU: roxy, dear.   
TG: what  
UU: as compelling as this story is, i believe yoU are jUst Using it to fUrther procrastinate. :u  
TG: damn it  
TG: i cant get anything past you  
TG: ... okay fine  
TG: im gonna do it  
TG: im gonna find jane  
UU: good!  
TG: im gonna TALK to jane  
UU: perfect!  
TG: im gonna get PUNCHED in the KISSER by jane  
UU: noooo. u_u  
TG: just kidding  
TG: hopefully  
TG: ok im going  
UU: perfect.  
UU: i will be sending yoU all the lUck and good thoUghts i can mUster!  
TG: ty <3  
UU: hee. <3  


*

She knocked at the door, once, twice, and then she crossed her arms and waited, shifting on her feet. 

"Yes?" Jane's voice, muffled through the door. "Is this important? I'm very busy." 

She almost, _almost_ just turned and walked away. Then she imagined Callie's face when she inevitably had to recount how it had all gone down, so to speak, and took a deep breath, instead. 

"Kinda important, probably, yeah," she said, loud enough to carry. 

For several seconds, each of which felt like a tiny eternity in itself, there was no response. Roxy's stomach fluttered, and she tapped her fingers on her crossed arms, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

She was steeling herself to say something else -- what, she had no idea -- when Jane spoke again. 

"Come in, then," she said, and Roxy's shoulders slumped and she let her breath out in a noisy rush. Phew. "The door is unlocked, not that it especially matters, for you." 

She winced, and then she turned the knob and pushed it open before she could lose her nerve, and stepped into Jane's office. It was a gorgeous room, really, all decked out in crimson and gold. Huge windows, thick curtains, a desk big enough to serve a buffet on. Her laptop was closed in front of her, and her hands were folded neatly atop it. Beside her, she had a stack of papers all pressed neatly together and held down with a golden paperweight forged into the shape of the CrockerCorp spoon. Her head was tilted just so, her lips pursed, her hair immaculate, her makeup flawless. 

Roxy nearly turned and fled the room. 

"Sit," Jane said, instead, indicating an empty chair. 

Roxy sat. She bounced one leg nervously, licking her lips. "Okay," she said. 

Jane went back to folding her hands. "Yes?" 

"Look..." She trailed off, grasping uselessly for words. Jane raised an eyebrow. Roxy just looked at her, plaintively, her voice stuck in her throat. 

"Fine," Jane said, finally. "If you won't say it, I will." She took a breath. "We were both awful, last night. I was awful. _You_ were awful. We both said terrible things that I think -- I hope -- we both regret." 

Roxy nodded along, miserably. "Yeah," she said, gesturing pathetically. "All of that, pretty much exactly." 

"Mm hm. Well." Jane looked down at her hands. "Here's the thing. I am still very, _very_ upset about it, Roxy! I hardly slept a wink last night, turning all of that around in my head. I hate that you all feel obligated to hide things from me because of my poor hurt feelings over certain sensitive subjects, subjects that keep coming up, and most likely will _continue_ to come up, over and over again. I hate that I can't just act rationally, when it comes to those things! That I always let myself get worked up and take it personally and fly off the handle, and yes, I know that I do! I hate that it's been a _year_ , and I still catch myself thinking, sometimes, that maybe if I just act this way or do this thing or let him do or get away with this or that, that perhaps Jake might come around. Maybe he won't think I'm just an awful --" Her voice caught, her eyes went foggy, and Roxy's stomach dropped all the way through the floor. "An awful, bossy, domineering blowhard with a regrettable _obsession--_ " 

" _No one_ thinks that!" Roxy cut her off, slapping her hands on the desk. The noise it made reverberated through the room, and Jane snapped her chin up, lips trembling. 

" _Everyone_ thinks it. Maybe not all the time, but in fits and moments, you can bet your bottom dollar every single one of you has had those things flash across your minds in some form or another." 

"I still don't think that's true! And --" 

" _\--And_ , do you know the worst part? I don't even _want_ him, anymore. I don't! Not like that. We're awful for each other, I'm not an idiot. I've seen too much, Roxy! I have peered deep beyond the damned veil that is the charming persona of one Jake English, and the man behind it is _not_ someone I actually want to... to, conduct a romantic relationship with!" She was blushing furiously, now, which was better than crying, Roxy thought, mind whirling, trying to keep up with what she was saying. "It's just, the person that I thought he was -- he just disappeared, one day!" She snapped her fingers. "Poof! Just like that. And I'd thought for so long that he was real, it was like -- this makes no sense, but it _felt_ like I'd lost someone, all the same! How do you mourn the death of someone who never existed, Roxy, hm? Especially when you still get little performative flashes of him every once in a while, from a friend that you are trying so hard to understand as himself, now. There's no excuse, but -- god damn it, it's _hard._ It's been hard for me with all of you!" 

"... All of us?"

"Yes! All of you!" She took a deep breath, flattening her hands out over her laptop case. "Some of it is my fault. Dirk, for instance. How could I have not seen that Dirk was -- was so lonely, and so afraid all the time, and so --" She fluttered her hands. 

"So goddamn excessively gay?" Roxy raised a brow. Jane made a _hmmph_ sound. 

"I always thought... God, I was an idiot. I always thought it would be you and him, together in the end. And Jake and I, of course. And we'd be two perfect pairs going on double dates and living this -- this perfect charmed life. The second I took over the corporation I'd always planned to fly you all to me. It never even occurred to me you wouldn't want to come, or that --" she sucked in a breath, and let out a harsh little laugh. "Or that you _couldn't_ come, on account of actually living several hundred years in the future!" 

"I... well. I mean. I did try to tell you," Roxy said, faintly. 

"I know." Jane closed her eyes. "I never believed you. I always said your stories were so very fanciful. I used to try and make you feel guilty about never telling me the truth about where you lived, or about your mother -- I used to think your "jokes" about her being dead were so very tasteless. I thought so many things. I made everyone miserable with my nonsense, and I suppose not so much has changed, has it?" 

"That's not fair." She looked up. "Not to anyone, but not to you most of all. Yeah, I used to let myself get all put out that you were calling me a liar, but, Jane, I phrased those stories that way like tall fuckin' tales on purpose. I wanted you to believe me, sure, but also, Dirk had told me not to tell you at all, so I didn't want you to actually catch on, because I didn't want him to get all pissy at me, neither. So I was trying to have it both ways all the goddamn time, and just making myself mad at _everyone_ , like everything was everyone's fault but mine. Didn't help that I was always halfway down a fuckin' bottle at the time, neither." 

Jane's face softened. "That wasn't your fault," she said. 

"It sure didn't do much for my credibility, though, huh?" 

"I -- honestly, I thought you were faking that, too. Trying to seem more adult, with your access to alcohol and willingness to indulge. I -- my god. My relationship with _all_ of you was predicated, it feels, on some sort of insane, far-reaching deception or misconception or both! And I have been so afraid, Roxy, that now that we are here and that awful so-called game is behind us, that I am just not compatible with anyone's friendship without the lies to help things along." Her voice was going all thick and teary, again, and Roxy could feel the beginnings of a headache behind her eyes, thanks to how hard she was trying not to fall into the same trap. 

"Jane," she said, quietly. "That's insane." 

"Is it? I mean, is it really? Look at me, at what an outlier I am." 

"You're not an outlier! You're just -- Jane! You're ambitious! You're smart, you're amazing? You've built this whole place up from the ground, remade the whole image of the business, taken it back from that fucking sea bitch the way we _all_ hoped you would! Jesus, Jane, we've been cheering for you every day!" 

"Yes, and in the meantime, what has been going on with you and the rest of my friends, and my _family_ , oh my stars, Roxy, my family. You and Dirk have buried all the difficulties between you and seem to have come out of it better friends than ever. Rose calls you "Mother" just as often as she calls you by your name, and Dave's utter adoration of you as both a friend _and_ a maternal figure is so charmingly obvious. Jake actually feels comfortable enough with you to act something like his actual self. And, of course, you have Callie." Her lips flattened. "And I am very happy for you, but it's hard not to _compare._ " 

"I literally cannot fucking fathom how you think any part of your life compares unfavorably to mine! Because, why, things are awkward with Jake and John won't slip up and call you "mom" now and then?" 

"It's not that he -- _Ooh._ " She balled her hands into her fists and practically growled. "John _resents_ me, because _my_ father is here, and alive, and I am grateful every day for that, and sad every day for him, but the truth is that he looks at me and he just sees an obstacle to my own father's affection!" 

"That..." Roxy gaped at her. "Jesus, Jane." 

"So, no, I do not especially care if he accepts me as his... in our particularly strange and convoluted familial roles, but I wish that we could be even half as close as you are with _your..._ " she sniffed. "And Jade. She's lovely, she's perfectly lovely, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do or how I try, she's always ... Jake this, Jake that, typing messages to Jake out of the corner of my eye. I can't make her laugh like he does, I can't make her _happy_ like he does. She went to live with the _trolls,_ rather than stay here with John and I! And, god knows, John is only here at all because he'd rather torture himself with the pictures on the walls in that house of his than anything to do with me specifically!" 

Roxy held up a hand. Jane swallowed hard, staring at her. "Stupid question," she said. "Have you... talked about this with any of _them?_ " 

"How am I supposed to do that without coming off as completely psychotic? I know that's how it sounds. I can see the look you're giving me, Roxy!" 

"I don't think you're psychotic! Holy shit! It's been a _year_ , Jane, a year of bottling all this shit up, and you think I don't know how that feels?"

"Well --" 

"No! Let me -- _listen._ I used to bite my tongue every damn day simmering with some beef or another with you or Jake or Dirk, and _my_ stupid prison house of sadness was just as big and empty as John's is now, let me fuckin' tell you. We've all been worried about him, but John being _depressed_ isn't your fault? And neither is Jade's, whatever -- _fuck_ , do you think Dave isn't more attached to Dirk than he is to me? Dave and I get along great, and I love him to death, I do, but he hangs off every fucking word Dirk ever _says._ He's always going on about -- what would Dirk think about this, has Dirk ever talked about that, Dirk, Dirk, Dirk. And about him and Jake, huh? Dirk and I not having _difficulties_ anymore, or Jake being totally a hundred percent super _comfortable_ with me -- those are just about the most ludicrous things I've heard today, and considering all the shit you've been saying, that's pretty fuckin' incredible!" 

"But..." Jane just blinked at her, lips trembling, eyes wide. 

Roxy shook her head. "You can't just hold all this garbage in, Jane, and not just because it's _garbage_. Because if you hold it in, no one can help you take it _out._ " She bit her lip. "It's been a hard fuckin' lesson for me, too." 

Silence swallowed up the space between them, stretching it, warping it. Jane sniffed and wiped her eyes. Roxy leaned back in her chair, her heart simultaneously racing and trying to crawl its way up her throat. 

"I feel like this business is the only thing I have done right, ever since we walked through that door," Jane said, finally. "But I also feel that _because_ it was the only thing that felt right, I've thrown myself so far into it that now everyone feels that it is somehow more important to me than they are. Than you are! And that is not right. Factually or fundamentally." 

"Maybe you need a vacation, then," Roxy said. Jane frowned. "I mean, like -- maybe we all do? Maybe we all just need to take a fucking break from our busy, busy lives every once in awhile to remind each other that no matter what we're off doing on our own, we're all goddamn friends and family, here, and that is _never_ gonna change, no matter how long this eternity goes on for." 

Jane shot her a watery smile. "Forever, or so I've heard." 

"Or however long a universe frog lasts, anyhow." 

" _Forever_ ," Jane said, firmly. She took a deep breath. "It's... not a terrible idea." 

"It's a damn good idea, actually, and we should tell everyone about it as soon as we can, and I'm not gonna take no for an answer, so you'd better just get used to the idea ASAP." 

"You're going to have a difficult time convincing John he ought to go," Jane murmured, tapping her fingers on her desk, clearly turning the idea over in her head. Well, she was the big talented organizer, after all.

"I'll fly in there and carry him out myself, if I've gotta." 

Jane made a derisive sound. "Well, that's something." 

"And, god damn it, Jane -- I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I _know_ they'd all back me up, here -- we fucking love you, okay? We're never going to stop loving you, no matter how crazy you get, and that's that, you got that?" 

She nodded, slowly. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you, and... I'm sorry. For how I've been acting. Not just last night. ... For, gosh, pretty much always, I think. Back and back since you first messaged me, way back before ... everything." 

Roxy shrugged one shoulder, lips curving into a lopsided grin. "I'm sorry, too. For all the lies, and the paggro bullshit, and the tiptoeing around you, and being so fuckin' absorbed in my own shit I couldn't even tell you were drowning yourself in your own damn brain, right in front of us." She stood, wiping her hands nervously on her skirt. "None of us are ever gonna be perfect, you know. But, shit, Jane, we can all do a whole lot better, I think, if we let ourselves _talk_ to one another." 

"I hope so," Jane said, softly. 

"We can." Roxy nodded, firmly. "Also, I'm gonna jump over your desk and hug you, now." 

"You're -- what? Wait!" 

But it was too late. 

Her papers, of course, went everywhere. 

*

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 19:01 --  
  
GT: Um.   
GG: !!!!!!!!!!!!  
GT: Yes. Hello.   
GG: wow!!! hello  
GT: Jade i have to tell you i am so sorry i didnt say something sooner.   
GG: no, its fine  
GG: i worked it out  
GT: You... did?  
GG: yup  
GG: karkat wouldnt stop yapping at me like he just knows EVERYTHING about how that brain of yours works  
GT: Oh jeez.   
GG: so i called his bluff  
GT: How so?  
GG: we made a bet  
GG: i told him you would message me BEFORE midnight tonight for sure  
GG: he said i was crazy  
GT: Well the jokes on him then isnt it? I still had a few hours even!  
GG: exactly!!!   
GG: and you know what?  
GG: i cant wait to rub how WRONG he was in his stupid smug face >:D  
GG: and also im really looking forward to making him water all my plants for a month  
GG: anyway  
GG: how is it going! huh?? you and dirk, right?  
GT: Haha. Um yes. Me and dirk.  
GT: Gosh where do i even start.   
GG: are you happy?  
GT: Oh frig yes! Im happier than ive been in a long time i think. I didnt realize just how bad i was feeling until i stopped feeling so bad and now... well now it just feels like i can do anything jade its the damndest thing.  
GT: I feel so light you know?  
GG: hehe  
GG: thats so cute :')  
GG: im really glad to hear it  
GG: between you and jane and john ive just been tearing out my hair sometimes :/  
GT: I guess were a pretty big handful huh.   
GG: to say the least!  
GG: tell dirk if you ever start acting like you have been again im going to kill him though  
GT: Oh jeez.  
GG: dont worry ill make sure its super duper not heroic :)  
GT: I dont doubt it!  
GT: But um i would prefer if you didnt kill him all the same please.   
GG: well see :)  
GG: so no more hiding in bathrooms and crap, ok?  
GT: Yes! Right. No more of that sort of behavior will be forthcoming i promise.  
GG: good  
GG: and thank you for messaging me  
GT: Well i wouldnt want to be the reason you lost a bet to karkat. I cant even imagine.   
GG: oh i would have been  
GG: SO MAD  
GG: i bet youre dying to get back to whatever youre up to with dirk over there  
GT: I mean! Im never too busy to have a good ol chat with you jade you know that.   
GG: uh huh  
GG: well i know youre alive and ok now and thats whats most important  
GG: aside from winning that bet of course  
GG: so go on then get out of here  
GG: ive got to go be real smug at a certain shouty jerkface   
GT: Heheh. Well if youre going to be busy too i guess i could get going then.  
GG: yeah! go! get it out of your system  
GG: pretty soon were gonna be really busy dealing with whatever is going on with john and jane   
GT: Oh boy.  
GG: yup  
GG: so enjoy this while you can  
GG: see you soon!!! <3  
GT: ...................  
GT: Phew.  


*

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 19:05 --  
  
TT: I wouldn't block you, come on.   
TT: I'm not THAT thin skinned. At least, I don't think so.   
TT: Hmm.   
TT: Yes, I suppose if you were ever going to block me, you would have done so long before now. I could point to any of several conversations where you seemed particularly perturbed before the end.  
TT: What can I say? You have a real talent.   
TT: For perturbing you?  
TT: For perturbing anyone you are feeling particularly pertuberish toward on a given day.   
TT: Ha.   
TT: Yes, that sounds like me.   
TT: Also, if I really minded a bunch of incessant, probably inappropriate teasing, I would have cut Roxy out, like, years ago.   
TT: ...Good point.   
TT: If I've made you feel like I don't like having you around, or in my life, or whatever, I'm sorry. Nothing could really be further from the truth.   
TT: Oh, stop.   
TT: Ok.  
TT: I'm not Dave, you know. You don't have to wrap every frustration you ever want to express at me in ten layers of careful padding. I can take it.   
TT: I know. And in the future, I'm going to try to, I guess, actually express those things more?   
TT: Instead of just gettin' all surly and flouncing off, as you've put it in the past.   
TT: Well, that should be interesting to experience.   
TT: Yeah, hope you're lookin' forward to it.   
TT: Very much so.   
TT: Were you aware that Callie is writing smutty fanfiction about you and Jake?   
TT: Oh, Jesus.  
TT: I mean, vaguely?  
TT: She's implied it a few times.   
TT: Wait.   
TT: Have you read it?   
TT: If you spent a year carefully sleuthing out her secret, carefully guarded pen name, wouldn't you?  
TT: Uh, obviously that's an emphatic "Hell yes," Rose, come on.  
TT: I could share it with you.   
TT: You could.  
TT: She has very interesting ideas about what sorts of things we get up to when we're feeling amorous.   
TT: Dude, I know. I've heard her say some shit that's just left me like, reeling. Staggered.  
TT: Flummoxed.   
TT: Bamboozled.   
TT: Curious as hell.   
TT: Absolutely.  
TT: I have conditions.   
TT: What's up?   
TT: You have to discuss all of this with me! No one else will! It's horrible.   
TT: Wow. You've offered this to other people, and they've turned it down?   
TT: Emphatically, yes.  
TT: Cowards.   
TT: Exactly. See? I knew I could count on you.   
TT: Sure can.  
TT: There. Check your email.   
TT: Seriously?   
TT: Mm hm.   
TT: ...  
TT: ...   
TT: Holy shit.   
TT: Yes, see? Exactly! Holy shit. I cannot believe everyone else is passing up the opportunity to read material of such quantity and quality.   
TT: Hey.   
TT: Hm?  
TT: Am I allowed to show this shit to Jake?   
TT: I don't see why not.   
TT: Cool, one sec.   
TT: Wait! Not right now! Damn it, Dirk, we both know what is going to happen the second you show any of this to Jake!   
TT: I won't see you for days!  
TT: ...   
TT: God damn it.  


*

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] opened memo on board UNIVERSE C PLANNING & LOGISTICS --  
  
TG: new phone who dis  
TT: Your worst nightmare, risen powerful enough to circumvent even the most tenacious blocking software.   
TG: fuck  
TG: ive been bait and switched  
TG: the memo says jane but the smugness dripping off the screen in excessive purple rivulets is all rose  
GA: Wait  
GA: Was This Your Actual Plan  
GA: Am I Supposed To Be Here  
GA: I Can Go  
GG: im pretty sure rose is just being dramatic as usual  
CG: OH GOD.   
CG: I HAVE A HEADACHE ALREADY, THEY REALLY NEED TO TAKE THIS BULLSHIT MEMO FUNCTIONALITY OUT  
CG: IT NEVER LEADS ANYWHERE PRODUCTIVE  
EB: pfft.   
TG: yeah karkat i gotta agree w john here  
TG: pfft  
EB: you're just saying that because every memo you have ever made has gone horribly wrong.   
GG: lol  
CG: YES, BECAUSE THIS ONE IS CLEARLY OFF TO SUCH A FANTASTIC START!  
TG: itd probs be goin better if any of yall could shut the fuck up for 2 secs ;)  
TG: hey mom  
TG: yo  
TG: wheres jane  
TG: dunno  
GG: Right here!  
TG: oh shit  
UU: oh! hello, jane! ^u^  
GG: Hello, Callie, And everyone else, of course, thank you for coming.  
GG: If everyone could just settle down for a moment, I promise this won't take much of your time.   
GG: Ahem.   
GG: I would like to propose an idea!  
GG: Roxy and I had a talk earlier, and it made me realize something.   
GG: Sometimes, we all just get so busy with our own things off in the far corners of this lovely little earth we have here! We aren't always the best at making time for each other... and by that I do mean all of each other, not just those of us fortunate enough to live with or near one another!   
GG: I have been just as guilty as anyone, spending so much time on company events and fundraisers and the like.   
GG: ...And I am probably putting you all to sleep, so let me get right to the point!   
TG: noooo jane im wide awake i swear  
TG: yeah same im all eyes  
TG: i mean ears  
GG: omg  
TG: i mean im also awake   
TT: I don't know. I still feel it might be a little unclear, maybe you should elaborate some more.   
TG: hey eat shit  
TG: why doesnt this thing block people on memos what a garbage piece of software  
GG: Ahem!   
TG: yep sorry  
GG: I think we should all take a bit out of our busy schedules, and spend some quality time all in the same place, for a change. Sort of like a vacation, I suppose. For all of us to reconnect, catch up, that sort of thing. In fact, I think we should make a habit of it, assuming everyone is on board with the idea in the first place!  
TG: ok  
TG: no shade and no disrespect  
GG: ...Hm? No, go ahead.   
TG: isnt that kinda what we were doing last night  
TG: it didnt go SUPER well again no shade  
GG: Ah. No, you're right.   
GG: But my focus wasn't on all of YOU, and I think that makes a difference. I was so preoccupied with the company, I barely even saw some of you!   
GA: For The Record I Thought Last Night Was Very Exciting  
GG: lmao  
TG: lmao x2  
GG: I'm still putting together the details, but before I go much further with it... I suppose I just wanted to do a headcount, of sorts. I'd love if everyone would try it at least once.   
EB: yeah, i don't know.  
GG: It would really mean a lot to me.  
TG: if anyones about to say no just be aware that all naysayers are gonna get dragged out and carried bodily to whatever destination jane cooks up for us anyway   
TG: oh man me  
TG: i refuse to go  
TG: lmFao dave pls  
TG: ok ok  
TG: lets do it sounds dope  
TG: karkat agrees with me  
CG: HEY!   
CG: I CAN AGREE MYSELF!  
CG: I AGREE WITH DAVE.  
GG: omg  
GG: i need to get off this memo before i die but yes jane ill come along!  
GG: it sounds great  
GG: just let me know :D  
TT: Kanaya and I will be there, as well.   
GA: Oh  
GA: Yes I Also Agree With Dave  
UU: and so do i, of coUrse! it soUnds absolUtely marveloUs, and i am very much looking forward to it!  
TG: come on john get on the dave train  
TG: everyone else is doing it  
TG: yeah before anyone says anything i heard it too and you know what i stand by it  
TG: leaning into it here  
GG: John?  
EB: eh. okay, sure.   
TG: yesssssssss  
TG: choo choo motherfuckers  
TG: u know what the best part of a dave train is  
TG: no what  
TG: the caboose ;D  
TG: you know what  
CG: NO!  
TG: youre so goddamn right  
CG: DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!!!  
GG: you guys are too much  
GG: i am definitely leaving now!!!  
GG: good luck everyone!  
TT: Just so I'm clear: Dirk and Jake are invited to this, as well, yes?  
GG: Oh, of course!  
GG: I invited them to the memo, but... ahem. Well.   
TG: theyre busy gettin busy ;)  
GG: Roxy!  
GA: Theyre What  
CG: OH MY GOD.   
CG: I'M LEAVING TOO, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.   
GA: Theyre Getting Busy With What  
TT: It's a euphemism.  
GA: Oh  
TT: I can elaborate, if you need.  
GA: Yikes  
GA: Im Also Going To Go Now  
GA: Bye  
TG: yknow jane judging by how this memo is goin i think this is gonna be a fantastic time  
GG: I realize it's going to be chaotic, I do.   
GG: But... I really am looking forward to it.   
GG: I'm going to close this memo, now. I'll be in touch with details soon!  
TG: <3  
UU: <3  
TG: 8=D  
  
\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo.  
  
TT: Ha!  
  
\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] closed memo.  


*

Dirk woke to the sound of both his and Jake's phones, beeping and buzzing in twin distress. He peered at them, eyebrows furrowed, eyes still blurry with sleep. Jake stirred beneath him, muttering something unintelligible. 

"What time is it," he yawned, pressing a hand against the small of Dirk's back. 

"No idea. Dark out, though." 

"Mm. The frig is all that awful racket..." 

"Also no idea. Something on the phones." They went right on buzzing. "Should have unplugged them, they'd be dead by now." 

Jake laughed, pressing his face into Dirk's hair. Dirk flopped back down against him, waving at the noise. "It might be something important," Jake said, reluctantly. 

"I doubt it." 

"Well, if you're not worried about it, neither am I." 

"If there's one thing we've all got in ample fuckin' supply, around here, it's time, right? They can wait." 

Jake yawned, again, and tightened his arms around him. 

He was never going to get tired of that feeling. He settled back down, listening to Jake's slow, even breaths beneath him. He was going to fall right back to sleep, no doubt about it, and something Jane had said to him had combined with something Jake had said to him, and it just kept swirling in his brain. If he didn't deal with it now, while he was tired and sore and fucked out of his mind, honestly sort of downright loopy, he wasn't sure he ever would. 

"Hey," he said, softly.

"Hmm?" 

He sucked in a breath. "I want to... you know, Jane said something to me that... and you said to stop doing that shitty thing I do where I doubt your feelings and shit, and..." 

Jake went a little tense. Dirk felt him lift his head. "And?" 

"So, I just want to put it out there, that... uh. I love you?" 

"Oh," Jake breathed out, hard enough that Dirk felt it stir his hair. For his own part, he was busy _holding_ his breath. "Well, Jesus Christmas, Dirk, I love you too!" 

He let it out in an audible _whoosh._ "Oh, thank fuck," he said, and he honest to god sounded a little winded. He felt it, too. Too warm and dizzy with relief. 

Jake gave him another squeeze, and Dirk heard him swallow, hard. "To be honest, I've sort of been waiting to hear you say that?" 

"You... have?" 

"For a long, long, _long_ friggin time, you --- god damn -- _nincompoop._ Yes! And I love you too! Shit, Dirk, I --" He paused here to laugh, to slide his fingers into Dirk's hair and pull his face up and kiss him, hard. "I do," he said, pressing their foreheads together. 

"Wow," Dirk said, simply, staring back at him. 

"I think I'm going to throw those phones out the window," Jake went on, cheerful as you please. 

"That's fair." 

"And then I'm going to go get a glass of water." 

"Bring me one, too." 

"And _then_ I'm going to come back here, and I'm gonna see if I can make another round of all this happen, tonight." 

A tired, and yet unmistakably interested shiver went through him. Hell yes. "Another one, really?" 

"Lofty goals, I know." Jake leaned up and kissed him again, long and sweet. "But Callie tells me I can do anything--" 

"Oh my god." 

"-- Just set my mind to it --" 

"I _really_ don't think she had shortening your fucking refractory period in mind when she told you that!" 

"-- And I'm inclined to believe her, so we'll just see, won't we?" Jake shoved him off gently and rolled himself off the bed, and Dirk pressed his face into the pillow he left behind and laughed himself sick, maybe for the first time ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! 
> 
> Thanks all for reading. This is the longest fic I've ever successfully completed, huzzah. Your kind words and encouragements have meant the world to me. Hope you all enjoy the finale, it was a blast to write.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr: [@landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)


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